Gray day....

We're finally getting some much needed rain here in NH. As a result, it has been a gray and damp day. Some people have said it was even chilly. It couldn't have been...I was sweating all morning (not hot flashes, thank you very much Candy!). Instead I was getting some work around the house done. Not as much as I had hoped...but still, some.

The weather, though much appreciated, has made me crave some of my autumnal comforts...candle light and apples & cinnamon. Both of which I indulged in today. Every little bit to keep my mood from slipping any more than it already has lately. And on the bright side, once the Back to School stuff goes away...Halloween stuff will be out. That is sure to bring a smile or two, I hope. And with the cooler weather, the damn tourists will soon be gone from my ocean. In the meantime, I'll just keep trudging along.

Who knocked the Universe off balance?

Despite no new duck related signs, I figured I would continue with the motif. Especially since this duckling looks the way I've felt the last few days. Everything, including me, is just plain off balance. For every one step forward, there has been something pushing me two steps back (And yes, I know, Mercury is retrograde....again). I know alot of y'all are having the same issues. I'm guessing someone knocked the Universe off balance.

In general, it is all very disheartening. At the worse moments, there really are not words to describe how I feel. I made myself get up today. I even got some things done, despite a complete lack of ambition. Yet, I'm still listless. I wish now I had gone out for the evening, if for no other reason than to have a temporary distraction. I didn't though, so now I'm typing away at this blog.

I always hope that blogging will give me some insight (at best) or give me a stress outlet (at least). Sometimes is provides neither. In those cases, I just keep repeating "This too shall pass" (Thank you Betsy). Eventually the Universe will right itself...or I'll get my balance back. Maybe both...now wouldn't that be something?

*Author's Note:

Proof of the effect Mercury has on me and mine....my spellcheck for this picked up alot as being incorrect and ignored y'all. It's either the planet or my Southern ancestors have possessed the computer. Not sure which worries me more.

Slow Return to Sanity

Don't get too excited, I haven't done any baking today. (Though I did start cutting up wood, does that count?) I am working from the laptop in the kitchen. Some of it is I'll doze off if I work from my bed...or worse, actually start to organize the chaos in there. (Ugh, the horror of it) Some of it is Jet is loose in the house, but must be monitored against her latest trick, which is stealing the cat food off the table (yes, this is a new trick after living here for two years. She is just that special).

I'm just killing time here. I have to be at Towle School to cover for an hour or so at the afterschool program. Then I have to teach tonight, my first night back since Dad died. It's hard to believe it has been a week already. Now I just have to get through Saturday morning.

Of course, I realized this morning while talking with Betsy, it's not the ceremony itself I'm dreading. I'm dreading being around particular family members. Just the ones who normally have the ability to drive me right over the edge with their behaviors. It is worse now that Dad is no longer there as the buffer. But it is only a short event. I will be there with others of my family I actually do like, and then Dad will receive the honors he earned as a veteran. That's what matters. For that, I can control my temper for a bit longer.

In the meantime, I'm laying groundwork for upcoming trainings and starting up the job search again. (See, only hiding under the rock when my relatives are around) Ugh. I've promised myself to get back to eating better after Saturday, including cutting back on my coffee intake. I'm also going to start running again, my feet will just have to deal, if for no other reason than running is one of the things that helps me stay sane. (Yes, I know, but remember it is my version of sane...it's way better than my level of insanity.)

And again...

Another sleepless night seems to be upon me. Figured this time I would try to do something constructive in hopes of getting tired enough to get at least a couple hours of sleep later on. So rather than stay in bed and read myself into a stupor, I decided to get up and do my kitchen brownie routine.

The counters are clean, the sink is clear of dishes, the dishwasher is happily running and I have the dough for cinnamon bread rising on the counter. I contemplated making some pumpkin muffins but decided against it. I'm not sure I have enough brain focus left to make them. Maybe tomorrow.

Now I am tapping away on my keyboard. Note to self, remember to wipe the flour off before staring to type...and if you are wearing a black USMC shirt, don't wipe your hands off on it. Ooops! Can you tell I'm tired? I really would like to sleep. For once, my insomnia isn't caused by being over-caffeinated. As Rowan pointed out when I started baking at 10pm, I just won't let myself sleep right now. She's correct...I just can't. Of course she also pointed out that I cannot spend all day at the hospital. It's just too much. And I have to reluctantly agree.

