Sunday, March 30, 2008

Busy Sunday

It is almost time to go to bed...according to Jet at least. I'm not terribly tired. Over the past two days I've slept about 26 hours. I guess I was more tired than I realized. As a result, I missed the Gold Star Mother Memorial dedication this morning. I did make it to the lecture on Agent Orange. It was an amazing presentation. I'll go into another time for all my Vietnam Vet readers. I made some great contacts for work on my paper, plus I hooked up with another RT member going to the funeral tomorrow, so now I don't have to do four hours of driving. Plus, I found another route to RT meetings in Epping, which will save a little time.

I got home around 6:00 with groceries and a larger watercolor pad. I made dinner and vegged on the couch. The roomie wouldn't let me have tea. She's holding me to cutting back on caffeine. Why did I tell her again? I also got to watch Jet kiss the dog on the TV screen. Really. Like I've said, she's touched. The roomie has decided to help work Jet (since she is a working dog breed) that she's going to get her a dog back pack so she can carry her own stuff on walks. Of course, she'll act all sad and pathetic, sort of like she is right now (it's bedtime in her reality).

The other good news, Noreen is in Saigon and there have been no new cirsis with the kiddos (knock wood). I'm off to bed so I'm rested for tomorrow.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Headless duckies and other highlights from today

It snowed, just not quite how I wished. Not enough to cancel classes, darn it all. I think a certain snow faery had something to do with it. (Just you wait, I'm calling up mud as we speak). I made my way slowly and carefully to Keene, no 180's on Route 12 this time. I attended my first class. I think I remember some of it, too tired to really be sure. And then I turned just the wrong way and *pop* went my back. I tried to ignore it but moving rapidly became difficult and painful. Any other afternoon I would have toughed it out, but we had a quiz in the field scheduled....three hours hiking in snow and slush. I decided to not be tough. I emailed my professor and headed home to rest.

Just as I started my car, I received a text message from one of my kids...who did have a snow day from school...humph. She'd just found the guy she's crazy about with another girl. She needed talk to her "Mom" so I took the long way home to see her. Very important, when your back hurts, sitting in a drafty, cold Dunkin Donuts is not advisable, but I digress. We talked. It's hard to explain to someone who has just had her heart broken that sometimes teenage guys are jerks (Sorry to all my male friends out there) and you can still love someone even after they've hurt you, etc, etc. I got to the importance of taking care of yourself, healthy boundaries, all that stuff. She finally went home to rest with a promise to text me if she needed to talk. Last I knew, she was hurting but with friends who are taking care of her. Note to self, get my phone plan changed to unlimited texts.

I finally got home. Jet was sleeping in her crate. I took a hot bath and laid down to rest. I was up again by the time the Roomie got home. I had had a phone call about the mother of another friend being ill so the candle was lit and the prayers said. (So far, doesn't seem to be as bad as we thought, but keep your fingers crossed) While I was vegging on the couch, Jet brought me her headless duckie.

Periodically, we bring Jet stuffies to play with. The latest was a little mallard duck toy for Easter.(Yes, the dog got Easter presents too!) Like all the other stuffies, Jet decapitated the poor thing. We have just noted the headless trend. It has been suggested to us that she rips off the head first so they don't stare at her while she chews on them. See how clever she is? She is very attached to her headless toys so we have to wait until she's not looking to dispatch them properly.

Other than that, not much going on. I have a ton of homework, I need some serious sleep before the events this weekend and I'm awaiting word Noreen has made it safely to Vietnam.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mark this date on the calendar

It is supposed to snow tonight! In special deference to my buddy Dryad I'm happy to welcome the snow. Really... Aren't I a good friend?

Okay, I'm actually hoping for the snow so I don't have to go to class tomorrow. I'm tired and I haven't studied for my New England Flora test. There are no brain cells capable of retaining Latin. I want to stay curled up in bed with a mug of tea and read a book. So the more snow the better.

Bet you NEVER thought you'd hear ME say that.

I knew I forgot something...

Silly me, I forgot to put sleep down on the healthy lifestyle changes. Must have been the insomnia's doing. I only got about 2 hours of sleep last night. Normally not a problem except I'm working until 9:00pm tonight and then have to study for my New England Flora quiz. Whose brilliant idea was it again to make scientific names Latin? (Don't even start Sparrow....I'll give the kids pixie sticks and Mountain Dew, and a drum set, I mean it.) Ugh!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Another round

It is almost 11:00pm. I should be tucked away in bed fast asleep. Yeah, right. Instead, my latest round of insomnia has kicked in to join the anxiety attacks I've been having. Trying to change my approach though.

