Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Finally!


It is a gorgeous Indian Summer day today. I had already cleaned out my clothes drawers...mainly because having to look at clothes that didn't fit me was starting to make me a little cranky. Once I finished that, I decided to test out my still tender toe to see if it could handle a light jog. I've been going stir crazy since I cracked it a couple of weeks ago. I've been wanting to start running again. I haven't been able to do any running for almost two years as a result of plantar fascitis. Between that, likely the antidepressants I was on, and a stress induced bad diet, I've gained weight, which has been making the rest of me hurt. Now that I'm off medication, running...or something equally as physical is necessary on a daily basis to keep my brain stable. (Shut Up Rowan!)
It is just too nice out today to resist giving it a try. At worst, I figured it would hurt too much and I'd have to settle for a walk. I took Echo along; one for extra resistance, and two because he needs to burn off the extra frenetic energy, just like me. (He is currently snoring in his kennel...he's a wuss). The jaunt was only 20 minutes, but I managed 3 good runs on different surfaces. My toe did fine. It is a little sensitive, so I'll tape it up next time for more stability. The rest of my body is kinda like "What the hell...". My brain is very happy...it doesn't take much for me to get the runner's high going.
So now, I can start running on a regular basis. I'm going to start making a better effort to eat healthier, you know actual real food. I've added water back into daily consumption (separate from my coffee intake) and I'm eating yogurt and walnuts and such again. I've made a deal with myself that if I do some kind of serious exercise at least 5 times a week, I can have a really sinful mocha from Panera's on the weekend. In the meantime, no more mochas at home...caffeine intake has to start coming back down. (No, I won't give it up entirely yet). Hopefully all this will one, keep my brain stable and two, let me get back into shape.
In the meantime, woooohooo, I could run today!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Grabbing a Coyote by the tail...

A littel bit of chaos is a good thing. Really it is.... Okay, so I tend to like chaos more than your average person. Well maybe like is to strong a word. Let's just say I'm really good manuevering amidst chaos. There have been many a day I've wished I was organized and disciplined...usually when I'm pulling an all-nighter in order to finish a paper on time. But, that's just not me. Sigh.
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I have learned a neat trick about chaos though. It is absolutely necessary to create any kind of order. Yep, that's me, your Paradox Girl. But its true! For example, my room/office has been a disaster for months. From the time grad school ended through to recently, everything has been a mess. As I've mentioned, my life of late has been a bit of a train wreck...or at least felt like it. (But that is a blog for another time) I finally decided to get it in order so things would be a little easier for me to manage (Frightening I know). But to do so, I had to take the chaos that existed, blow it up and then create something out of it.

The result...a nice, tidy, somewhat (okay, it is ME we are talking about here) organized bedroom/office/studio. You can even see the floors! There is of course still more chaos to tame. I have files from grad school to go through...deciding what to keep, what to recycle. Not to mention my clothes to sort through or my books to get in order. But all in all, things are much calmer in my space. With any luck, the calm will translate to me being able to sleep better at night (or at all).

So the grand cosmic lesson in all this...a little chaos can be a good thing. You have to have the courage to face it though. If you don't, it runs amok with fears, doubts and their ilk, creating all sorts of messes. So much better to grab the Coyote by the tail and create something better of your own design.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Making Wishes


I laughed when I found this picture online. I've always said training to be a faerygodmother begins early, especially when you have as many godchildren as I do...I'm not even sure how many I have. All I know is the number keeps growing and now also includes kittens and a very adorable Aussie puppy. (Don't laugh, they are easier than teenagers).
Despite various challenges, all my kiddos have good hearts...even though I'm still waiting for a couple to start using their brains...but I have faith it will come in time.
The other day it occurred to me I've been doing more time with the Cinderella routine (I was literally cleaning ashes out of the house hearth) than I have been being a Faerygodmother (this weekend excluded of course). So I thought to myself, as I was doing dishes and scrubbing floors, does this mean I get to have a faerygodmother of my own? Probably not, though if I do, she is out in Oregon so that doesn't really work. So, what does this mean?

Well, I guess it means I have to grant my own wishes. I think I've always known that. After all, my favorite childhood rhyme was Star light, Star bright...Of course to grant my own wishes, I have to figure out what I wish for upon the first evening star. So tonight, that is what I'm mulling over...what are the truest wishes in my heart? And then the catch, to remember to wish for the courage to go after them.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Troubled Heart and Mind

I've been trying to get back into the normal swing of things...housework, cutting firewood, baking, job searching, etc. On the surface, I'm doing okay. I do miss Dad and I do have my moments. But mostly I'm okay. I just look at the prayer card from his service. Under his picture it says, "I'm fine, gone home, love and God bless" All things Dad said to us all, especially in the last few days. It makes me smile because I know it's true and that he's happy.

I knew with his passing it was likely things with some people in my family would deteriorate. Most of you know enough to know my relationship with my mother is shaky at the best of times, as is the relationships with my half-siblings. I have learned to distance myself from as much of the drama as possible for my own sanity. (Yes, I mean that quite literally, just ask anyone who has known me more than ten years). It is ironic that I had a better relationship with Dad, despite a very rocky beginning. For his sake, I've made an effort with the rest of the family. I figured at least I could keep the peace, even when it meant keeping my mouth shut (okay, I would vent to friends after). I continued to do so to a point the past few months (okay, so I'm not always great at keeping my mouth shut). But whatever decisions people felt they had to make, I went along with it.

