The Future...and other oddities....

I had a job interview this evening...we'll see how it turns out. One of the questions was where do I see myself in ten years. I came up with an answer but deep down ...I'm not sure where I see myself in ten years.

One reason is nothing ever goes according to plan in my life. I make plans and the gods laugh...and then turn everything upside down. So I don't really bother making hard and fast plans. But now I'm wondering if there isn't something more to all of this...

If I'm honest, I have a phobia about the future. Mainly I don't trust it. Why plan if things are going to turn out completely different any how? So I have avoided really thinking about it. In doing so, have I let myself down. Have I stopped going after what I really want because I'm convinced it won't work out if I put the intent out there? If so, how do I stop not planning for the future? (Yes, I know how weird that sounds) How do I come up with the courage to go after what I want, to take those risks?

I really don't like this about myself. So it has to change.

Thinking....

It's another late night. Even though it is a weekend, I really should be in bed by now. I'm tired and cranky...have been all day. Well really, all week. Not sure if not being able to sleep is the cause or the result of this. Either way, it isn't helping.

When I get like this my mind acts like a hamster on a wheel....running and running to not actually get anywhere. Except that it makes me feel more cranky and stressed. It is a lovely feedback loop... And worse, it makes it difficult for me to think clearly...I start to second guess every decision. I hate when it gets like this. Even if I do all the things I should to maintain my balance, I still have to wait for these spells to pass.

So for now, I am trying not to think. I'm just waiting for this to pass. In the meantime, I'm hoping to find some peace...and maybe some sleep.

Birthday Wishes

I only have half an hour until my birthday! No need to mention the number....my kids will all tell you I am older than everything. Despite my advanced age, I'm still having difficulty coming up with this year's birthday wish.

Birthday wishes are serious things...they set the tone for the whole year. After the past couple of years and various stalls, trials and mayhem...I feel the need to take this coming year very serious. Some of the need for seriousness may be due to Hurricane Irene arriving here in New England on my birthday. (The irony being Irene is the name my mother goes by)

Some of it comes from the feeling I have been drifting along the past couple of years and enough is enough. And yet....

I am hoping inspiration comes in my sleep tonight. I don't want to waste this year's wish on the trivial. I want it to have weight and meaning to it...beyond just me. So here is a pre-birthday wish...let me choose wisely.

And to Mackenzie and Hailey...thank you girls for my flowers, my cupcake and Tink ring. And most of all, thank you for being my faerygoddaughters...I love you! And thanks to the Roomie for the sparklies. I needed some new ones.

Knowing when to stop....

Here it is...the first painting I've completed in over two years. And as is so often the case with creating art, there is a lesson to be learned. You have to know when to stop.

I knew this piece needed only one more layer to it. Once it was on though, I started to fiddle with bits here and there. In doing so, I started to undo what I had already accomplished. So for once, I stopped.

Is this piece exactly as I pictured it in my mind? Well, no...there are elements of painting that are somewhat beyond my control. Am I please with what I've made. Yes...and I hope it brings pleasure to the person it is to be gifted. It is not perfect, but it is enough.

As I ponder this, I'm realizing there are many places in my life where I need to know when to stop. Stop trying to get the results I want and accept the gift of what is. Stop trying to be what other people expect...stop doing things because I "should" rather than because I really want to.
Easier said than done in life. Certainly easier than when I was standing at my easel tonight. Now that I have this knowledge though, how can I do anything else?

Work in Progress

One of the reasons I tell my faery godchildren not to make holes in the time/space continuum is because I often fall through them. Hence why it has been 8 months since I last blogged. Or did anything creative really...

I finally realized how very stagnant my life has become. Nothing new, no taking chances, no creativity...nada. I'm not sure if it is a result of the depression or the cause of it...not that it really matters. If I go down that road I'll be even more stuck. With my birthday right around the corner, it is a opportune time to start to shake some things up.

So here I am...blogging again. And painting. The piece picture here is a work in progress. It has taken many days of sketching, blocking parts out and layers of paint. It still needs at least one more session before I leave it to dry for framing. I'm using it as a sign for myself...one step at a time.

But first, time to clean out the old...fitting for the time of year, especially with Mercury retrograde. If anyone needs books or clothes, let me know. Tomorrow I start on the closets.

PS. Let me know what you think of the painting...it is a present for a dear one!

Random Bits

It is late Monday night. I should be in bed. Instead I am waiting for the bread to rise while I work on prepping classes...and writing in my blog. It's been a rough day. Dealing with glitches caused by life and a slightly misfiring brain is taking a good deal of my energy. It seems everything takes longer and requires more effort right now...mainly because of the misfiring brain.

