Late Night, Lent and Other Random Thoughts

It is past 11:00 pm. I just finished, mostly, writing a paper on environmental art for class tomorrow. It had to be at least 1500 words. I finally gave up at around 1300. I can bullshit with the best of them, but I refuse to keep repeating myself for the sake of an arbitrary limit. It may come back to bite me, but oh well. Maybe some last minute inspiration will hit me. Maybe. Or maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow and I can take another crack at it. I can hope.

I spent my early morning at St. Pat's with Da. Ash Wednesday, had to get the ashes. At least this year I remembered not to wear a white shirt. The standard question from everyone has been what am I giving up for Lent. The past two years, it has been coffee. Kristi vetoed that one this year. Only fair since she has to live with me in the morning...not a pretty picture if I don't have coffee. Even more so now since I'm up late doing homework every night. She had another option, which I won't mention here. I told her it would be cheating to give up something I don't have in my life right now. There is always doing what I did in my rebellious teenage years. I'd give up being Catholic for Lent. One year I was sure it had stuck for good, that short of other people's ceremonies, I wouldn't ever step foot in church again. And it did stick...at least until four years ago when I woke up on Ash Wednesday with the overriding urge to go to Mass. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

So what have I given up for Lent. When Krisit asked me again tonight...after reminding I couldn't have the spaghetti because there was meat in it...I swear she was Catholic in another life...I stated I still had until midnight. Which is true...38 minutes and counting. But something Father Rick said this morning resonated with something I had been mulling over last night. I hadn't been able to settle on any one thing. Add that anxiety to being overtired from my normal February bout of insomnia and all that goes with it and I was in melt down mode. The funny thing about my meltdowns is they often help me clarify things in my head. (Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy to see them go away for ever) Darn tangents, scat... So, meltdown, clarification thanks to the meltdown and a reading from Beauty by John Donaghue (Great book)
and confirmation (oh look, a pun) from Father Rick, I've decided to give up being close hearted.

I've realized, espeicially after this past summer, that when I go into one of my dark spells, I shut down emotionally and pull back from everyone I love. I know where it comes from and why I do it. Not so quick on catching when I'm doing it right off...but hence why I'm focusing on it for Lent and why Sparrow has permission to thump me one when I start doing it. (Note: I said Sparrow, no one else...though someone else has been known to get away with it, but I don't think she can reach from Oregon :)) Of course, along with it is being willing to be vulnerable and have faith. Okay, one I can muster, the other I will be the first to admit I suck at. But why work on something I can already do well? No challenge in that.

Apparently I'm looking for challenges this year. Today was officially my last day working at the vet office. With any luck, by mid-March, my feet will be okay enough to start running again. Keep your fingers crossed, especially since running is crucial to my mental stability (such as it is). I could ramble on, but I should try to get some sleep and I think I've timed it so I don't have to worry about having any of dreams I'd rather not have.