First off, I'm starting to wean myself off of coffee. Scary for those of you who know I generally have a Dunkin Donuts cup attached on an almost constant basis. I'm not crazy enough to quit cold turkey...no one should have to suffer through me when I do. So only one cup today. I switched to water, tea and herb tea (No I have not been taken over by an alien) I even cut the amount of sugar in my regular tea.

I'm currently researching diet changes I can make, as well as supplements that might help level things out emotionally and physically. So back to the healthy eating thing. (Though I refuse to give up chocolate...it is one of the few vices I indulge in) And now that it is warmer out and my feet are improving, I can start walking. I really want to go right back to running but I have to balance out the endorphin rush with being able to walk. So moderation (No really, I haven't been taken over by aliens)

Of course, my work schedule, including school and volunteer stuff is still nuts. I'm laying some groundwork which will make both the schedule and me more sane...I hope. But here's the real kicker. Prepare to be amazed...or frightened, whatever.

I've promised myself that for every stressful thing I do, even if it is a good thing, necessary at the moment, etc. I'm going to do something, even a little thing I enjoy and that let's me focus on the good stuff in life. So here I am writing in my blog. I just finished the second of two watercolors I'm working on for school. (Yes I'm painting Mona!) I've got seed planted and I'm researching composting and square foot gardening. I've got part of the design for my business cards sketched out. I've got lots of little stuff that makes me happy. Okay cleaning my desk isn't one of them...I figure I'll just plan a dinner party so I have to clean it to use the dining room table...otherwise known as my disaster area. The best part, is I can refocus on anyone of them when the anxiety attacks start or the insomnia hits. Thinking happy thoughts doesn't help much but doing things that make me happy seems to be a workable plan. And my brain goes happily along with it. Trixy aren't I?

PS. If anyone would like paintings, I'm happy to oblige. I'll try to post pictures once my digital camera is charged and running.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Rolling Thunder Events

This Sunday is going to be crazy. The dedication of the site for the Gold Star Mother memorial is in the morning. Then there is a related event at the Epping American Legion Hall for providing information about the impact of Agent Orange on Vietnam Vets. Crazy in and of itself. But there is one more event I have to attend after that.

Monday is the funeral services for the Army medic from New Hampshire. Rolling Thunder has requested as many members attend as possible to support the family as well as a request for any other Gold Star families to attend. Lucky me, I fall into both and I have a flexible work schedule. Normally I avoid funerals, especially military funerals like the plague. But I feel I am supposed to go to this one. I don't know why. Gotta love it when that happens.

At least I can go to mass on Saturday. And now I have to sign out...before Mackenzie loses my blog.

Monday, March 24, 2008

"Only the dead have seen the end of war"

I spent all weekend trying to avoid the news. All last week, the news was reporting the approaching 4000 dead mark for the war in Iraq. Discussions about what significance reaching that number will have on the war effort, the peace movement, etc. Today, the news reports spoke of the 4000 number having been reached. The war still continues as do the arguments both for and against it. The only ones who are beyond it are the dead.

It is the living who have not seen the end to it. Those who are still serving in harms way. Those whose families eagerly await emails from loved ones even as they dread the one message no one wants to receive. Those who received that message, whose hearts carry love and pain in equal measure to their loss. Those who were injured in Iraq, still trying to battle their way back to some type of normal life, those that never will. Those who stand by helpless to heal their loved ones, body mind or soul. Those who have served, returned home and yet are forever changed.

All these have been touched by war, many have stood in the shadow of death. None are the same. Not even the dead. They are merely freed from this war. So today, I pray for the dead, but even more, I pray for the living. May they find the grace and peace they need to heal from the scourge of war. May we find better paths to follow than war.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Sometimes I hate the world

It's late. I just got home from training foster parents. Of course, the video tape we were supposed to use went wonky....not my fault, it was never in my possession. So Jane and I improvised and used another of the videos. This one tells what it's like to be in foster care from the perspective of a young child who has been through many placements...something that isn't supposed to happen anymore, but sadly does. I try to prepare myself ahead of time when we're going to show it. It always gets to me...I can't help but remember all the families I worked with years ago. I wonder how those kids are doing now and pray they are safe and loved at the very least. I didn't really have time to prepare myself, but managed to get through it. And then the group discussed it, which lead to a conversation that broke my heart.

