Happy News!

Wonderful news...I have a new faerygodbaby. Hailey Rene was born last night. I saw her today. She is beautiful. There is nothing better than holding a brand new life to make the world seem like an okay place. And for those who are keeping track, Hailey is my ninth godbaby.

Catching up

Okay, so I've been really bad about blogging. To be fair, I've been very, very busy. So here is the latest:
The 4th of July weekend went off almost perfectly. We had over 10,000 visitors to the Wall. Visitors came from all over New England. Many were vets who were thrilled to have the Wall be near home. One visitor was a Gold Star mother. She visits the traveling walls anytime they are near her home in VT. She always brings a bouquet of flowers and a note for her son. Then she has someone else place them at the Wall for her. She can't look at his name, even after all these years. She told me she's just not ready to give him up yet. There are lots more stories, I just can't quite write them down yet.

My grad school classes are done, projects aren't. Okay, one is all done. The other two are in the process of being worked on. The cool thing about Antioch is I do not have to do traditional work. I swear if I had had to write a research paper this summer I was going to hurt someone. So I created a handbook on working with teens in group settings. It's called "Herding Cats" (For those of you who know my kids at the NET, you understand). My other projects are illustrating and writing a book for kids on salt marshes (my favorite type of wetland) and doing a monitoring visit and an easement proposal. Do I know how to have fun or what?

The other project will be my authentication project for my practicum. Since I don't finish teaching until August 7th, I'm not worrying about that until the 8th. Then, I'll work on the curriculum. UGH! (I hate curriculum development, it is evil).

With any luck, I will have the details of my fall and spring practicum ironed out today. Though I'm still awaiting official word that I have been selected to be the student editor for the 2009 edition of the Whole Terrain Journal. We'll see after today what is what.

My garden is growing well, despite it's very late start. I expect to have the first harvests from it in the next week or so. My rosemary plant is thriving. Apparently, I can only grow them outdoors. I do have to spend a little time weeding and hoeing up the plants. I have to wrangle up red worms too, so we can start vermiculture composting in the house (Don't tell Rowan). Inside, my jasmine plant is also blossoming for the second time this year. I'm very excited since it usually only gets flowers every 18 months or so. Of course now I have to wait again to repot it. It needs a larger pot and a sturdier trellis to grow up.

Other than that, I've been taking lots of naps. For some reason, I'm not tolerating the heat very well this summer. By 8:00 in the morning, I'm generally saying it is too hot (Yes, I know, frightening isn't it?). I blame it on associating with so many snow faeries. (You know who you are) They must be rubbing off on me. Bad faeries! I just need to hang out with my dark faeries once school is back in session. They will counter the evil snow effects. Maybe we can even conjure up an Indian Summer. Hee!

The Wall That Heals

I know I've been bad about updating. School, teaching and getting for the Wall That Heals has sucked up all my time. The good news, it is finally here!

The Wall arrived yesterday afternoon. The trailer was escorted from Ascutney Vt into Newport by the Sullivan County Sheriff's' Dept. (Thank you Sheriff Prozzo and Deputy Sheriff Batista) as well as by member of the American Legion Riders and Rolling Thunder NH Chapter 1. I was there as well to get some photos before running off to get photos of it coming in at Parlin Field. (We won't talk about how fast I had to drive to pull that off....wait, I forgot, I didn't drive fast, I just hit the transdimensional portals on the back roads...yeah...that's it!) I got some great photos, which I will post as soon as I get them developed.

What I didn't expect was how I felt. I've been focusing on what needs to be done. When I saw it was really here, the first thought that popped into my head is I wish Daddy was here to see it. And then I realized, if he was, likely I wouldn't have been involved in any of this. Strange but true. I had a rough time with it yesterday. Luckily it passed.

It's not a bad thing to know that part of who you are now is informed by events in your life that were beyond your control. It's all about what you do with it. I can only hope, Daddy is happy what I've done with this.

In case I don't have a chance to update again during the weekend, everyone please have a safe and happy 4th of July. Make sure to hug your friends and family. And remember, our freedom was not nor is now, free.

Happy 1st Day of Summer

I've been very, very busy. Plus I've been making sure I get enough sleep so my brain actually works sort of how it is supposed to... I wanted to wish everyone a happy first day of summer. I'll post more later about what I've been doing and upcoming plans. For anyone in the area, don't forget the opening ceremony for the Wall that Heals event in Newport is July 3 at 11:00 am. Guess who one of the speakers is? Hugs and kisses to all!

Life Lessons

As you know from an earlier blog, my best friend's dad died two weeks ago. It was both expected and unexpected. Losing him shook me up, but I found some measure of peace with it because I had enough warning that I could say goodbye to the man I had loved like a father for the past twenty five years.

Last night, I found out a member of RT Chapter 1 was killed in a motorcycle accident. She was about my age. I'd met her a few times and was looking forward to getting to know her better this weekend at the DC events. In a split second, any number of lives were altered. The email Doc sent out informing all of us, closed with a reminder to tell those we hold in our thoughts that we love them, and give them a hug.

You never know when your time or theirs will be up. We often put off telling people how much they mean to us and we shouldn't. So for all of you who read my blog, I love you. Here's your hug.

Touching Base

I've been neglecting posting for a few days. Between trying to finish up papers, write a speech for Memorial Day, and all the other stuff that has been going on, I just haven't had time. Life has been fairly hectic lately. I'm hoping things will calm down long enough for me to at least get caught up on things before the summer insanity starts. Though I do think I've nailed the schedule down fairly well. I'll have to wait and see if it really works the way I think it will.

In the meantime, I will be finishing the immediate things up before I run away on Friday. This weekend is the annual Memorial Day trip to DC. It looks to be sunny and in the 70's the whole trip. Great weather, good friends, and lots and lots of motorcycles. What more could a girl want? Okay, there are a few things, but I don't think I'll look for them in DC.

If I don't have a chance to write again before I leave, I want to let all my friends that are veterans, that I'll be thinking of you this weekend, especially the guys from Hotel Company, and my fellow RT folks, especially the Rollins family. Everyone please have a safe weekend!

Sad news

For those who don't know yet, my best friend's dad passed away yesterday afternoon. Right now I'm just trying to get through the next couple of days supporting her and the rest of the family. Please add them to your prayers, thoughts, etc.

Just a quick note

I wanted to let everyone know I made it home safe and sound from my travels to DC with the kids. I had planned to relax...yeah right. Let's just say things were interesting...like the Chinese curse..."May you live in interesting times"...interesting. Apparently from a note I received, it got more interesting after I left.

Anyhoo...I'm home. I'm tired and very sore. I'm going to soak in a hot bath and go to bed. Jet will be wanting to take her walk in the morning and I have an environmental art project to complete before I have to take it to Keene in the evening. UGH!

At least there are only 2 more weeks to school. Then maybe I can get in some of that relaxation time.

And the craziness just keeps coming...

I decided to take a couple of minutes to blog over lunch. I figured if I didn't post something soon, I would start getting the emails asking if I was still breathing. So for all my friends...still breathing, life is still crazy, but the sun is shining and I'm feeling pretty good about life in general. Could just be the change in treatment, but hey, whatever it takes!

I'm trying to get all my stuff together and complete. The semester ends in a couple of weeks. ACK! Plus, I'm teaching programs, classes, etc. Next week is school vacation. Normally I'd use the week to get all my work done. We all know how well I do normal. So instead, I will be helping with the clean up at a Veteran's cemetery on Saturday, going to study my Flora community site, then packing. I leave for DC at 4:00 am on Sunday. The kids from the NET are going, so I'm going down too for a couple days to be with them.