I am doing what I can...hoping it will pass in time. Preferrably a short amount of time. I have too much to do as it is...the timing of this is just inconvenient. And I am aware that much of it is beyond my control. It does make me realize I need to greatly simplify my life. Now if only I knen how to do that! In the meantime, I will finish my tea, go place the bread in the oven, feed the dragon and continue to work away while my brain is behaving.

And, shhh, don't tell anyone, I'm hoping for at least one snow day so I can have some quiet winter rest. (And no that doesn't mean I summoned the snow...) Here's wishing all some quiet, peaceful moments.

Winter Darkness

Despite my best efforts, the yearly dark period I go through is back. It is still manageable. I feel exhausted most of the time. I have alot to do and little energy to do it. I just want to sleep. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping.

I have been able to keep eating well. Things that have to get done are. The nightmares have eased up some, likely due to the 90lb Black Lab sleeping on me every night. So that is something to be grateful for. Since it isn't getting better, I have to prepare for the possibility it will get worse. Especially since things will be very busy for the next bit of time.

The plan is to keep eating healthy, try to get outside more and make sure I have lists of what needs to be done. That should cover the basics. In the meantime, I'm going to ask friends to come visit...I'd visit them but transportation is an issue at the moment. The goal is to get to turn this darkness around.

Even though it is still winter, there are signs of spring...even in the darkness, there is starlight.

Snow Day!

Here is a belated Happy New Year's to all. And a happy end to this snow day. Jet was very happy to see all the fresh snow. She'll have plenty to play in for a few days. I'm enjoying the winter this year...for now at least. I'm sure I'll be ready for spring once my seed catalogs start arriving.

I've had a fairly good fall and early winter, despite the challenges. Trying to stay positive and keep trudging away at things. Enjoying all the babies and toddlers in my life, as well as my other kids. The depression has been largely held at bay with meds, vitamins and other positive stuff. I was hoping the balance would maintain through to spring when things should balance out in life a little more.

Okay, to be honest, I wanted to stay balanced and positive through the Dark Month ie February. Guess it is going to be more difficult than I thought. My nightmares that come this time of year are back, pretty much as scheduled. I could handle those. It's the waking up at 3 in the morning that is throwing me off. Sleep is necessary for my brain to work decently.

In hopes of getting through past February 18th, I've cut way back on my coffee, I'm making an effort to eat decently, drinking Tension Tamer tea at night, and I'm going to cram in as much work as I can right now in case things do turn worse and my cognitive issues rear their head. I'm trying not to white knuckle it this year. My goal is to get through it as gently as possible while being prepared to respond quickly if I can't. Figure keeping my fingers crossed can't help.

So here is to a good night sleep and a happy brain. And maybe some more snow.

Slower pace?

I've been very bad....haven't written in a bit. Some of it is waiting for my brain to level out. Most of it is I'm either working or sleeping. One of the side effects of my treatment is than I don't have my usual chaos energy level driving me to get lots done. Not that I have less to do, mind you....I just don't have the nervous energy I used to use to get stuff done. Plus, it seems my body has decided it needs to rest up from all the times I was burning the candle at both ends. So if I'm not working, I'm either asleep or in zombie mode.

This is requiring some serious readjustment. And no, I don't like it. And yes, I'm working on it anyways because it is what is good for me in the long run. Right now, I'm white knuckling it. Work stuff, a baby shower, a first birthday and a funeral are all on the agenda for the next couple of days. If I can make it through until Sunday evening, I'll have some breathing room. And I'm planning on holding on to it. We'll just have to see how it goes trying to come at life from a slower pace. Maybe if I look at it as an adventure?

Enough Already

I just returned from the doctor. Because of ongoing issues, I'm back on both the anxiety medication and antidepressants. Really not happy about it. I refuse to have to do this long term. This means I have really got to get my act together. And I'm guessing there are going to be some unhappy people as a result. Oh well. I've had enough of this particular roller coaster.

Random bits, snips & pieces

Just in case any of you were worried I'd stopped writing again, have no fear! I had a bit of a dry spell due to my insane schedule. Thanks to a quiet house and a early morning run, I'm back to my scribbling.

The current update is I have too many part time jobs. As a result, things will be crazy for the next six weeks or so. I'm still on the hunt for the elusive full time job (with bennies, thank you very much). It however is a sneaky creature. Every time I thought I had it, it poofed! So I persevere and am holding firm on not going after something full time that even remotely resembles social work.