One of the children in care was just about to be adopted. This child has literally been through Hell. But something went wrong...again. So this little one will be moved again and we start over. I can't imagine suddenly saying I don't want a child that I had been caring for for months. I can't understand how anyone can do that. Of course, in my heart, I can't grasp why anyone would harm a child. I can understand what happens in some cases intellectually, but right now...I'm not in that place. Right now, I want to scream at the injustice of a world where this happens. My only solace is I know the people who will help this little one through it. They are all angels, I swear.

But right now, I hate the world where this is even an issue. So I will go to bed with a mug of tea and my book, and read, and cry, and pray. And tomorrow, I'll remind myself of what someone told me not long ago...that I wouldn't do what I do if it wasn't for the fact that I really did love the world.

Too Many Hours in the Day

It is about 4:45 pm. I've got about ten minutes to regroup, grab the appropriate work bag and head back out the door. I left this morning at 6:15 am and have been going since. I'd love nothing more than to settle in on the couch with a mug of tea, a good book and the puppy. But alas, I have to go provide training for foster parents until 9:00 tonight.

There are definitely too many hours in the day, at least today. Of course, by the time I get home tonight, I'll be thinking there are too few hours left in the day to get anything more done. Truly sick and twisted I know, but it is how my mind works. Oh well, no rest for the wicked...and all that. Sigh.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

St. Patrick's Day - The REAL Story

If you read yesterday's blog, you know that my roommate went to the Pub while I was slaving away at work. She even brought back a Guinness glass to add insult to injury. Imagine my surprise when I checked my blog comments this afternoon.

It turns out she was really mugged while leaving the gym after work. Some terrible leprechaun forced the glass of Guinness on her. Of course, she had to drink it. Then she dusted herself off and hurried home to let our poor puppy out. I believe her, don't you?

Of course, that doesn't explain where the bright green Guinness sticker on the fridge. Or why a leprechaun would pick a nice Scottish/English girl to give Guinness too. Especially when there is a nice Irish girl around. Maybe the leprechaun is planning on bringing some Guinness home Friday night, especially since I'm pretty sure that some fairy drank all the beer in the house. Seems only fair right?

Monday, March 17, 2008

St. Patrick's Day

It's Monday night. I just got home. Unlike a certain roommate who will remain anonymous (you know who you are) I wasn't at the Pub enjoying St. Patrick's Day like a good Irish (okay, part Irish) girl should. I was at work, training potential foster parents for the State of Vermont.
Seems unfair to me. Especially since I got up early to go to a special mass.

St Patrick is the patron of the church I've attended off and on since I was a baby. Take that and it being the start of Holy Week....what can you do? I had to go anyways to light a candle and say a couple of prayers for some friends in need and for a couple of my kids. It seems alot of people I know are having some sort of serious difficulty in their life right now. Some have faith to fall back on, some don't at the moment. I figure lending some of mine can't hurt.

One special interlude this morning before mass involved my Dad and some of the older church ladies. It seems they meet regularly before daily mass to say the rosary together. Each of them takes a section, leading the prayers and asking for special intentions, such as safety in travel for a son, healing for a parishioner with cancer, etc. All of the prayers were for others. And they do it almost everyday. Just a quiet testament to faith and good will toward others.

I do things a little differently. I don't pray the rosary, not because I don't have one. I do, my mom brought it back from Ireland for me. I haven't prayed the complete rosary since I was a child. I haven't retaught myself all the prayers again. (I can just see Sister Marcel shaking her head at me. I got that alot during catechism) So in addition to lighting candles at church, I light novenas at home. While the novena candles burn, I send out prayer requests via email. Some come from me asking for prayers for someone I love. Some come via me as requests from others. The way I see it, so long as the heart is true, where the prayer is said or how it is sent doesn't matter as much. And the more hearts engaged, the better for all involved. Of course this might be part of my past issues with the Catholic church. (Don't tell Father Rick, he'd be shocked). Must be the rebel Irish blood.

Prayer must work though, I saw the true official sign of spring. Two motorcycles out for a ride! Woohoo!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Jet

Jet has got to be one of the funniest (in both the ha ha and the just a little weird meanings of the word) dogs I've ever had. She is almost a year and a half years old. We've had her since August.
She came to us with very few manners and lots of issues. Now...well I'd say she's normal, but she's really not. I like to say she's a little more touched by God than other dogs.