The plan is to fly home Tuesday afternoon, drive home and start in on whatever projects are due for school that week. Hopefully, by the time I get back the books I'm waiting for will have arrived. That's what I'm praying for, so I don't have to ask for an extension.

In the meantime, I'm off to play with RT and then my kids. I may drop off the radar completely, but don't worry, I'm still breathing and I'm planning on actually RELAXING for a couple of days. (And no I have not been possessed or taken over by aliens) I'll update on the rest of my life next week.

Busy weekend

It has been a busy weekend. Not because I was doing homework. That would just be silly. Instead, I took the weekend off, sort of. I drove to Chelsea for the CPR/First Aid training through Rolling Thunder. The training was good, as was the company. It's always fun to hang out with people with the same warped sense of humor that I have. Scary as that thought is.

Driving is Massachusetts, not so much fun. I ended up getting turned around trying to get out of Chelsea. I finally drove into Boston to Logan and home from there. I stopped in Concord to pick up supplies for my final art project (does that count as homework?). I made into Newport just in time for 4pm mass. Made a couple of family visits along the way home. Once home, I vegged in front of the TV, emailed some and went to bed early. Mainly because I had to get up early. We had to walk Jet before going to Keene to do a 5K.

The roomie and I both did the race in under 40 minutes. Not to bad since I'm completely out of shape. I'm really working on eating better. After the race, we did some shopping, came home, and did pretty much nothing the rest of the day. I actually feel relaxed. At least that is what I think this feeling is...it could be a imbalance from the fresh air, sunlight and exercise.

I'm just thankful to be feeling better. My mood is leveling off and I'm focusing on here and now as much as I can to reduce my stress. And I actually have been having some fun while doing something constructive. This could be the start of a new trend.

One down...

Tonight was the last night of foster parent training for the Spring session. In some ways, it was a very short 5 weeks and in others, it went on forever, or so it seemed. I am very pleased with this group. I think they are all going to be wonderful foster parents. I'm glad I had the chance to be part of their preparation for that. I'm also glad it in finished. It means I have a couple of nights now at home. I can cook a decent meal, do some homework and get to bed earlier than I have been. I'm tired. It's not the exhaustion that comes from fighting with my demons. It's just being on the run so much.

Things are still chaotic around me. My schedule is still crazy. I'm working on what I can control and not control in all of this...necessary in demon fighting. I'm also working on why I keep myself so busy. I've always assumed it was so I didn't have to face my depression and anxiety. That would be easy. In reality, those demons are actually angels in disguise...they are my warning system that things internally and externally are really out of whack. I wish I could say it was more the external stuff, but it's not, at least not at this stage in my life.

In general, I'm at a stage where I'm realizing I have alot of regrets...mainly things I haven't accomplished more that things I have done, though there are a few of those in the mix. Part of me knows some of them are still possible. Some I feel may be beyond me at this point. Of course the tricky part is figuring out what I can still do and be able to do it while also managing my life so it's not making me feel crazy.

This is where I'm getting fouled up right now. There are many things I would like to do and could do. Except, my self confidence has taken some serious hits the past couple of years with the depression and anxiety flair ups. I'm more afraid of those getting really bad again than anything else in my life. Each one has felt worse than the last and felt like it took longer to bounce back from. I know it is mainly my perception of the past couple of years, that I'm actually handling everything in a much healthier way than before. I just don't feel it...at least not yet.

In a round about way, what led me to thinking about this tonight was something Father McHugh (the priest at mass, not my stepdad) said this morning during the prayers. He asked God for the grace to surmount the suffering we experience when we act toward a higher good. I've been talking to some of my kids about something similar. We like to think doing the right thing, for ourselves or others, will be easy and pain free. I don't believe that is true. Quite the opposite, I believe that doing what we know is right in our hearts is often the most difficult and painful thing we can do. What makes the difference is the grace we receive when we follow our heart's true calling. That is when all the suffering has been worth it. It is bittersweet, but then so is life.

Sunshine...finally

We have finally had a really sunny day! And the promise of more to come and warm temperatures. Maybe spring is really here. Thank heavens. Much more cold and cloudy weather would push me right over the edge.

I succeeded in getting the classes I want for the summer. I may be able to expand my practicum into a 4 credit instead of a 2. Then I would be half way done with my total practicum credits. Have to work on the plan so it will work. It was worth staying up late last night just to get this all taken care of. The summer will also mean I have more free time in spots. Not all the spots connect, but that is okay. Give me too much free time or horror of horrors, a real vacation, I get weird ...in the bad way. Most of the time I'm just weird, in a cute and mildly obnoxious way. It comes from working with teens all these years. (That is my story and I am sticking to it)

I decided I need to do something to start building in some free time. People keeps telling me I need to get more rest. This is coming from people who haven't physically seen me looking like the undead so I'm guessing it's one of those cosmic signs. The ones that turn into 2x4's to the head, though in my case, I'm fairly sure the guardian angels go straight to the steel reinforced 4x4's. Hey,I can admit I'm stubborn. It's part of my charm. I'm working on being a little more open to the suggestions from beyond ( and occasional people). Nowadays, it only takes two or three hits to the head. See, progress.

On the note of progress and taking proper care of myself, I'm off to bed. I'm going to mass in the morning. Lots of my people needing prayers these days. With everything going on around me, let alone in my head, I need the grounding that I get at mass. I'm praying the sunlight and warmth continue. I think it will help alot of people feel better, including me.

Joys of Grad School

It has been a crazy day. Got lots done this morning. Then I was off to get a massage...my body feels much better now. Then I flew (I'm pretty sure the car left the ground at least once) to the Teen Center with kiddos having meltdowns all over the place and then I rushed to Vermont to train foster parents on the joys of? Adolescents! I didn't see home again until 9:30 pm. I should be exhausted...wait, I am exhausted. So why am I up at this insane hour, especially since I have an 8:00am meeting. Because I'm crazy? Well, I am slightly more touched by the Divine than some, I'm trying to learn to just go with it. But that isn't the reason I am still awake at this hour. Oh no, it's far more twisted than that, it's all because of grad school.

Some people might think I was up this late doing homework since it is almost the end of the semester. Those of you who know me well know how funny that thought really is. No, I'm waiting until 12:01 am on April 15th to register for my summer courses. Normally I would just do it tomorrow morning.However, there are two classes that everyone I know is trying to get into, so I have to register as early as possible. Sadly, that is 12:01 in the morning. Who says folks in the registration office don't have a warped sense of humor obviously does not attend Antioch.

As a result, I'm typing away here. I've already packed my bag for my morning meeting and gathered together my materials for my Tuesday night class. (Be very afraid people) I have also put away all the clean dishes, emptied the dirty ones into the dishwasher, switched over my laundry and started another load. Times like this I scare myself. One of these days I might actually begin to think I'm an organized, responsible adult. Ackkkk! The horror of it.

Thank goodness for angels

I haven't written in a few days. My schedule has been very full, as usual. In some ways it has been a blessing. I had class this weekend. It forced me to do some work. Most importantly, it got me outside both days. That combined with a concerted effort to get enough sleep and eat better, as well as a medication shift has greatly improved my mood.