The best and worst part of today was being alone with Dad in his room. He is lucid...it's just the light he's seeing isn't entirely from this world. He moves between praying to talking about who he's going to see on the other side. We did have a chance to talk, so there is nothing left unsaid. That made it all the more bittersweet. I seriously thought I was going to meltdown for good. Luckily for me I have wonderful people in my life to distract me, make me laugh and feed me (and I didn't even argue about eating either meal).

The wait is the hardest right now. And I've realized that though I'm the one with experience in losing a father, I'm now facing that loss for a second time. And at the moment, I don't have anyone to talk to who is a night owl like me but me. No wonder I can't sleep.

On the bright side? If anyone wants some kickass homemade whole wheat cinnamon bread, let me know. I've got plenty.

And the craziness just keeps coming...

I decided to take a couple of minutes to blog over lunch. I figured if I didn't post something soon, I would start getting the emails asking if I was still breathing. So for all my friends...still breathing, life is still crazy, but the sun is shining and I'm feeling pretty good about life in general. Could just be the change in treatment, but hey, whatever it takes!

I'm trying to get all my stuff together and complete. The semester ends in a couple of weeks. ACK! Plus, I'm teaching programs, classes, etc. Next week is school vacation. Normally I'd use the week to get all my work done. We all know how well I do normal. So instead, I will be helping with the clean up at a Veteran's cemetery on Saturday, going to study my Flora community site, then packing. I leave for DC at 4:00 am on Sunday. The kids from the NET are going, so I'm going down too for a couple days to be with them.

The plan is to fly home Tuesday afternoon, drive home and start in on whatever projects are due for school that week. Hopefully, by the time I get back the books I'm waiting for will have arrived. That's what I'm praying for, so I don't have to ask for an extension.

In the meantime, I'm off to play with RT and then my kids. I may drop off the radar completely, but don't worry, I'm still breathing and I'm planning on actually RELAXING for a couple of days. (And no I have not been possessed or taken over by aliens) I'll update on the rest of my life next week.

Busy weekend

It has been a busy weekend. Not because I was doing homework. That would just be silly. Instead, I took the weekend off, sort of. I drove to Chelsea for the CPR/First Aid training through Rolling Thunder. The training was good, as was the company. It's always fun to hang out with people with the same warped sense of humor that I have. Scary as that thought is.

Driving is Massachusetts, not so much fun. I ended up getting turned around trying to get out of Chelsea. I finally drove into Boston to Logan and home from there. I stopped in Concord to pick up supplies for my final art project (does that count as homework?). I made into Newport just in time for 4pm mass. Made a couple of family visits along the way home. Once home, I vegged in front of the TV, emailed some and went to bed early. Mainly because I had to get up early. We had to walk Jet before going to Keene to do a 5K.

The roomie and I both did the race in under 40 minutes. Not to bad since I'm completely out of shape. I'm really working on eating better. After the race, we did some shopping, came home, and did pretty much nothing the rest of the day. I actually feel relaxed. At least that is what I think this feeling is...it could be a imbalance from the fresh air, sunlight and exercise.

I'm just thankful to be feeling better. My mood is leveling off and I'm focusing on here and now as much as I can to reduce my stress. And I actually have been having some fun while doing something constructive. This could be the start of a new trend.

One down...

Tonight was the last night of foster parent training for the Spring session. In some ways, it was a very short 5 weeks and in others, it went on forever, or so it seemed. I am very pleased with this group. I think they are all going to be wonderful foster parents. I'm glad I had the chance to be part of their preparation for that. I'm also glad it in finished. It means I have a couple of nights now at home. I can cook a decent meal, do some homework and get to bed earlier than I have been. I'm tired. It's not the exhaustion that comes from fighting with my demons. It's just being on the run so much.

Things are still chaotic around me. My schedule is still crazy. I'm working on what I can control and not control in all of this...necessary in demon fighting. I'm also working on why I keep myself so busy. I've always assumed it was so I didn't have to face my depression and anxiety. That would be easy. In reality, those demons are actually angels in disguise...they are my warning system that things internally and externally are really out of whack. I wish I could say it was more the external stuff, but it's not, at least not at this stage in my life.

