Slower pace?

I've been very bad....haven't written in a bit. Some of it is waiting for my brain to level out. Most of it is I'm either working or sleeping. One of the side effects of my treatment is than I don't have my usual chaos energy level driving me to get lots done. Not that I have less to do, mind you....I just don't have the nervous energy I used to use to get stuff done. Plus, it seems my body has decided it needs to rest up from all the times I was burning the candle at both ends. So if I'm not working, I'm either asleep or in zombie mode.

This is requiring some serious readjustment. And no, I don't like it. And yes, I'm working on it anyways because it is what is good for me in the long run. Right now, I'm white knuckling it. Work stuff, a baby shower, a first birthday and a funeral are all on the agenda for the next couple of days. If I can make it through until Sunday evening, I'll have some breathing room. And I'm planning on holding on to it. We'll just have to see how it goes trying to come at life from a slower pace. Maybe if I look at it as an adventure?

Enough Already

I just returned from the doctor. Because of ongoing issues, I'm back on both the anxiety medication and antidepressants. Really not happy about it. I refuse to have to do this long term. This means I have really got to get my act together. And I'm guessing there are going to be some unhappy people as a result. Oh well. I've had enough of this particular roller coaster.

Random bits, snips & pieces

Just in case any of you were worried I'd stopped writing again, have no fear! I had a bit of a dry spell due to my insane schedule. Thanks to a quiet house and a early morning run, I'm back to my scribbling.

The current update is I have too many part time jobs. As a result, things will be crazy for the next six weeks or so. I'm still on the hunt for the elusive full time job (with bennies, thank you very much). It however is a sneaky creature. Every time I thought I had it, it poofed! So I persevere and am holding firm on not going after something full time that even remotely resembles social work.

The numerous jobs are a financial necessity at the moment. I'm taking it as an opportunity to really work on keeping things in balance. So I'm making an effort to eat decent food, exercise and continue to do creative work. We'll see how it goes. However, if you see that Elusive Job Beast, please let me know.

As for today's blog pic...it is a sweet plaque I think the roomie and I should have for the house. Seems only fair to warn people before they come in, right?

Post spellcheck/pre-post note: I don't know if I can trust a spellcheck system that doesn't accept "poofed". It just seems wrong somehow.

Our Very Own Cowardly Lion

My roomie has a twisted love for the Wizard of Oz. I don't understand it...I run away screaming any time the movie is playing. I have also banished the Wizard of Oz calendar from the kitchen for all time (a double edged sword kind of victory...it's gone and instead I have to put up with the True Blood calendar...sigh). Yet, it still seeps into little corners of my life. For instance, we have our very own Cowardly Lion...or in our case, a Cowardly K9 (Please note, he is not MY dog).

I've written about Echo before. Generally when I talk about him it goes something along the lines of "It is a good thing he's cute...because he is dumb as a stump". Sadly, he is also the biggest wuss I have ever seen in the dog world. His latest stunt occurred this weekend. He normally does not like the vacuum cleaner. It is his norm to run away from it, occasionally turning around to face it while barking (as if to show how truly brave he is). I can understand that. Of course the fact that he now runs away then jumps in the bathtub to hide from it. That does seem a little extreme. But wait, even better...apparently he is also afraid of the ladder I'm using while working on the ceilings upstairs.

Echo's latest run in with the monstrous ladder involved running, barking and hiding in the tub (as seen in the photo)...all while also getting under my feet as I moved it to another room. Some day, I will have a normal dog. Until then, it is a good thing he is cute.

This and That

Life is a bit hectic at the moment. I'm trying to get into the swing of teaching a college class. Plus get ready for subbing at the afterschool program and balance in all my other stuff too.

This kind of crazy pace is fairly normal for me. The issue now is I really don't like running around like this anymore. It exhausts me, leaves me precious little time for the things I'd like to spend time on, and does little to help keep my mood stable. So a change is in order. I haven't worked out all the details of it yet... I do know I'm trying to be more mindful about my eating. And I plan to start running...again...once this heat breaks. But more importantly, I'm looking to make some other changes. My goal this year is to work towards more stability in my life.