A few other things have helped. I've had a few visitations from doves the past few days. Always a good sign. The other came via a little brown bird I know. In a chat we had during one of my not so hot days, she told me to pay attention to signs, especially at mass (I'm mainly Irish and Italian...what else would you expect?). Strangely enough I made it to mass this week, because my class schedule changed due to a shift in the weather report. And the message? Don't give up and stay on track. Simple and to the point.

Lucky for me, I have angels watching over me.

The Blahs

I'm not even sure what to write. I'm here tonight mainly because I can't sleep. Not because of too much caffeine. I wish it was that. I haven't even finished the cup of team I made when I got home from work. My brain just won't slow down.

Instead it's a combination of feeling overwhelmed and numb, at the same time, if that makes any sense. I had hoped the sun and the warm weather would help to lift my mood some, get it out of the root cellar it seems to be hiding in. But no such luck. If anything, I feel worse because I can't really seem to enjoy it. I can cope so long as I'm doing something...something other than homework that is, which is adding to my anxiety and so on and so forth. Put it all together and I'm a mess...one with inhibited executive functioning.

The really crazy part...things should be fine, going according to plan. Except they aren't. Makes me wonder if I'm on the wrong plan...or the wrong timetable or something. All I know is I have to make some significant changes before this gets anymore out of control. I'm just not sure I trust myself to figure out what is the best thing for me right now. Following through on what is best for me...whole other issue.

Right now, some clear guidance and a little help would make a world of difference. Guess I'll have to wait for my guardian angel to get back from coffee break.

Brain in Rebellion

I haven't written here for a few days. Some of the reason is I've been incredibly busy. The other reason...my brain has decided to raise its own little rebellion. Basically, my anxiety attacks are coming daily and the depression is back. I've tried to explain to the brain that this is not a convenient time to do this. I have professional responsibilities plus it is almost the end of the semester. My brains response? Another anxiety attack and not being able to spell simple words...like "the". Cute, huh?

I'm being very responsible and taking the necessary medications. My other tricks to help...not really working. It might have something with my language center being out to lunch at the moment. Simple conversations are challenging...I can't track them very well and words keep escaping me. I know what I want to say...the words just run away before I can speak. Not a good thing when I have presentations to give and papers to write.

So I'm falling back on some other tricks. I went to church, late mass, but I still made it. I did some painting this evening. I ate one healthy meal today and I decided to not do two of the things I wanted to do today. I hated it, but I know I've already pushed myself about as far as I can. I did discover something interesting about my language issues though. Apparently it doesn't apply to prayer. I spent part of a recent car ride trying to stay, okay not calm, I was way beyond that, but at least level enough to get where I needed to get. I recited the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Prayer to St. Micheal over and over again. Apparently they are in the subconscious deep enough that the anxiety can't touch them. Lucky for me, because God knows I wasn't capable of coming up with any of my own prayers at that point.

Of course, I should be in bed at this hour since sleep is one of those key elements to sanity. It would help if I was tired, but I'm not. So I will read in bed until either my alarm goes off or I fall asleep. And I'll say a prayer that this passes quickly. Here's hope, I only spelled one word wrong while writing this...okay I spelled alot of them wrong, I only missed fixing one on my own.

A little woohoo!

I just arrived safely home from my Rolling Thunder chapter meeting. After two plus hours of driving through fog....lots and lots of heavy fog (let's just say someone is in trouble for that one), then torrential downpours, thunder and lightening and then surprise...more fog. (You know who you are...I expect chocolate).

Anyhoo...the little woohoo? I got my boot patch and my first cookie. Yay me! Of course, now I have to get a leather vest. I'd get a jacket, but it will be too hot to wear in DC for the RT events over Memorial Day.

I'm off to sleep (I hope). Up early again tomorrow. Is is July 2009 yet?

Clouds just won't clear out

It's one of those days. Outside, it is grey. The sky, the fog, everything. Inside, my mood fits. I even inadvertently put on a grey sweater as I ran out to a morning meeting. Not a good sign. I wish the clouds would clear already, outside and especially in my head.

Of course the part that really sucks...I did this one to myself...again. I've been pushing myself like crazy for weeks. Add juggling events that came up spur of the moment, and it really goes downhill from there. The worst part, I still have two and a half weeks before my schedule opens up even a little. Actually, that is the second worst part, the real worst part, I'm having to fight with myself to not start adding other things in. And I'm not talking about fun things either. Ugh!

Oh well. In the meantime, I have to finish the laundry, take a shower, get ready for work, etc. Have to remember to gas the car too. I've managed to forget three times now. I do it again, I'll be stranded on my way to tonight's meeting. Maybe while I'm doing that I can get the cats to do my homework. They keep taking over my desk chair, seems only fair they do the homework sitting there.

Busy Sunday

It is almost time to go to bed...according to Jet at least. I'm not terribly tired. Over the past two days I've slept about 26 hours. I guess I was more tired than I realized. As a result, I missed the Gold Star Mother Memorial dedication this morning. I did make it to the lecture on Agent Orange. It was an amazing presentation. I'll go into another time for all my Vietnam Vet readers. I made some great contacts for work on my paper, plus I hooked up with another RT member going to the funeral tomorrow, so now I don't have to do four hours of driving. Plus, I found another route to RT meetings in Epping, which will save a little time.

I got home around 6:00 with groceries and a larger watercolor pad. I made dinner and vegged on the couch. The roomie wouldn't let me have tea. She's holding me to cutting back on caffeine. Why did I tell her again? I also got to watch Jet kiss the dog on the TV screen. Really. Like I've said, she's touched. The roomie has decided to help work Jet (since she is a working dog breed) that she's going to get her a dog back pack so she can carry her own stuff on walks. Of course, she'll act all sad and pathetic, sort of like she is right now (it's bedtime in her reality).

The other good news, Noreen is in Saigon and there have been no new cirsis with the kiddos (knock wood). I'm off to bed so I'm rested for tomorrow.

Headless duckies and other highlights from today

It snowed, just not quite how I wished. Not enough to cancel classes, darn it all. I think a certain snow faery had something to do with it. (Just you wait, I'm calling up mud as we speak). I made my way slowly and carefully to Keene, no 180's on Route 12 this time. I attended my first class. I think I remember some of it, too tired to really be sure. And then I turned just the wrong way and *pop* went my back. I tried to ignore it but moving rapidly became difficult and painful. Any other afternoon I would have toughed it out, but we had a quiz in the field scheduled....three hours hiking in snow and slush. I decided to not be tough. I emailed my professor and headed home to rest.

Just as I started my car, I received a text message from one of my kids...who did have a snow day from school...humph. She'd just found the guy she's crazy about with another girl. She needed talk to her "Mom" so I took the long way home to see her. Very important, when your back hurts, sitting in a drafty, cold Dunkin Donuts is not advisable, but I digress. We talked. It's hard to explain to someone who has just had her heart broken that sometimes teenage guys are jerks (Sorry to all my male friends out there) and you can still love someone even after they've hurt you, etc, etc. I got to the importance of taking care of yourself, healthy boundaries, all that stuff. She finally went home to rest with a promise to text me if she needed to talk. Last I knew, she was hurting but with friends who are taking care of her. Note to self, get my phone plan changed to unlimited texts.

I finally got home. Jet was sleeping in her crate. I took a hot bath and laid down to rest. I was up again by the time the Roomie got home. I had had a phone call about the mother of another friend being ill so the candle was lit and the prayers said. (So far, doesn't seem to be as bad as we thought, but keep your fingers crossed) While I was vegging on the couch, Jet brought me her headless duckie.