In general, I'm at a stage where I'm realizing I have alot of regrets...mainly things I haven't accomplished more that things I have done, though there are a few of those in the mix. Part of me knows some of them are still possible. Some I feel may be beyond me at this point. Of course the tricky part is figuring out what I can still do and be able to do it while also managing my life so it's not making me feel crazy.

This is where I'm getting fouled up right now. There are many things I would like to do and could do. Except, my self confidence has taken some serious hits the past couple of years with the depression and anxiety flair ups. I'm more afraid of those getting really bad again than anything else in my life. Each one has felt worse than the last and felt like it took longer to bounce back from. I know it is mainly my perception of the past couple of years, that I'm actually handling everything in a much healthier way than before. I just don't feel it...at least not yet.

In a round about way, what led me to thinking about this tonight was something Father McHugh (the priest at mass, not my stepdad) said this morning during the prayers. He asked God for the grace to surmount the suffering we experience when we act toward a higher good. I've been talking to some of my kids about something similar. We like to think doing the right thing, for ourselves or others, will be easy and pain free. I don't believe that is true. Quite the opposite, I believe that doing what we know is right in our hearts is often the most difficult and painful thing we can do. What makes the difference is the grace we receive when we follow our heart's true calling. That is when all the suffering has been worth it. It is bittersweet, but then so is life.

Joys of Grad School

It has been a crazy day. Got lots done this morning. Then I was off to get a massage...my body feels much better now. Then I flew (I'm pretty sure the car left the ground at least once) to the Teen Center with kiddos having meltdowns all over the place and then I rushed to Vermont to train foster parents on the joys of? Adolescents! I didn't see home again until 9:30 pm. I should be exhausted...wait, I am exhausted. So why am I up at this insane hour, especially since I have an 8:00am meeting. Because I'm crazy? Well, I am slightly more touched by the Divine than some, I'm trying to learn to just go with it. But that isn't the reason I am still awake at this hour. Oh no, it's far more twisted than that, it's all because of grad school.

Some people might think I was up this late doing homework since it is almost the end of the semester. Those of you who know me well know how funny that thought really is. No, I'm waiting until 12:01 am on April 15th to register for my summer courses. Normally I would just do it tomorrow morning.However, there are two classes that everyone I know is trying to get into, so I have to register as early as possible. Sadly, that is 12:01 in the morning. Who says folks in the registration office don't have a warped sense of humor obviously does not attend Antioch.

As a result, I'm typing away here. I've already packed my bag for my morning meeting and gathered together my materials for my Tuesday night class. (Be very afraid people) I have also put away all the clean dishes, emptied the dirty ones into the dishwasher, switched over my laundry and started another load. Times like this I scare myself. One of these days I might actually begin to think I'm an organized, responsible adult. Ackkkk! The horror of it.

The Blahs

I'm not even sure what to write. I'm here tonight mainly because I can't sleep. Not because of too much caffeine. I wish it was that. I haven't even finished the cup of team I made when I got home from work. My brain just won't slow down.

Instead it's a combination of feeling overwhelmed and numb, at the same time, if that makes any sense. I had hoped the sun and the warm weather would help to lift my mood some, get it out of the root cellar it seems to be hiding in. But no such luck. If anything, I feel worse because I can't really seem to enjoy it. I can cope so long as I'm doing something...something other than homework that is, which is adding to my anxiety and so on and so forth. Put it all together and I'm a mess...one with inhibited executive functioning.

The really crazy part...things should be fine, going according to plan. Except they aren't. Makes me wonder if I'm on the wrong plan...or the wrong timetable or something. All I know is I have to make some significant changes before this gets anymore out of control. I'm just not sure I trust myself to figure out what is the best thing for me right now. Following through on what is best for me...whole other issue.

Right now, some clear guidance and a little help would make a world of difference. Guess I'll have to wait for my guardian angel to get back from coffee break.

Brain in Rebellion

I haven't written here for a few days. Some of the reason is I've been incredibly busy. The other reason...my brain has decided to raise its own little rebellion. Basically, my anxiety attacks are coming daily and the depression is back. I've tried to explain to the brain that this is not a convenient time to do this. I have professional responsibilities plus it is almost the end of the semester. My brains response? Another anxiety attack and not being able to spell simple words...like "the". Cute, huh?