Scary, I know. I usually run from stability as fast as possible. And it might not be the word I am really looking for. All I know is when I sat on the beach last Saturday, I watched the gulls floating on the waves, moving with them, but still being calm and centered. That is what I want for myself. Just have to figure out how to do it...and not freak out about it.

Unavailable for the next 24 hours....

Per order of the voices (kidding....maybe), I will be unavailable for at least the next 24 hours. In hopes of restoring my mental health, I am running away to locations unknown to celebrate my birthday (Okay, some of you know where...so shush, it's a secret!). All traditional forms of communication will be shut off during that period (Starting tonight). For those of you who use birds, songs, etc (y'all know who you are) ....it's not like I can block those...so knock yourselves out. I just won't be getting back to you until Sunday at the earliest.

XO & ****

Love,

Star

In serious need of a fix

I am in serious need of an ocean fix. I haven't been to the ocean since June.
I tend to avoid the coast over the summer in order to avoid the tourists. Between the fact that they are people and that a number of them leave my favorite beaches a mess, it's just better to avoid the whole thing.

I can usually get through until September or so. Not so much this year...I've been landbound too long already. I'm tired, I'm stressed and as a result, I'm getting bitchier and more depressed by the minute. So I am going to go to get my fix of ocean breezes, salt water and my gulls. It is going to be my birthday present to myself. The plan is to leave early Saturday morning and not come home until past nightfall. The true brilliance of the plan is that where I am going, my cell phone does not work. I'm turning it off anyways, just in case (Mercury retrograde is funny that way). The only creatures I plan on speaking with are my gulls. Along with the ocean, I desperately need the peace and quiet that comes with it.

So for those planning to call, text or email me on Saturday, I won't be getting back to you until Sunday at the earliest. If I don't post a blog between now and then, have a great weekend.

Can I have a Faerygodmother?

This is my second attempt at a blog entry today. I'm guessing the faeries didn't like the first one, so they made it disappear. They are so friendly like that. So I'm changing my tack a bit.

I was originally writing about birthday wishes and what not. But the reality is, I want my own faerygodmother. Yes, yes, it is probably against the rules...that whole being a faerygodmother myself. But, hey, rules are made to be broken (just not by any of my godchildren...they tend to play with space, time and whatnot). So I want a faerygodmother.

I am willing to be fair about this. I know I'd never do well with one of the FGM such as Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty had. I'm just not damsel in distress, be saved by a handsome (but dim...really) prince. I'm more likely to get along with the so-called "bad" faery from Sleeping Beauty (see above...please note the raven...just saying). Even as a child, she was my favorite.

Think about it, wouldn't you be ticked off if you were the only one NOT invited? Silly people should have just invited her. She probably wouldn't have gone...it wouldn't have been that good of a party after all. She was just making a point. Faerygodmothers should always be respected, even if you don't agree with them or their methods. And honestly, would Sleeping Beauty really have been the person she became if it hadn't been for the "bad" faery? I don't think so.

So I'd be very happy with her as a FGM. I don't mind working for what I want. It's just nice to know you have someone in your corner, giving little pointers here and there, untangling snags on occasion. Not to mention, she does know how to make an entrance. I could do alot worse.

Gray day....

We're finally getting some much needed rain here in NH. As a result, it has been a gray and damp day. Some people have said it was even chilly. It couldn't have been...I was sweating all morning (not hot flashes, thank you very much Candy!). Instead I was getting some work around the house done. Not as much as I had hoped...but still, some.

The weather, though much appreciated, has made me crave some of my autumnal comforts...candle light and apples & cinnamon. Both of which I indulged in today. Every little bit to keep my mood from slipping any more than it already has lately. And on the bright side, once the Back to School stuff goes away...Halloween stuff will be out. That is sure to bring a smile or two, I hope. And with the cooler weather, the damn tourists will soon be gone from my ocean. In the meantime, I'll just keep trudging along.