Periodically, we bring Jet stuffies to play with. The latest was a little mallard duck toy for Easter.(Yes, the dog got Easter presents too!) Like all the other stuffies, Jet decapitated the poor thing. We have just noted the headless trend. It has been suggested to us that she rips off the head first so they don't stare at her while she chews on them. See how clever she is? She is very attached to her headless toys so we have to wait until she's not looking to dispatch them properly.

Other than that, not much going on. I have a ton of homework, I need some serious sleep before the events this weekend and I'm awaiting word Noreen has made it safely to Vietnam.

Mark this date on the calendar

It is supposed to snow tonight! In special deference to my buddy Dryad I'm happy to welcome the snow. Really... Aren't I a good friend?

Okay, I'm actually hoping for the snow so I don't have to go to class tomorrow. I'm tired and I haven't studied for my New England Flora test. There are no brain cells capable of retaining Latin. I want to stay curled up in bed with a mug of tea and read a book. So the more snow the better.

Bet you NEVER thought you'd hear ME say that.

I knew I forgot something...

Silly me, I forgot to put sleep down on the healthy lifestyle changes. Must have been the insomnia's doing. I only got about 2 hours of sleep last night. Normally not a problem except I'm working until 9:00pm tonight and then have to study for my New England Flora quiz. Whose brilliant idea was it again to make scientific names Latin? (Don't even start Sparrow....I'll give the kids pixie sticks and Mountain Dew, and a drum set, I mean it.) Ugh!

Another round

It is almost 11:00pm. I should be tucked away in bed fast asleep. Yeah, right. Instead, my latest round of insomnia has kicked in to join the anxiety attacks I've been having. Trying to change my approach though.

First off, I'm starting to wean myself off of coffee. Scary for those of you who know I generally have a Dunkin Donuts cup attached on an almost constant basis. I'm not crazy enough to quit cold turkey...no one should have to suffer through me when I do. So only one cup today. I switched to water, tea and herb tea (No I have not been taken over by an alien) I even cut the amount of sugar in my regular tea.

I'm currently researching diet changes I can make, as well as supplements that might help level things out emotionally and physically. So back to the healthy eating thing. (Though I refuse to give up chocolate...it is one of the few vices I indulge in) And now that it is warmer out and my feet are improving, I can start walking. I really want to go right back to running but I have to balance out the endorphin rush with being able to walk. So moderation (No really, I haven't been taken over by aliens)

Of course, my work schedule, including school and volunteer stuff is still nuts. I'm laying some groundwork which will make both the schedule and me more sane...I hope. But here's the real kicker. Prepare to be amazed...or frightened, whatever.

I've promised myself that for every stressful thing I do, even if it is a good thing, necessary at the moment, etc. I'm going to do something, even a little thing I enjoy and that let's me focus on the good stuff in life. So here I am writing in my blog. I just finished the second of two watercolors I'm working on for school. (Yes I'm painting Mona!) I've got seed planted and I'm researching composting and square foot gardening. I've got part of the design for my business cards sketched out. I've got lots of little stuff that makes me happy. Okay cleaning my desk isn't one of them...I figure I'll just plan a dinner party so I have to clean it to use the dining room table...otherwise known as my disaster area. The best part, is I can refocus on anyone of them when the anxiety attacks start or the insomnia hits. Thinking happy thoughts doesn't help much but doing things that make me happy seems to be a workable plan. And my brain goes happily along with it. Trixy aren't I?

PS. If anyone would like paintings, I'm happy to oblige. I'll try to post pictures once my digital camera is charged and running.

Rolling Thunder Events

This Sunday is going to be crazy. The dedication of the site for the Gold Star Mother memorial is in the morning. Then there is a related event at the Epping American Legion Hall for providing information about the impact of Agent Orange on Vietnam Vets. Crazy in and of itself. But there is one more event I have to attend after that.

Monday is the funeral services for the Army medic from New Hampshire. Rolling Thunder has requested as many members attend as possible to support the family as well as a request for any other Gold Star families to attend. Lucky me, I fall into both and I have a flexible work schedule. Normally I avoid funerals, especially military funerals like the plague. But I feel I am supposed to go to this one. I don't know why. Gotta love it when that happens.

At least I can go to mass on Saturday. And now I have to sign out...before Mackenzie loses my blog.

"Only the dead have seen the end of war"

I spent all weekend trying to avoid the news. All last week, the news was reporting the approaching 4000 dead mark for the war in Iraq. Discussions about what significance reaching that number will have on the war effort, the peace movement, etc. Today, the news reports spoke of the 4000 number having been reached. The war still continues as do the arguments both for and against it. The only ones who are beyond it are the dead.

It is the living who have not seen the end to it. Those who are still serving in harms way. Those whose families eagerly await emails from loved ones even as they dread the one message no one wants to receive. Those who received that message, whose hearts carry love and pain in equal measure to their loss. Those who were injured in Iraq, still trying to battle their way back to some type of normal life, those that never will. Those who stand by helpless to heal their loved ones, body mind or soul. Those who have served, returned home and yet are forever changed.

All these have been touched by war, many have stood in the shadow of death. None are the same. Not even the dead. They are merely freed from this war. So today, I pray for the dead, but even more, I pray for the living. May they find the grace and peace they need to heal from the scourge of war. May we find better paths to follow than war.

Sometimes I hate the world

It's late. I just got home from training foster parents. Of course, the video tape we were supposed to use went wonky....not my fault, it was never in my possession. So Jane and I improvised and used another of the videos. This one tells what it's like to be in foster care from the perspective of a young child who has been through many placements...something that isn't supposed to happen anymore, but sadly does. I try to prepare myself ahead of time when we're going to show it. It always gets to me...I can't help but remember all the families I worked with years ago. I wonder how those kids are doing now and pray they are safe and loved at the very least. I didn't really have time to prepare myself, but managed to get through it. And then the group discussed it, which lead to a conversation that broke my heart.

One of the children in care was just about to be adopted. This child has literally been through Hell. But something went wrong...again. So this little one will be moved again and we start over. I can't imagine suddenly saying I don't want a child that I had been caring for for months. I can't understand how anyone can do that. Of course, in my heart, I can't grasp why anyone would harm a child. I can understand what happens in some cases intellectually, but right now...I'm not in that place. Right now, I want to scream at the injustice of a world where this happens. My only solace is I know the people who will help this little one through it. They are all angels, I swear.

But right now, I hate the world where this is even an issue. So I will go to bed with a mug of tea and my book, and read, and cry, and pray. And tomorrow, I'll remind myself of what someone told me not long ago...that I wouldn't do what I do if it wasn't for the fact that I really did love the world.

Too Many Hours in the Day

It is about 4:45 pm. I've got about ten minutes to regroup, grab the appropriate work bag and head back out the door. I left this morning at 6:15 am and have been going since. I'd love nothing more than to settle in on the couch with a mug of tea, a good book and the puppy. But alas, I have to go provide training for foster parents until 9:00 tonight.

There are definitely too many hours in the day, at least today. Of course, by the time I get home tonight, I'll be thinking there are too few hours left in the day to get anything more done. Truly sick and twisted I know, but it is how my mind works. Oh well, no rest for the wicked...and all that. Sigh.

St. Patrick's Day - The REAL Story

If you read yesterday's blog, you know that my roommate went to the Pub while I was slaving away at work. She even brought back a Guinness glass to add insult to injury. Imagine my surprise when I checked my blog comments this afternoon.