For example, she insists on being with me in the kitchen while I cook. If the oven timer goes off and I don't get up right away...she'll run back and forth between the oven and me, wherever I happen to be. If it goes off twice, she is not above grabbing ahold of whatever is handy with her mouth. It might be a sweater, it might be a hand.

At this moment, she is pouting. She sleeps with my roommate in her room at night. Jet firmly believes her bedtime is 8:00pm. She will start pacing at 7:30 just so we'll notice her. At 8:00, she will sit and stare at Kristi in between pacing. This will continue until either a) Kristi takes her to bed or b) she proceeds to having a tantrum. Watching a dog beat up on her doggy pillow, her balls, etc. is pretty funny. Chasing the cats, not so much, the cats usually chase back. If that doesn't work, she pouts. She will lay down between my desk and Kristi's desks. And then, she sighs, quite loudly. From her prime vantage spot, she can do the whole sorrowful, woe is me eye roll at both of us. She's trying to guilt Kristi and trying to convince me to make Kristi go to bed. Guess that means I'm alpha?

Of course, during all of this, she could just lay down and sleep. Especially if I'm not sitting on "her" corner of the couch. But she won't. Sometimes she is just too smart for her own good. I don't know where she gets it from.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Random Bits

It's hard to believe I haven't posted in almost a week. There's not much going on. Let's see. I'm on break from school for two weeks. I picked up another class to teach...World History. I start teaching the bi-annual foster parent training next week, so lots to do to prep for that....come to think of it, I should probably get on that tomorrow. I've been doing my programs at the middle school and I just started doing a teen issues group at the Teen Center. It's great, I get paid to hang out with my kids!

What else? Hmmm.... Oh yeah, I've been doing firewood deliveries with Peter. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. Last Saturday, I had one of my godbabies for the day. We planted seeds. They are part of a surprise. I can't go into it here because it is a secret. If you want to know, you'll have to email me. (Except Sparrow, I can't even tell you then, sorry!) I also had a meeting about the Wall That Heals. Make sure to put July 3-6 in your calendars. That is when the Wall will be in Newport. I was supposed to talk about it at Rolling Thunder last week but I had to miss the meeting. Slight crisis with one of the kids...all is calm... I think.

Things were busier than I realized. This weekend I have to shop for a training, I have an all day workshop Saturday and I have to find something green in my wardrobe for Monday! Plus Friday night I'm helping out with a dinner at the Teen Center. Which reminds me, I have to make my hotel reservation for April vacation. A group of the kids have raised money to go to DC. I'm going down for a couple of days. I can't wait. I only wish I could spend the whole time with them. I have to be back for the art exhibit at school. I'll post more about that another time.

I think that is all the latest news. I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay...as of yesterday at least. I do have a couple of friends who are having some rough spots, please keep them in your prayers, whatever form they take. Jet is still a knucklehead. For those who have yet to meet her in person...you'll just have to take my word for it.

I'm off to bed. I have to be up to split wood in the morning. Woohoo! (I'm serious, I actually enjoy it....lots of fresh air)

Oh, before I forget, I not only saw my first robin of the spring...I saw a whole flock of them! Spring is here! Heehee!

Hugs to all!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

And just to complicate things...

As if I wasn't having a hard enough time deciding what to do, the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Fund announced a trip to Vietnam in August. I have been wanting to go to Vietnam for a long time, but something has always come up. And now, I have to decide if I want to go, and oh, that little question of how to pay for it (details, details).

It seems alot of this trip will be about Project Renew. This project focuses on finding and safely eliminating unexploded ordinance left from the war. It is hard to imagine people are still being wounded and dying, not to mention what it does to the environment.

I'm really interested in the project, both as a graduate student in environmental studies and the daughter of someone who lost his life to an explosive device. And my birthday is in August. Maybe this is the sign I've been looking for? Or I've just been reading too much Jung in preparation for my presentation tomorrow morning. And so, goodnight...I'm away to bed.

Betwixt and Between

I hate this time of year. The ground is still covered with snow and ice. It's still cold enough to need a coat. Yet the sun is warmer and there are definite signs of spring. I guess I'm just impatient. I want winter to be over and spring to be here fully. I'm feeling impatient alot these days.