The numerous jobs are a financial necessity at the moment. I'm taking it as an opportunity to really work on keeping things in balance. So I'm making an effort to eat decent food, exercise and continue to do creative work. We'll see how it goes. However, if you see that Elusive Job Beast, please let me know.

As for today's blog pic...it is a sweet plaque I think the roomie and I should have for the house. Seems only fair to warn people before they come in, right?

Post spellcheck/pre-post note: I don't know if I can trust a spellcheck system that doesn't accept "poofed". It just seems wrong somehow.

Our Very Own Cowardly Lion

My roomie has a twisted love for the Wizard of Oz. I don't understand it...I run away screaming any time the movie is playing. I have also banished the Wizard of Oz calendar from the kitchen for all time (a double edged sword kind of victory...it's gone and instead I have to put up with the True Blood calendar...sigh). Yet, it still seeps into little corners of my life. For instance, we have our very own Cowardly Lion...or in our case, a Cowardly K9 (Please note, he is not MY dog).

I've written about Echo before. Generally when I talk about him it goes something along the lines of "It is a good thing he's cute...because he is dumb as a stump". Sadly, he is also the biggest wuss I have ever seen in the dog world. His latest stunt occurred this weekend. He normally does not like the vacuum cleaner. It is his norm to run away from it, occasionally turning around to face it while barking (as if to show how truly brave he is). I can understand that. Of course the fact that he now runs away then jumps in the bathtub to hide from it. That does seem a little extreme. But wait, even better...apparently he is also afraid of the ladder I'm using while working on the ceilings upstairs.

Echo's latest run in with the monstrous ladder involved running, barking and hiding in the tub (as seen in the photo)...all while also getting under my feet as I moved it to another room. Some day, I will have a normal dog. Until then, it is a good thing he is cute.

This and That

Life is a bit hectic at the moment. I'm trying to get into the swing of teaching a college class. Plus get ready for subbing at the afterschool program and balance in all my other stuff too.

This kind of crazy pace is fairly normal for me. The issue now is I really don't like running around like this anymore. It exhausts me, leaves me precious little time for the things I'd like to spend time on, and does little to help keep my mood stable. So a change is in order. I haven't worked out all the details of it yet... I do know I'm trying to be more mindful about my eating. And I plan to start running...again...once this heat breaks. But more importantly, I'm looking to make some other changes. My goal this year is to work towards more stability in my life.

Scary, I know. I usually run from stability as fast as possible. And it might not be the word I am really looking for. All I know is when I sat on the beach last Saturday, I watched the gulls floating on the waves, moving with them, but still being calm and centered. That is what I want for myself. Just have to figure out how to do it...and not freak out about it.

Unavailable for the next 24 hours....

Per order of the voices (kidding....maybe), I will be unavailable for at least the next 24 hours. In hopes of restoring my mental health, I am running away to locations unknown to celebrate my birthday (Okay, some of you know where...so shush, it's a secret!). All traditional forms of communication will be shut off during that period (Starting tonight). For those of you who use birds, songs, etc (y'all know who you are) ....it's not like I can block those...so knock yourselves out. I just won't be getting back to you until Sunday at the earliest.

XO & ****

Love,

Star

In serious need of a fix

I am in serious need of an ocean fix. I haven't been to the ocean since June.
I tend to avoid the coast over the summer in order to avoid the tourists. Between the fact that they are people and that a number of them leave my favorite beaches a mess, it's just better to avoid the whole thing.

I can usually get through until September or so. Not so much this year...I've been landbound too long already. I'm tired, I'm stressed and as a result, I'm getting bitchier and more depressed by the minute. So I am going to go to get my fix of ocean breezes, salt water and my gulls. It is going to be my birthday present to myself. The plan is to leave early Saturday morning and not come home until past nightfall. The true brilliance of the plan is that where I am going, my cell phone does not work. I'm turning it off anyways, just in case (Mercury retrograde is funny that way). The only creatures I plan on speaking with are my gulls. Along with the ocean, I desperately need the peace and quiet that comes with it.

So for those planning to call, text or email me on Saturday, I won't be getting back to you until Sunday at the earliest. If I don't post a blog between now and then, have a great weekend.

Can I have a Faerygodmother?

This is my second attempt at a blog entry today. I'm guessing the faeries didn't like the first one, so they made it disappear. They are so friendly like that. So I'm changing my tack a bit.