It turns out she was really mugged while leaving the gym after work. Some terrible leprechaun forced the glass of Guinness on her. Of course, she had to drink it. Then she dusted herself off and hurried home to let our poor puppy out. I believe her, don't you?

Of course, that doesn't explain where the bright green Guinness sticker on the fridge. Or why a leprechaun would pick a nice Scottish/English girl to give Guinness too. Especially when there is a nice Irish girl around. Maybe the leprechaun is planning on bringing some Guinness home Friday night, especially since I'm pretty sure that some fairy drank all the beer in the house. Seems only fair right?

St. Patrick's Day

It's Monday night. I just got home. Unlike a certain roommate who will remain anonymous (you know who you are) I wasn't at the Pub enjoying St. Patrick's Day like a good Irish (okay, part Irish) girl should. I was at work, training potential foster parents for the State of Vermont.
Seems unfair to me. Especially since I got up early to go to a special mass.

St Patrick is the patron of the church I've attended off and on since I was a baby. Take that and it being the start of Holy Week....what can you do? I had to go anyways to light a candle and say a couple of prayers for some friends in need and for a couple of my kids. It seems alot of people I know are having some sort of serious difficulty in their life right now. Some have faith to fall back on, some don't at the moment. I figure lending some of mine can't hurt.

One special interlude this morning before mass involved my Dad and some of the older church ladies. It seems they meet regularly before daily mass to say the rosary together. Each of them takes a section, leading the prayers and asking for special intentions, such as safety in travel for a son, healing for a parishioner with cancer, etc. All of the prayers were for others. And they do it almost everyday. Just a quiet testament to faith and good will toward others.

I do things a little differently. I don't pray the rosary, not because I don't have one. I do, my mom brought it back from Ireland for me. I haven't prayed the complete rosary since I was a child. I haven't retaught myself all the prayers again. (I can just see Sister Marcel shaking her head at me. I got that alot during catechism) So in addition to lighting candles at church, I light novenas at home. While the novena candles burn, I send out prayer requests via email. Some come from me asking for prayers for someone I love. Some come via me as requests from others. The way I see it, so long as the heart is true, where the prayer is said or how it is sent doesn't matter as much. And the more hearts engaged, the better for all involved. Of course this might be part of my past issues with the Catholic church. (Don't tell Father Rick, he'd be shocked). Must be the rebel Irish blood.

Prayer must work though, I saw the true official sign of spring. Two motorcycles out for a ride! Woohoo!

Jet

Jet has got to be one of the funniest (in both the ha ha and the just a little weird meanings of the word) dogs I've ever had. She is almost a year and a half years old. We've had her since August.
She came to us with very few manners and lots of issues. Now...well I'd say she's normal, but she's really not. I like to say she's a little more touched by God than other dogs.

For example, she insists on being with me in the kitchen while I cook. If the oven timer goes off and I don't get up right away...she'll run back and forth between the oven and me, wherever I happen to be. If it goes off twice, she is not above grabbing ahold of whatever is handy with her mouth. It might be a sweater, it might be a hand.

At this moment, she is pouting. She sleeps with my roommate in her room at night. Jet firmly believes her bedtime is 8:00pm. She will start pacing at 7:30 just so we'll notice her. At 8:00, she will sit and stare at Kristi in between pacing. This will continue until either a) Kristi takes her to bed or b) she proceeds to having a tantrum. Watching a dog beat up on her doggy pillow, her balls, etc. is pretty funny. Chasing the cats, not so much, the cats usually chase back. If that doesn't work, she pouts. She will lay down between my desk and Kristi's desks. And then, she sighs, quite loudly. From her prime vantage spot, she can do the whole sorrowful, woe is me eye roll at both of us. She's trying to guilt Kristi and trying to convince me to make Kristi go to bed. Guess that means I'm alpha?

Of course, during all of this, she could just lay down and sleep. Especially if I'm not sitting on "her" corner of the couch. But she won't. Sometimes she is just too smart for her own good. I don't know where she gets it from.

Random Bits

It's hard to believe I haven't posted in almost a week. There's not much going on. Let's see. I'm on break from school for two weeks. I picked up another class to teach...World History. I start teaching the bi-annual foster parent training next week, so lots to do to prep for that....come to think of it, I should probably get on that tomorrow. I've been doing my programs at the middle school and I just started doing a teen issues group at the Teen Center. It's great, I get paid to hang out with my kids!

What else? Hmmm.... Oh yeah, I've been doing firewood deliveries with Peter. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. Last Saturday, I had one of my godbabies for the day. We planted seeds. They are part of a surprise. I can't go into it here because it is a secret. If you want to know, you'll have to email me. (Except Sparrow, I can't even tell you then, sorry!) I also had a meeting about the Wall That Heals. Make sure to put July 3-6 in your calendars. That is when the Wall will be in Newport. I was supposed to talk about it at Rolling Thunder last week but I had to miss the meeting. Slight crisis with one of the kids...all is calm... I think.

Things were busier than I realized. This weekend I have to shop for a training, I have an all day workshop Saturday and I have to find something green in my wardrobe for Monday! Plus Friday night I'm helping out with a dinner at the Teen Center. Which reminds me, I have to make my hotel reservation for April vacation. A group of the kids have raised money to go to DC. I'm going down for a couple of days. I can't wait. I only wish I could spend the whole time with them. I have to be back for the art exhibit at school. I'll post more about that another time.

I think that is all the latest news. I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay...as of yesterday at least. I do have a couple of friends who are having some rough spots, please keep them in your prayers, whatever form they take. Jet is still a knucklehead. For those who have yet to meet her in person...you'll just have to take my word for it.

I'm off to bed. I have to be up to split wood in the morning. Woohoo! (I'm serious, I actually enjoy it....lots of fresh air)

Oh, before I forget, I not only saw my first robin of the spring...I saw a whole flock of them! Spring is here! Heehee!

Hugs to all!

And just to complicate things...

As if I wasn't having a hard enough time deciding what to do, the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Fund announced a trip to Vietnam in August. I have been wanting to go to Vietnam for a long time, but something has always come up. And now, I have to decide if I want to go, and oh, that little question of how to pay for it (details, details).

It seems alot of this trip will be about Project Renew. This project focuses on finding and safely eliminating unexploded ordinance left from the war. It is hard to imagine people are still being wounded and dying, not to mention what it does to the environment.

I'm really interested in the project, both as a graduate student in environmental studies and the daughter of someone who lost his life to an explosive device. And my birthday is in August. Maybe this is the sign I've been looking for? Or I've just been reading too much Jung in preparation for my presentation tomorrow morning. And so, goodnight...I'm away to bed.

Betwixt and Between

I hate this time of year. The ground is still covered with snow and ice. It's still cold enough to need a coat. Yet the sun is warmer and there are definite signs of spring. I guess I'm just impatient. I want winter to be over and spring to be here fully. I'm feeling impatient alot these days.

I'm trying to decide what to do about a practicum. Or where to do one. Do I stay close to home or go away for a couple of months? What do I do about work in the meantime. Do I stay where I'm needed or do I run screaming for the hills. I have elements in my life I love and enjoy and at the same time, it feels like nothing in my life quite fits. I don't know where to go from here. Like the seasons, I'm betwixt and between.

I have faith this is serving some kind of purpose, but it doesn't make it any easier here in the present moment. It would be nice to get a hint of what it is...sort of like seeing the first crocus peeping out of the snow letting you know your faith in spring has paid off.

Oh well, off to class.