I'm trying to decide what to do about a practicum. Or where to do one. Do I stay close to home or go away for a couple of months? What do I do about work in the meantime. Do I stay where I'm needed or do I run screaming for the hills. I have elements in my life I love and enjoy and at the same time, it feels like nothing in my life quite fits. I don't know where to go from here. Like the seasons, I'm betwixt and between.

I have faith this is serving some kind of purpose, but it doesn't make it any easier here in the present moment. It would be nice to get a hint of what it is...sort of like seeing the first crocus peeping out of the snow letting you know your faith in spring has paid off.

Oh well, off to class.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Ash's Birthday Wish

One of my girls turned 16 today! It's hard to believe. It was just yesterday she was an obnoxious 6th grader. I ran to the florist's to get her flowers. She has had a rough haul the past few years. Too much to even get into here. Let's just say, she is one of my special ones. Okay, all my kids are special in their own unique twisted ways. But there are only a few of them that call me Mom and mean it. Ash is one.

I gave her the flowers before she left school. Then I ran into at the Teen Center...she had called to make sure I was going to stop by to check on another of my kids who had been MIA. While I was hanging out with them (who needs to do homework...it's only 3 papers that are due), she told me what her birthday wish was. Her older brother is serving in Iraq. She wants him home. She knew it was just a wish, so we redid it, deciding instead to turn it into a prayer for his safe return. Her greatest fear, of course, is that her wish won't come true. It's one of mine too, but I didn't tell her that. I've been able to mentor her through alot of stuff...I pray to heaven I don't have to ever help any of my kids through that.

So tonight, I'll light a novena candle and Friday, I'll light another at mass. I'll add Brandon to my regular list of those I ask be watched over (Ash is already on it) and I'll pray for peace, so they can all come home safe to their loved ones.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Suffer for Sanity

There's a great line in the song "Vincent" about having to suffer for sanity. It's a beautiful song in general, if a bit sad. But that particular line strikes a chord for me. It speaks the experience of trying to maintain normalcy - read sanity- when your own mind and body are taking you places that are anything but normal, let alone sane.

That has been what the past couple of years have been like for me. I was diagnosed officially two years ago with depression as well as an anxiety disorder. It is likely I've had them most of my life. For a long time I was better at living with it. Mainly because I totally ignored its presence in my life. Once I started college and realized things really weren't normal, I switched right into denial and all sorts of coping mechanisms that were anything but healthy. Some of you have known me that long...you know how crazy I really was. By sheer stubbornness, incredible support from my friends and just plain divine intervention, I made it through those times. Fairly battered and scarred, but alive. That is when I really started to deal with some of the issues in my life.

As a result, there are alot of people who are no longer welcome in my life. It came down to I could be the "good girl" I was raised to be or I could have some measure of sanity in my life. Some of it came out of a realization that I create enough chaos in my life without having input from anyone else. The really funny part of all of this? The more I have dealt with things and started to decide what I really want in my life...the crazier I have felt. The depression is bad enough, but the panic attacks? They really suck. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak. I'm better than I was, but I hate being out of control, especially of my own mind and body. And that is what the attacks do to me. The really, really funny part...it means I'm actually saner than I've ever been.

In this day and age, we have medicines to help with both issues. And after a great deal of soul searching, as well as a couple of well placed swats with 2X4's from the Universe, I have used them. I've also gone into counseling, returned to the faith of my childhood,, as well as to my art. The fight has been going on for two years now. We'll say the war has been a draw up until now.

I've reached a point where I realize this war may never be over. There are battles with myself I will have to fight at various points. I've had to accept this is something I can't fix by sheer force of will. My sanity is hard won some days, and I do suffer, that's the price of not giving into it. It may continue to be the price as I work to come out of the cocoon I've hidden in for the past two years, waiting for this to be fixed and go away. And, I've found that speaking about my experiences has helped some other people going through the same things...people who felt too afraid to tell anyone. That is how I felt for a long time too. I feel now that keeping it a secret only gives it strength over my day to day life. It has had too much already. I refuse to let it have any more than I have to.

Now my prayers are focused on finding a way to live my life knowing this particular demon can reappear to breath down my neck at any time. If I have to suffer through it to keep my sanity, then I want to make sure I also have created a life for myself that makes the fight worthwhile. So while I start to do that, I repeat to myself a simple prayer of protection: "St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle..." After all, who is going to mess with an archangel?