Who knocked the Universe off balance?

Despite no new duck related signs, I figured I would continue with the motif. Especially since this duckling looks the way I've felt the last few days. Everything, including me, is just plain off balance. For every one step forward, there has been something pushing me two steps back (And yes, I know, Mercury is retrograde....again). I know alot of y'all are having the same issues. I'm guessing someone knocked the Universe off balance.

In general, it is all very disheartening. At the worse moments, there really are not words to describe how I feel. I made myself get up today. I even got some things done, despite a complete lack of ambition. Yet, I'm still listless. I wish now I had gone out for the evening, if for no other reason than to have a temporary distraction. I didn't though, so now I'm typing away at this blog.

I always hope that blogging will give me some insight (at best) or give me a stress outlet (at least). Sometimes is provides neither. In those cases, I just keep repeating "This too shall pass" (Thank you Betsy). Eventually the Universe will right itself...or I'll get my balance back. Maybe both...now wouldn't that be something?

*Author's Note:

Proof of the effect Mercury has on me and mine....my spellcheck for this picked up alot as being incorrect and ignored y'all. It's either the planet or my Southern ancestors have possessed the computer. Not sure which worries me more.

There's no escaping the duck mojo!

It was a fairly crazy day. Between jobs and counseling and other nonsensical stuff, I was beat. However, the Roomie wanted chicken pasta for dinner. Fairly easy to make, no biggie...except it meant stopping at the grocery store. *Sigh* But being the good roomie I am...despite being tortured by vampires and zombies...(ask Rowan, she can explain), I stopped at Hannafords for all the fixings.

A quick trip through the aisles and then off to the checkout. Piece of cake, right? And there it was, sitting literally at the end of the checkout lane (not in the basket of stuffies, oh no)....smiling at me....a stuffed, fuzzy duck! *Sigh* I thought about ignoring it...but considering I had posted on Facebook for people to send me ducks (photos...no actual water fowl please!), it just didn't seem like a good idea.

Needless to say, the ducky is now sitting on my painting easel, still smiling happily at me as I type away. *Sigh*

Duck on the Edge

It's been one of those weekends. Did stuff, though very little of it was what I needed or wanted to do. Too many demands, not enough time or energy. Feels like I've been fighting a losing battle for days. That is probably why I felt lousy by Saturday night and like the living dead by Sunday.

Most of Sunday was spent in bed, minus errands and part of the race. High light of the day was a visit from Katie and snuggle time with Addison. Now I'm exhausted and facing another week of too much to do and not enough time or energy. All of which leaves me on edge and makes me wonder what the hell am I doing with my life? Maybe more sleep will help.

And the ducks keep coming...

Today was a busy day. I was up early with the Menace, made coffee, had cereal and was off to test students by 7:30. After that I worked at camp. Nothing will tell you that you are out of shape than having to hike a steep grade with a bunch of kids. Of course it didn't help I had started Cto5k the night before and had run 1.25 miles. Rather poor planning on my part. Then I buzzed home, grabbed some stuff and was off to Sparrow's for her birthday. (Happy Birthday LBB!) Now I am finally home and after a hot bath, am happily at my computer.

Now while there were many dragonflies about today, there was nary a duck to be seen. Until I got home and found the above picture on my Facebook page...a little bit of brightness from one of my sister Dark Faeries (I miss you all bunches!) It just made me giggle. And the duck lesson for the day....

Sometimes you have to make do with what you have available where you are. To make sure it will be a good day, it is always a good idea to bring a friend along with you.

Ducks in a row?