Ash's Birthday Wish

One of my girls turned 16 today! It's hard to believe. It was just yesterday she was an obnoxious 6th grader. I ran to the florist's to get her flowers. She has had a rough haul the past few years. Too much to even get into here. Let's just say, she is one of my special ones. Okay, all my kids are special in their own unique twisted ways. But there are only a few of them that call me Mom and mean it. Ash is one.

I gave her the flowers before she left school. Then I ran into at the Teen Center...she had called to make sure I was going to stop by to check on another of my kids who had been MIA. While I was hanging out with them (who needs to do homework...it's only 3 papers that are due), she told me what her birthday wish was. Her older brother is serving in Iraq. She wants him home. She knew it was just a wish, so we redid it, deciding instead to turn it into a prayer for his safe return. Her greatest fear, of course, is that her wish won't come true. It's one of mine too, but I didn't tell her that. I've been able to mentor her through alot of stuff...I pray to heaven I don't have to ever help any of my kids through that.

So tonight, I'll light a novena candle and Friday, I'll light another at mass. I'll add Brandon to my regular list of those I ask be watched over (Ash is already on it) and I'll pray for peace, so they can all come home safe to their loved ones.

Suffer for Sanity

There's a great line in the song "Vincent" about having to suffer for sanity. It's a beautiful song in general, if a bit sad. But that particular line strikes a chord for me. It speaks the experience of trying to maintain normalcy - read sanity- when your own mind and body are taking you places that are anything but normal, let alone sane.

That has been what the past couple of years have been like for me. I was diagnosed officially two years ago with depression as well as an anxiety disorder. It is likely I've had them most of my life. For a long time I was better at living with it. Mainly because I totally ignored its presence in my life. Once I started college and realized things really weren't normal, I switched right into denial and all sorts of coping mechanisms that were anything but healthy. Some of you have known me that long...you know how crazy I really was. By sheer stubbornness, incredible support from my friends and just plain divine intervention, I made it through those times. Fairly battered and scarred, but alive. That is when I really started to deal with some of the issues in my life.

As a result, there are alot of people who are no longer welcome in my life. It came down to I could be the "good girl" I was raised to be or I could have some measure of sanity in my life. Some of it came out of a realization that I create enough chaos in my life without having input from anyone else. The really funny part of all of this? The more I have dealt with things and started to decide what I really want in my life...the crazier I have felt. The depression is bad enough, but the panic attacks? They really suck. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak. I'm better than I was, but I hate being out of control, especially of my own mind and body. And that is what the attacks do to me. The really, really funny part...it means I'm actually saner than I've ever been.

In this day and age, we have medicines to help with both issues. And after a great deal of soul searching, as well as a couple of well placed swats with 2X4's from the Universe, I have used them. I've also gone into counseling, returned to the faith of my childhood,, as well as to my art. The fight has been going on for two years now. We'll say the war has been a draw up until now.

I've reached a point where I realize this war may never be over. There are battles with myself I will have to fight at various points. I've had to accept this is something I can't fix by sheer force of will. My sanity is hard won some days, and I do suffer, that's the price of not giving into it. It may continue to be the price as I work to come out of the cocoon I've hidden in for the past two years, waiting for this to be fixed and go away. And, I've found that speaking about my experiences has helped some other people going through the same things...people who felt too afraid to tell anyone. That is how I felt for a long time too. I feel now that keeping it a secret only gives it strength over my day to day life. It has had too much already. I refuse to let it have any more than I have to.

Now my prayers are focused on finding a way to live my life knowing this particular demon can reappear to breath down my neck at any time. If I have to suffer through it to keep my sanity, then I want to make sure I also have created a life for myself that makes the fight worthwhile. So while I start to do that, I repeat to myself a simple prayer of protection: "St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle..." After all, who is going to mess with an archangel?

Lunch Break

I'm on break for lunch. I have New England Flora this afternoon. I should be prepping for the presentation Nia and I have to make. I'm not...I'm totally unmotivated right now. It's cold out, really, really cold; I'm tired and it is supposed to snow....again. The snow faery in PA is in sooooo much trouble. I'm seriously not amused. (Just you wait Dryad...I'll get you and your Monster Cat too).

Class this morning was interesting. We're discussing the transition from middle childhood to early adolescence. Interesting for me since that is part of the age group I work with. Any trick that helps me understand my evil spawn...I mean my kids better is most welcome. What I'm really interested in is what happens when a developmental stage is either missed or someone is pushed through them too fast by things in their lives. Alot of my kids are in that place. So how do we help them so they'll be okay now and in the future? It's really interesting material. Unfortunately, I'm so tired I can't keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of seconds.

I can't wait for spring break. Only one more week to go...and three projects & papers. I'll just keep thinking of all the days I can stay in my pj's reading with a big cup of coffee. Almost as good as a sunny beach in the tropics. Okay, I'm so tired I'm delusional. At least I'm still cute.

Off to present on sumac and bayberry. Do I know how to party or what?

A lab, a snow day and other random thoughts

Okay, so it's after 10pm. I should go to bed so I can be bright, witty and on it for class tomorrow. Instead, I'm sitting up with a cup of tea writing this blog. Who needs to be witty anyways? I'll just wow them with my good looks.

Mainly I'm up writing because I'm not really tired. I had a snow day today, so I was home. I laid down for a minute to regroup before taking a shower and doing the ton and a half of homework I've got. That was the plan at 10am. I didn't plan to fall asleep. Four hours later....well you get the picture.

Jet was very good during my unexpected nap. It could be she was in her crate. For those of you who haven't met Jet in person, she is the Black Lab puppy my roomate and I adopted last August. When we got her, she was 9 months old and had no social skills (I won't go into the reasons why, I'll just get irritated). We've had her for 6 months now. She is much improved but she still has...issues, we'll say. We now have to crate her in the house because she ate too many holes in her chain link fence. We can't leave her running loose when we're not home. She has a little anxiety issue about that. The result is she'll eat something... a shoe, a wall, etc. She'd try for one of the cats, but she knows she'd loose that fight. She also has some strange fascination with snow. Sick but true, she likes to play in it almost as much as she likes to play in water.

Needless to say, everytime she went out today, it turned into a game of diving head first into the snow. She literally will swim in the stuff. She was in a very playful mood. These moods usually correspond with my attmepts to do homework. Nothing like trying to type a paper when you have a 60lb lab jumping on you because she wants you to throw her ball (Yes, we play ball in the house...what can I say, I was one of THOSE kids). Which of course explains why I'm up at this hour having just finished tonight's homework.

Luckily for her, she really is cute. She's just a little "special" as we like to say. She also snores...I can hear her all the way downstairs.

They're at it again!

I think the computer pixies are up to their nonsense again. I had a really great post all set to go and then...poof! It was gone, lost into the ethers. I'm too tired to try to recreate it. All I can say is I'm tired of the pixies messing with the postings and I'm really tired of snow.

I've tried over the past couple of years to learn to like winter. It's not one of my favorite seasons, but I've worked out a certain appreciation for it. Except now, when spring is in the air and then there's another snow storm.

I've been starting to go a little stir crazy...early spring fever. It hits me every year about now. It comes from growing up on a farm. I can tell when it is lambing season by the warmth of the sunlight and a certain scent in the air that only comes this time of year. Once I have those signs, I'm ready for spring. Which means, the snow has got to go. Maybe if I ask nicely, the computer pixies can go with it. What do you think, do computer pixies like to ski?