Despite my best efforts, things are going south quicker than I thought they would. Some of it is typical to long established family patterns. I've gotten few metaphorical kicks to the gut, but with the support of some friends, I got through it. But the last one is one I'm not sure I can get past. I was somewhat dreading the actual committal service at the cemetery. I have a love/hate thing going on with the military rites. It is an important honor to bestow and at the same time, it is a reminder of Daddy. Bittersweet at best. I had prepared myself for it and for dealing with some people who I'd rather not deal with. I arrived early at St. Pat's so I could take flowers to Daddy's grave before the ceremony. Imagine my surprise to see the American Legion members leaving.

It seems the ceremony was moved up an hour. No one, namely my mother, called to tell me. No one it seems noticed I wasn't there or called to see if I was coming. I missed the whole thing. Needless to say I was not happy. I left the pink rose for Dad, the red rose for Daddy, said hello and goodbye to family I do like and left. Quickly, because I knew I was on the verge of throwing a fit that would make my sister's (Liz, not Theresa) look mild. (And that is saying something) Kristi got the brunt of the reaction I couldn't control when I got home. At that point, I was mainly hurt. I buried the anger fast so I could process it under a controlled situation.

I wish I could believe my mother didn't do it intentionally. But after a few of the other slights over that week and a half, not to mention over my lifetime, I cannot seem to convince myself of it. I've been through this type of thing before with her. I haven't decided whether or not to call her on it. One, I'm still furious and I have a vile temper. I do not like to lose control of it because I know what I can be like. Two, I've been down this road before...my mother doesn't take responsibility for her actions when these things happen.

I don't know I have the energy, let alone the desire to go through this again. The funny thing is, if anyone understood how much energy having a relationship with my mother took, it was Dad. So for now, I will sit with it some more. Maybe something will come to me. Because honestly, at the moment, I'd like nothing better to walk away for good.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

In Loving Memory


In Loving Memory of my dad, William L. McHugh
July 24, 1931-September 23, 2009
God's might to direct me
God's power to protect me
God's wisdom for learning
God's eye for discerning
God's ear for my hearing
God's word for my clearing
God's hand for my cover
God's path to pass over
God's buckler to guide me
God's army to ward me.
- From the Breastplate of St. Patrick

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Really? Was this necessary?

So it appears the best laid plans can go right out the window in mere seconds. Apparently my coyote totem has come to play. My plan to start running again after Saturday no matter what my feet said has run into a rather painful snag... Not the fascitis, no that would have been expected. No, it had to be something way more creative than that.

I'm pretty sure I broke one of my toes this morning. Of course, clever me didn't really notice it until this evening. (No, I am not going to the hospital...unemployed and no insurance. I do not need a 4 hour wait, an x-ray and a doctor telling me there is nothing I can do but ice and ibuprofen) OK, yes I knew I had cracked it on something in the basement. (Yes I was barefoot at the time, no I'm not going to start wearing shoes around in the house, that would just be silly) However, I went about my business. I'm guessing it didn't hurt much because my cowboy boots were keeping the swelling down. At least until I had to take them off to change for work.Now my toe is swollen and a lovely shade of purple...sort of like my finger was last spring when I broke it. Needless to say, it hurts like hell too!

But I mean really? Was this really necessary? With all the other hits I've taken lately, with a fair amount of grace and patience, (OK it is subjective, like my state of sanity) it is not fair. Yeah, yeah, life's not fair. But, really? Come on, what does a girl have to do to catch a break around here? Sigh! I suppose it could have been worse...it could have been another flat tire.

Slow Return to Sanity


Don't get too excited, I haven't done any baking today. (Though I did start cutting up wood, does that count?) I am working from the laptop in the kitchen. Some of it is I'll doze off if I work from my bed...or worse, actually start to organize the chaos in there. (Ugh, the horror of it) Some of it is Jet is loose in the house, but must be monitored against her latest trick, which is stealing the cat food off the table (yes, this is a new trick after living here for two years. She is just that special).
I'm just killing time here. I have to be at Towle School to cover for an hour or so at the afterschool program. Then I have to teach tonight, my first night back since Dad died. It's hard to believe it has been a week already. Now I just have to get through Saturday morning.
Of course, I realized this morning while talking with Betsy, it's not the ceremony itself I'm dreading. I'm dreading being around particular family members. Just the ones who normally have the ability to drive me right over the edge with their behaviors. It is worse now that Dad is no longer there as the buffer. But it is only a short event. I will be there with others of my family I actually do like, and then Dad will receive the honors he earned as a veteran. That's what matters. For that, I can control my temper for a bit longer.
In the meantime, I'm laying groundwork for upcoming trainings and starting up the job search again. (See, only hiding under the rock when my relatives are around) Ugh. I've promised myself to get back to eating better after Saturday, including cutting back on my coffee intake. I'm also going to start running again, my feet will just have to deal, if for no other reason than running is one of the things that helps me stay sane. (Yes, I know, but remember it is my version of sane...it's way better than my level of insanity.)