Yes, I am continuing with the duck motif. Some of it is all Noreen's fault(waves at Noreen) some of it is a worthy nod of the head to the ducks that have been in my life.I had a pet duck as a child. (No, I did not have a normal childhood) I also had a "wild" Mallard hen that used land on the deck to visit with me daily when I worked as a waitress on Lake Sunapee. (The customers thought it amusing, unless she was trying to steal their food.) Until the other day, I hadn't really thought about the duck affinity.

The plan last night was to right something witty about the ducks for today's blog. I had just found out last I got a job teaching a college Ecology course (yay me!) so my mood was very happy (and I'm always witty...right?). However, other circumstances waylaid the plan. Today was stressful enough that I went for a run when I got home...something I haven't done in months. It was that, eat what was left of the cake and ice cream in the house or throw a major tantrum. Figured the run would be the lesser of the evils... besides the sweets would still be there when I got back and tantrums are always an option if nothing else succeeds.

The run helped though I still wasn't in the mood to write. But I figured, what the hell...I'll try it anyway. This blog may not have the zip and zing I had planned, but I think the message is still important. To proceed, you have to have your ducks in a row. Of course in life, ducks don't usually stay in the row...so it is an ongoing process. You get one thing set and all the others move around causing chaos and mayhem (they are very cute and fuzzy and they DO cause a hell of a lot of trouble). So you have to keep putting them back in the row...and that is ok. Cause my ducks are all lined up above and they look like they are ready to dance!

Follow the duck!

In case some of you didn't already know, I'm a big believer in signs. Not so much STOP signs....yes, 2 seconds does count as stopped in my world...but those little bits of grace we get to guide us along our way. I can't help it. I blame it on the combination of the Irish and the Italian bloodlines. The combination seems to have left me a bit touched. It is okay though. It helps me to know that there are forces looking out for me (even though I will complain about the Dads and their habit of knocking things down and changing my car radio stations). More importantly, I know I'm not crazy because it happens to other people I know as well.

During this last little down period, I've been asking for a sign about something. As is par for the course in my life, the signs went to a friend of mine. We like to share. The story is rather long, convoluted and still unraveling as I write. (And I'm pretty sure my Dads are in cahoots with Noreen's too on this one) Long story short...the message was to follow the signs, even when they aren't what you think they are. (Clear as mud isn't it?) The shorthand for this test of faith has evolved quickly into "Follow the duck!"

So for all my friends and loved ones out there, if you are having doubts about the path you're on, remember to follow the duck!

Back Again

I've been away from the blog for awhile. Spring was full of getting the garden ready and working different part time jobs...seemingly here, there and everywhere, and new babies...Torence in April and Addison in May. Before I knew it, spring had slipped into summer. Now it is almost time for school to start and autumn to start to peak through.

For most of that time, things have been okay. Not spectacular, but at least okay. I've been going along working all the jobs, looking for something full time, trying to do at least some fun things too. Lately it seems that things aren't going as well. I am increasingly frustrated with how things are going...or not, as the case may be. Frustration is never a good feel. For me, it tends to increase my anxiety level. And that leads down a path I do not want to follow.

So in an attempt to deal with both the frustrations and the anxiety, I've come back to my creative outlets...I spent last night drawing and I've pulled this blog out and dusted off the cobwebs. Both were a struggle. Maybe it will get easier, maybe not. All I can do is try and pray that it helps.

Sanctuary 2

So it has been another long and difficult week. I'm frustrated by almost everyone and everything. Never a good thing, made worse by the ongoing lack of enough sleep. Add in yesterday's snow and it is nothing short of a miracle that I'm still in New England at all right now.

Everything in me keeps wanting to just walk away from all of it. I very well may end up doing that at some point. I'm at least letting myself be open to the possibility that it is time to try somewhere else for awhile at least. I have a few obligations to see out...plus needing to find full-time employment. I'll have to wait and see how it goes.

In the meantime, I'm planning another escape to the beach tomorrow. Warm, sunny weekday...few people as yet. Just me, the sand and waves and my gulls (Hush, I don't want to hear it). At least for a few hours, I'll have some peace of mind and spirit...maybe.