Greetings from the NET

It is a snowy day. My afternoon class was cancelled. I'm trying to feel bad about that, really. Okay, I can't even fake it. I'm actually happy to not have class. I was not looking forward to tromping through the woods with it snowing. Sad but true.

With the afternoon off, I went out to lunch with Darlene. I really wanted a bacon cheeseburger, but it's Friday. So no meat for me. Then I ran errands with Dar. We have a fund-raiser tonight for the Teen Center, so rather than drive home and have to drive back, I decided to hang out here at the NET and visit with my kids.

The kids are funny. They all had to say hi and give me hugs. Once they knew I would be here for the rest of the afternoon, they all disappeared to do their own thing. All is well as long as they know I'm around for the rest of the day. Newport school system is on vacation next week,so no work outside of teaching. I'm going swimming with the kids Monday. I'll spend the rest of the week catching up on homework.

Danny just came into the doorway to play catch, Mackenzie, my youngest goddaughter is trying to steal her mother's soda and help me with my blog. Jackie is getting some help on her homework for a college course, Jared and Lars are singing together in the background. Even if I have to schmooze with potential funders tonight, I'm with my kids. Life is good.

Raggedy Musings

It is late. I just finished the last of the absolutlely necessary homework I had to do. Only two more days to go and I can spend the whole day Sunday (Thank heaven for 430 Mass on Saturday) curled up in bed with a cat, a cup of mocha, and a good book.

It has been a long and difficult week. There have been silver linings. No nightmares last night and no panic attacks today. I finally received the feedback I'd been waiting for from one of my professors. I attended a really fantastic training this weekend. I'm still writing. I've even started sketching out studies for the final art project that will be due in May. (Scary huh, a project where I'm not waiting until the last moment) And I've had a reminder of how many wonderful people I have in my life.

My friends have always been my support, my true family. I've been able to rely on that when I feel even MY Yankee stubbornness isn't going to get me through. For those of you with years of experience dealing with my stubborn-to-the-point -of -shear-stupidity tendencies (combine the Italian and Celt on my mother's side with my Dad's Yankee side, what else would anyone expect?), you know how bad it is for me to even admit that I can't will myself through something. Despite the nightmares of some of my worst fears that have plagued me this week, I'm not alone. I have people who watch my back, who remember to send simple gestures that brighten even the worst day, who will make sure I'm eating at least one healthy meal a day, etc.
And the circle of friends keeps growing. For all of this week, the good and even the not so good, I'm grateful.

Demons

I haven't written for a week. Lot of reasons. I've been crazy busy. Emphasis more on the crazy I think. Every year, for as long as I can remeber...maybe even longer, I get crazy (more than my usual) for the two weeks leading up to February 18th. I thought I was going to make it through relatively easy this year. Maybe, just maybe, this particular demon would just wave as it drove by. No such luck. It showed up with a new trick.

There were a couple of brief drivebys. Nothing I couldn't handle. And then the nightmares started. Some are the ones I've always had, of seeing Daddy, of knowing what was going to happen and not be able to stop it. But now there were new ones too. Whenever things have been really difficult over the past few years, I will inevitably have a dream about Daddy. In them, he's the age he would be if he'd lived. And he is whole in body and spirit. We're usually sitting on a set of front steps or fishing by a lake. (Actually, he's fishing, I'm just hanging out with him...fishing....ICK). But he's there when I need him. We talk though I don't often remember what he says. (My Uncle Alden would argue Daddy's telling to listen to him...I'm pretty sure Daddy gets a kick out of that) But in these nightmares, I've been to both of our places and he's not there. There isn't even the sense of his presence that I've always been able to feel. There's nothing. He really gone and he hasn't said goodbye.

To say I've got abandonment issues is to put it mildly. I've learned to deal with them...not always well, but that's a subject for another time. This however, has thrown me. I can look at the nightmares intellectually, see them for what they are. If only my mind could run the show, but I'm trying to live from my heart.

Unfortunately, my heart, it just hurts. I hurt the same way I did when I was four years old and my mother told me what had happened to Daddy. I was left alone to deal with the loss that day. That is still how I tend to deal with it. Not because I don't now have people to be there for me. There simply are no words. They were held in that day and I've never been able to get them to come out. I even stopped speaking to God. It would be years before we made peace.

Isn't it strange, how just when we know how to send our personal demons on their way, they find a new way to kick us in the gut? I've worked incredibly hard to get my life on an even keel. At this point, I'm more concerned with peace than with happiness (may seem twisted, but it's the truth). It seems I have even more hard work ahead of me. I'll work on it tomorow. And in the meantime, I'll light a candle and say a prayer for Daddy and another for all the families who have to go through this hell.

My Kids or Why I Have So Many Grey Hairs

Kids...yeesh! For a single, unattached woman with no children of my own, I have way too many grey hairs these days. By and large, the majority of my godchildren are a pure joy. Of course four of them are under the age of eleven, so the amount of trouble they can cause or get into is limited. The older three, well they are another matter. Though only one is having difficulties that I worry somewhat about.

It's the rest of "my kids" I worry about. This is where some people get confused. I don't have any kids of my own, it's true. Except I have a group of ten to fifteen kids (it fluctuates) that are mine. I saw alot of them today. And I do worry about them, alot. Not because they are bad kids, because they're not. They are actually really good kids. They are smart and more importantly, they have good hearts. They look out for each other like they were really family. So why do I worry?

Because this is not an easy world to be a teenager in. My kids have challenges facing them daily, and they don't always make the best decisions. Some of them have ended up way over their heads. Sometimes they forget they can ask for help, sometimes they don't have someone who is willing to help. Some of them, from what I hear, have lost their way out in the world.

Even though they are no longer "my responsibility", I still worry about them. Things have been hard for some of them lately. And they still long for an adult who will joke with them, laugh at their nonsense and threaten to kick them in the butts if they don't take care of themselves and each other, if they don't do well in school, etc. and to give them a hug when they've had a rough day.

So I have alot of grey hairs I might have put off for a few more years. If some of those grey hairs mean things are a little better for my kids, it's not such a high price to pay.

But I will ask, if you are so inclined, include my little gang of hooligans in your thoughts and prayers. They can use all the help they can get. You might even save me from a couple more grey hairs.

PS If you live in NH, we can always use more volunteers at the Teen Center. You haven't partied until you've chaperoned a dance. We have one Saturday night!

Sleepy Sunday

It's Sunday night. I should be going to bed. I'm not. I slept through most of today. What was supposed to be a short nap break before tackling homework turned into a 5 hour nap. Oops. So I'm behind on my reading...nothing new there. Apparently I needed the rest. Though I could have done without the weird dreams...too weird to even attempt to go into here. At least I missed hours of Valentine's Day commercials floating over to my work area from the living room.

If I'm reminded there are only (enter appropriate number) of days left to get your Valentine's the perfect though expensive and generally unnecessary romantic gift, I'm going to scream! Not a good thing since it makes my dog look at me funny when I do that. Though, Jet spends alot of time looking at me funny. I thought I was passed crass commercialism once the dreaded Christmas shopping season was past. Part of that might be I tend to block Valentine's Day out on general priciple of being single and unattached. Oh well, only 4 more days, and there will be peace and quiet and the price of roses will go back down so I can afford to buy my own flowers.

Darn Computer Pixies

I had a new post all set to go. And then...nothing. It was gone. I suspect it has been grabbed by the pixies residing in my computer. It had been working fairly smoothly considering it is MY computer. I was hoping they had moved on to someone else's computer, but no. They were just on vacation. I guess they decided to grab the blog so they could catch up on the news they missed. Or they're using the text to do something else. So long as they don't rewrite any of my papers for school.