I was originally writing about birthday wishes and what not. But the reality is, I want my own faerygodmother. Yes, yes, it is probably against the rules...that whole being a faerygodmother myself. But, hey, rules are made to be broken (just not by any of my godchildren...they tend to play with space, time and whatnot). So I want a faerygodmother.

I am willing to be fair about this. I know I'd never do well with one of the FGM such as Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty had. I'm just not damsel in distress, be saved by a handsome (but dim...really) prince. I'm more likely to get along with the so-called "bad" faery from Sleeping Beauty (see above...please note the raven...just saying). Even as a child, she was my favorite.

Think about it, wouldn't you be ticked off if you were the only one NOT invited? Silly people should have just invited her. She probably wouldn't have gone...it wouldn't have been that good of a party after all. She was just making a point. Faerygodmothers should always be respected, even if you don't agree with them or their methods. And honestly, would Sleeping Beauty really have been the person she became if it hadn't been for the "bad" faery? I don't think so.

So I'd be very happy with her as a FGM. I don't mind working for what I want. It's just nice to know you have someone in your corner, giving little pointers here and there, untangling snags on occasion. Not to mention, she does know how to make an entrance. I could do alot worse.

Gray day....

We're finally getting some much needed rain here in NH. As a result, it has been a gray and damp day. Some people have said it was even chilly. It couldn't have been...I was sweating all morning (not hot flashes, thank you very much Candy!). Instead I was getting some work around the house done. Not as much as I had hoped...but still, some.

The weather, though much appreciated, has made me crave some of my autumnal comforts...candle light and apples & cinnamon. Both of which I indulged in today. Every little bit to keep my mood from slipping any more than it already has lately. And on the bright side, once the Back to School stuff goes away...Halloween stuff will be out. That is sure to bring a smile or two, I hope. And with the cooler weather, the damn tourists will soon be gone from my ocean. In the meantime, I'll just keep trudging along.

Who knocked the Universe off balance?

Despite no new duck related signs, I figured I would continue with the motif. Especially since this duckling looks the way I've felt the last few days. Everything, including me, is just plain off balance. For every one step forward, there has been something pushing me two steps back (And yes, I know, Mercury is retrograde....again). I know alot of y'all are having the same issues. I'm guessing someone knocked the Universe off balance.

In general, it is all very disheartening. At the worse moments, there really are not words to describe how I feel. I made myself get up today. I even got some things done, despite a complete lack of ambition. Yet, I'm still listless. I wish now I had gone out for the evening, if for no other reason than to have a temporary distraction. I didn't though, so now I'm typing away at this blog.

I always hope that blogging will give me some insight (at best) or give me a stress outlet (at least). Sometimes is provides neither. In those cases, I just keep repeating "This too shall pass" (Thank you Betsy). Eventually the Universe will right itself...or I'll get my balance back. Maybe both...now wouldn't that be something?

*Author's Note:

Proof of the effect Mercury has on me and mine....my spellcheck for this picked up alot as being incorrect and ignored y'all. It's either the planet or my Southern ancestors have possessed the computer. Not sure which worries me more.

There's no escaping the duck mojo!

It was a fairly crazy day. Between jobs and counseling and other nonsensical stuff, I was beat. However, the Roomie wanted chicken pasta for dinner. Fairly easy to make, no biggie...except it meant stopping at the grocery store. *Sigh* But being the good roomie I am...despite being tortured by vampires and zombies...(ask Rowan, she can explain), I stopped at Hannafords for all the fixings.

A quick trip through the aisles and then off to the checkout. Piece of cake, right? And there it was, sitting literally at the end of the checkout lane (not in the basket of stuffies, oh no)....smiling at me....a stuffed, fuzzy duck! *Sigh* I thought about ignoring it...but considering I had posted on Facebook for people to send me ducks (photos...no actual water fowl please!), it just didn't seem like a good idea.

Needless to say, the ducky is now sitting on my painting easel, still smiling happily at me as I type away. *Sigh*

Duck on the Edge

It's been one of those weekends. Did stuff, though very little of it was what I needed or wanted to do. Too many demands, not enough time or energy. Feels like I've been fighting a losing battle for days. That is probably why I felt lousy by Saturday night and like the living dead by Sunday.

Most of Sunday was spent in bed, minus errands and part of the race. High light of the day was a visit from Katie and snuggle time with Addison. Now I'm exhausted and facing another week of too much to do and not enough time or energy. All of which leaves me on edge and makes me wonder what the hell am I doing with my life? Maybe more sleep will help.