Sanctuary

I've written how things have not been going all that well. I've been hoping being patient and waiting this spell out would be enough. Maybe it still is...I just don't have any faith in that at this point. I think there may be some other stuff going on, decisions that need to be made that I haven't been willing to acknowledge.

I still have no solid idea about what to do about anything at this point. I'm trying to at least be open that maybe things have to be a lot different than I had thought.

There are only two things I know for sure at this point...things cannot continue this way, for my own mental health, if for no other reason than that, and that I need the sanctuary of my ocean (yes, it's mine...get over it). So tomorrow, I'm journeying to my beach, where I can sit and listen to the waves. Maybe they'll have something to say on the whole matter.

Welcome

In all the confusion in my brain, I forgot. Welcome Torence Michelle Crease! Tori was born Friday, April 16th. She is just perfect!

ACKKKKK! Mercury is Retrograde!

So here I am, on a Monday night, happily working on a very witty blog entry. You'll have to take my word for it. Sadly, while adding a bit here and there, my computers decided to change into overwrite mode all by itself. Needless to say, large portions of my draft were eaten.

I would say the whole day has been like this...but it goes beyond that. Life in general has been one step forward and two off into some other dimensional direction not known to this reality. I really do not know if I am coming or going, let alone where I am supposed to be. I'm trying to be patient, I'm even praying for patience (and yes, this is a sign of an upcoming Apocalypse). I'm even praying for fortitude...just let me get through THIS too.

Of course at the same time, I'm swearing at myself for not saving it as a draft sooner and at the computer for it's possessed nature (yes, I know, what should I expect?) and for my somewhat damaged "k" and "," keys (that one is Echo's fault...don't ask...just never let a Pitbull run across your keyboard). I'm so frustrated with everything I could just scream (even chocolate and coffee aren't helping). I know if won't help. So instead, I will continue to go for runs (however short) and go back to seeing Betsy and all the other things I need to do. And I will continue to pray for patience and fortitude...and that Mercury doesn't stay retrograde for long.

One of those days...

It's been one of those days. I'd say it was a typical Monday except I've been having a lot of these days lately. It isn't that things are really bad, they're just not good either.

I'm frustrated more than anything. I've made efforts to move things along, cause this isn't where I want my life to be at this point. It's just nothing seems to have come to sprout yet. (Can you tell I'm planning the house garden?) And I can't seem to get out of my own way lately. Add to that I'm having to let go of yet more things that have given my life predictability the past few years, and I'm getting bored. It feels like a mess.

I know I have to keep at it and continue to be patient (come on already, this is as good as I'm likely to get at it), have faith (yes Dad, got the message) and not do anything stupid in the meantime. I guess I'm tired of feeling so lousy about all of it. Sort of like my poor, pathetic puppy (see picture above) when she waiting the go ahead to eat her dinner. Jet is about as patient as I am...

Emergence

Greetings everyone. Sorry I've been away so long...winter and work and life have kept me too tired to write. Now it is spring...finally...and I feel like I'm finally emerging from a long and cold spell. Appropriate since today is Easter.

I thought about writing a lot the past month or so. A crazy work schedule ( I know, I know, I'm trying to resolve that one) and crazy mood swings left me empty of anything to actually write. Basically, I went through one of my periodic dark periods (no worries, it could have been much worse). And now I'm focusing on climbing out of it again, on getting things in my life moving again.

I realized I was in that barren place longer than I thought. It seems I've been stuck since last spring. Or maybe not stuck, but at a standstill. Some of it of my own making, some of it waiting on the will of Heaven, so to speak. I'm still trying to unravel all of it. Right now the focus is on not getting to that really crazy place I've been before. Or rather, to get to a healthy place, body, mind and soul. There is more to it than that. Like I said, I'm still trying to figure it all out. One of the ways is to start writing again. So here at least is a start.