I'm being very responsible and taking the necessary medications. My other tricks to help...not really working. It might have something with my language center being out to lunch at the moment. Simple conversations are challenging...I can't track them very well and words keep escaping me. I know what I want to say...the words just run away before I can speak. Not a good thing when I have presentations to give and papers to write.

So I'm falling back on some other tricks. I went to church, late mass, but I still made it. I did some painting this evening. I ate one healthy meal today and I decided to not do two of the things I wanted to do today. I hated it, but I know I've already pushed myself about as far as I can. I did discover something interesting about my language issues though. Apparently it doesn't apply to prayer. I spent part of a recent car ride trying to stay, okay not calm, I was way beyond that, but at least level enough to get where I needed to get. I recited the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Prayer to St. Micheal over and over again. Apparently they are in the subconscious deep enough that the anxiety can't touch them. Lucky for me, because God knows I wasn't capable of coming up with any of my own prayers at that point.

Of course, I should be in bed at this hour since sleep is one of those key elements to sanity. It would help if I was tired, but I'm not. So I will read in bed until either my alarm goes off or I fall asleep. And I'll say a prayer that this passes quickly. Here's hope, I only spelled one word wrong while writing this...okay I spelled alot of them wrong, I only missed fixing one on my own.

Busy Sunday

It is almost time to go to bed...according to Jet at least. I'm not terribly tired. Over the past two days I've slept about 26 hours. I guess I was more tired than I realized. As a result, I missed the Gold Star Mother Memorial dedication this morning. I did make it to the lecture on Agent Orange. It was an amazing presentation. I'll go into another time for all my Vietnam Vet readers. I made some great contacts for work on my paper, plus I hooked up with another RT member going to the funeral tomorrow, so now I don't have to do four hours of driving. Plus, I found another route to RT meetings in Epping, which will save a little time.

I got home around 6:00 with groceries and a larger watercolor pad. I made dinner and vegged on the couch. The roomie wouldn't let me have tea. She's holding me to cutting back on caffeine. Why did I tell her again? I also got to watch Jet kiss the dog on the TV screen. Really. Like I've said, she's touched. The roomie has decided to help work Jet (since she is a working dog breed) that she's going to get her a dog back pack so she can carry her own stuff on walks. Of course, she'll act all sad and pathetic, sort of like she is right now (it's bedtime in her reality).

The other good news, Noreen is in Saigon and there have been no new cirsis with the kiddos (knock wood). I'm off to bed so I'm rested for tomorrow.

Random Bits

It's hard to believe I haven't posted in almost a week. There's not much going on. Let's see. I'm on break from school for two weeks. I picked up another class to teach...World History. I start teaching the bi-annual foster parent training next week, so lots to do to prep for that....come to think of it, I should probably get on that tomorrow. I've been doing my programs at the middle school and I just started doing a teen issues group at the Teen Center. It's great, I get paid to hang out with my kids!

What else? Hmmm.... Oh yeah, I've been doing firewood deliveries with Peter. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. Last Saturday, I had one of my godbabies for the day. We planted seeds. They are part of a surprise. I can't go into it here because it is a secret. If you want to know, you'll have to email me. (Except Sparrow, I can't even tell you then, sorry!) I also had a meeting about the Wall That Heals. Make sure to put July 3-6 in your calendars. That is when the Wall will be in Newport. I was supposed to talk about it at Rolling Thunder last week but I had to miss the meeting. Slight crisis with one of the kids...all is calm... I think.

Things were busier than I realized. This weekend I have to shop for a training, I have an all day workshop Saturday and I have to find something green in my wardrobe for Monday! Plus Friday night I'm helping out with a dinner at the Teen Center. Which reminds me, I have to make my hotel reservation for April vacation. A group of the kids have raised money to go to DC. I'm going down for a couple of days. I can't wait. I only wish I could spend the whole time with them. I have to be back for the art exhibit at school. I'll post more about that another time.

I think that is all the latest news. I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay...as of yesterday at least. I do have a couple of friends who are having some rough spots, please keep them in your prayers, whatever form they take. Jet is still a knucklehead. For those who have yet to meet her in person...you'll just have to take my word for it.

I'm off to bed. I have to be up to split wood in the morning. Woohoo! (I'm serious, I actually enjoy it....lots of fresh air)

Oh, before I forget, I not only saw my first robin of the spring...I saw a whole flock of them! Spring is here! Heehee!

Hugs to all!