Dandelions

I realized today it has been awhile since I've blogged. Some of it is that not much has changed. Despite being fairly busy, I really haven't gotten anywhere. Apparently, I'm working on patience...not one of my better virtues. So in the meantime, I'm doing what I can, around very nasty headaches and waiting for what comes next, whatever that is.

One bright spot, strangely out of place and time is the dandelion growing on our side lawn. I noticed it yesterday, Halloween, while I was walking one of the dogs. A single, bright yellow dandelion growing happily in late October. Odd, yes?

I'm choosing to take it as a positive sign. In the language of flowers, these happy, little "weeds" stand for happiness, love and faithfulness. Not a bad omen. Personally, dandelions have always been one of my favorite flowers. (Yes, further proof of how truly touched I am, I know.) They are bright and soft and can grow in the most difficult of circumstances. Is it really any wonder I loved them as a child? Plus, when they transformed to seed, they became my first magic wands. I learned to make a wish by blowing upon dandelion seeds long before I learned to make a wish with daisies.

So maybe instead of working on patience (cause really, we are talking about me here) I will focus on the enduring, gently toughness and faithfulness of the dandelion. I like that much more.

One down...

Tonight was the last night of foster parent training for the Spring session. In some ways, it was a very short 5 weeks and in others, it went on forever, or so it seemed. I am very pleased with this group. I think they are all going to be wonderful foster parents. I'm glad I had the chance to be part of their preparation for that. I'm also glad it in finished. It means I have a couple of nights now at home. I can cook a decent meal, do some homework and get to bed earlier than I have been. I'm tired. It's not the exhaustion that comes from fighting with my demons. It's just being on the run so much.

Things are still chaotic around me. My schedule is still crazy. I'm working on what I can control and not control in all of this...necessary in demon fighting. I'm also working on why I keep myself so busy. I've always assumed it was so I didn't have to face my depression and anxiety. That would be easy. In reality, those demons are actually angels in disguise...they are my warning system that things internally and externally are really out of whack. I wish I could say it was more the external stuff, but it's not, at least not at this stage in my life.

In general, I'm at a stage where I'm realizing I have alot of regrets...mainly things I haven't accomplished more that things I have done, though there are a few of those in the mix. Part of me knows some of them are still possible. Some I feel may be beyond me at this point. Of course the tricky part is figuring out what I can still do and be able to do it while also managing my life so it's not making me feel crazy.

This is where I'm getting fouled up right now. There are many things I would like to do and could do. Except, my self confidence has taken some serious hits the past couple of years with the depression and anxiety flair ups. I'm more afraid of those getting really bad again than anything else in my life. Each one has felt worse than the last and felt like it took longer to bounce back from. I know it is mainly my perception of the past couple of years, that I'm actually handling everything in a much healthier way than before. I just don't feel it...at least not yet.

In a round about way, what led me to thinking about this tonight was something Father McHugh (the priest at mass, not my stepdad) said this morning during the prayers. He asked God for the grace to surmount the suffering we experience when we act toward a higher good. I've been talking to some of my kids about something similar. We like to think doing the right thing, for ourselves or others, will be easy and pain free. I don't believe that is true. Quite the opposite, I believe that doing what we know is right in our hearts is often the most difficult and painful thing we can do. What makes the difference is the grace we receive when we follow our heart's true calling. That is when all the suffering has been worth it. It is bittersweet, but then so is life.

Thank goodness for angels

I haven't written in a few days. My schedule has been very full, as usual. In some ways it has been a blessing. I had class this weekend. It forced me to do some work. Most importantly, it got me outside both days. That combined with a concerted effort to get enough sleep and eat better, as well as a medication shift has greatly improved my mood.

A few other things have helped. I've had a few visitations from doves the past few days. Always a good sign. The other came via a little brown bird I know. In a chat we had during one of my not so hot days, she told me to pay attention to signs, especially at mass (I'm mainly Irish and Italian...what else would you expect?). Strangely enough I made it to mass this week, because my class schedule changed due to a shift in the weather report. And the message? Don't give up and stay on track. Simple and to the point.

Lucky for me, I have angels watching over me.