Of course now I'm wondering. Where do computer pixies GO on vacation? And does it have a warm, sunny beach, a pile of good books, appropriate scenery (I'll leave that to your imagination) and chocolate? If so, how do I get there?

In the meantime, if anyone would like a few pixies to live in their computer, please let me know. I'm happy to share.

Late Night, Lent and Other Random Thoughts

It is past 11:00 pm. I just finished, mostly, writing a paper on environmental art for class tomorrow. It had to be at least 1500 words. I finally gave up at around 1300. I can bullshit with the best of them, but I refuse to keep repeating myself for the sake of an arbitrary limit. It may come back to bite me, but oh well. Maybe some last minute inspiration will hit me. Maybe. Or maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow and I can take another crack at it. I can hope.

I spent my early morning at St. Pat's with Da. Ash Wednesday, had to get the ashes. At least this year I remembered not to wear a white shirt. The standard question from everyone has been what am I giving up for Lent. The past two years, it has been coffee. Kristi vetoed that one this year. Only fair since she has to live with me in the morning...not a pretty picture if I don't have coffee. Even more so now since I'm up late doing homework every night. She had another option, which I won't mention here. I told her it would be cheating to give up something I don't have in my life right now. There is always doing what I did in my rebellious teenage years. I'd give up being Catholic for Lent. One year I was sure it had stuck for good, that short of other people's ceremonies, I wouldn't ever step foot in church again. And it did stick...at least until four years ago when I woke up on Ash Wednesday with the overriding urge to go to Mass. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

So what have I given up for Lent. When Krisit asked me again tonight...after reminding I couldn't have the spaghetti because there was meat in it...I swear she was Catholic in another life...I stated I still had until midnight. Which is true...38 minutes and counting. But something Father Rick said this morning resonated with something I had been mulling over last night. I hadn't been able to settle on any one thing. Add that anxiety to being overtired from my normal February bout of insomnia and all that goes with it and I was in melt down mode. The funny thing about my meltdowns is they often help me clarify things in my head. (Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy to see them go away for ever) Darn tangents, scat... So, meltdown, clarification thanks to the meltdown and a reading from Beauty by John Donaghue (Great book)
and confirmation (oh look, a pun) from Father Rick, I've decided to give up being close hearted.

I've realized, espeicially after this past summer, that when I go into one of my dark spells, I shut down emotionally and pull back from everyone I love. I know where it comes from and why I do it. Not so quick on catching when I'm doing it right off...but hence why I'm focusing on it for Lent and why Sparrow has permission to thump me one when I start doing it. (Note: I said Sparrow, no one else...though someone else has been known to get away with it, but I don't think she can reach from Oregon :)) Of course, along with it is being willing to be vulnerable and have faith. Okay, one I can muster, the other I will be the first to admit I suck at. But why work on something I can already do well? No challenge in that.

Apparently I'm looking for challenges this year. Today was officially my last day working at the vet office. With any luck, by mid-March, my feet will be okay enough to start running again. Keep your fingers crossed, especially since running is crucial to my mental stability (such as it is). I could ramble on, but I should try to get some sleep and I think I've timed it so I don't have to worry about having any of dreams I'd rather not have.

Happiness

I just hopped on to see if anyone had left any comments, etc. Imagine my very happy surprise to have a comment from Dryad.
For you that don't know, she is a very dear friend who lives far away. It is very sad. She is also the co-faerygodmother for 2 of my godchildren. I haven't seen or heard from her since Yule 2006.
Happily, she is alive. This is a good thing since
1: She is a sweetheart, very witty, shares my love of sparklies (jewelry, books, men, etc.) and bakes like an angel (though she likes snow...strange but I love her anyways)

and

2: SHE gets the godchildren from 14 on (No complaining, I could hand them off at 12). I feel this is only fair since I got them through colic, terrible twos (okay, they weren't that terrible) and sundry other adventures (it's REALLY not my fault!). What can I say, they are my godchildren and as such, well let's just say all of my godchildren have inherited little personality "quirks" from me(Like I said, not my fault). Heavens help them.

So before I go back to homework...okay, I'll be honest, it was a snow day, I haven't started my homework yet, here is a shout out to Dryad. I've missed you!

AN: This should be fair warning to all my other friends. Your turn in the blog is coming! (Though bribes of chocolate and/or flowers will be accepted to keep you anonymous...a girls gotta do something to get spoiled) HEE!

February 4th

I was sitting, doing homework. I had to look at the calendar to check a due date. That's when I realized tomorrow is February 4th. To some people, it's just another day on the calendar. I wish, more than anything that was all it was to me. For me, it's the day, thirty eight years ago, that my life changed forever.

February 4, 1970, my father was leading a fire squad on patrol near the bridge at Lang Co, Thua Thien, Vietnam. While on that patrol, he triggered an enemy explosive device. That explosion, serverely injured him. He lost both legs, his left arm and likely his left eye. Despite the best efforts of the medical personnel aboard the USS. Repose, he also lost his life two weeks later, on February 18th.

Needless to say, the two weeks between the 4th and the 18th are my least favorite throughout the year. Add in Valentine's Day on the 14th, and I would be more than happy to erase February from my calendar completely. But instead, I have to live through it each year. I spend alot of time between trying to ignore it and mentally preparing myself to deal with the inevitable emotional fall out that will come. Usually, I make it about half way before it catches up to me. Unless, I have to look at a calendar, like today.

I've always wished I would get to a place in my life where I could see those dates on the calendar and not get a knot in my stomach. I've wished for that as often as I've wished that none of it had ever happened and that I could pick up the phone right now and call Daddy the way I call his brother. I know that is never going to happen. Doesn't mean I don't still wish it. So what do I wish for now?

Tonight, my wishes are really prayers. I pray that Daddy is at peace. And I pray for peace of mind and spirit for the others who served and sacrificed there, I know how elusive it has been for so many. I pray for the families of the sevicemen and women currently serving in harms way, especially the children. And I pray for my "Big Sister" Noreen, who is going back to Vietnam shortly. I pray for my godchildren, that they have the chance to grow up and know how wonderful their parents are.

And tonight, I'll say one prayer for myself...that I can sleep through the night and dream of the gifts Daddy left me, of life and not of death.

And one favor of all of you who read this, wear something red on Fridays in show of support of those serving and the families who wait at home. Trust me, those seemingly simple actions mean a great deal to those of whom we ask a great deal.

Peace be with you.

Greetings!....or why am I writing a blog?

So, why a blog. It is simple really. For those of you who know me, I am currently a full time graduate student at Antioch New England. In addition, I work part-time, sit on two non-profit boards, am a member of a third, plus have any number of faerygodchildren to keep tabs on. Basically, I'm horribly busy.

Last semester, I fell even more out of touch with my many fans, ie. my friends, assorted loved ones and my kiddos. During semester break, while reconnecting with people who suspected I was dead, kidnapped or had finally reall run off to a tropical island beach, I decided to create this blog so everyone can keep up with my comings and goings.

The other reason for this blog, I've been wanting to work on my writing forever, but never seem to make it a priority outside of what I do for work. So now I am, and I'm counting on you all to nag me when I'm not writing enough. See, two birds, one stone.

I'll als0 be posting links to some of the stuff I'm doing, so make sure to check them out.

Have to go feed Jet.

Everyone have a wonderful day!