Another day down

One more exhausting day done with. Because of family scheduling issues, there was a gap today between yesterday's calling hours and tomorrow's funeral mass. Yes, tomorrow is just the mass, though I suppose I can't say just. It will be a full Catholic funeral mass with all the bells and whistles at St. Patrick's in Newport, followed by a reception at Assumption Hall. Rumor has it the St. Pat's will be packed, something that usually only occurs at Christmas Eve and Easter Morning. I'm pretty sure Dad would be annoyed at all the fuss. He'd prefer to sit in the back left pew and contemplate the universe in peace.

Burial won't be until Saturday since Dad wanted to be cremated and his ashes buried with my brother Paul. I think I'm dreading that most of all since it will be with full military honors. Dad deserves them, though again I can hear him in the back of my mind complaining about all the fuss. I have a serious love/hate thing going with the military honors ceremony. Nearly forty years hasn't made hearing Taps easier or kept me from jumping out of my skin at the first volley of the 21 gun salute...even though I know it is coming.

I'm hoping to get some more sleep tonight. Last night's two hours of actual sleep were plagued with nightmares. I finally woke up enough to turn on my bedside lamp so I could go back to sleep. What can I say, the trick from my childhood to send nightmares away still works. I stayed up all morning baking. I made an excellently decorated apple pie...I'll post the picture later this week. It had pine trees and a deer. I made it special to make Matt and Jayme laugh, since it is bow season. I also made whole wheat cinnamon bread, and pumpkin muffins and corn bread. Did all the dishes, worked on some watercolor paintings...which will take a couple of days to finish. And then went to the family dinner. That is an experience in exhaustion all in itself. You'd think I'd be exhausted enough to sleep. But here I am typing away, listening to the rain fall.

Worse case scenario, I'll sleep all weekend while I house sit for friends out in the middle of no where. I can't wait. Just me, my sketch pad, the dogs (theirs, not mine) to watch over me and some much needed peace and quiet.

Awake at the witching hour

Certainly wasn't planning on doing any blogging for a bit. But it's the witching hour ( Dad would have all sorts of jokes for that one), there is a rain storm brewing outside and I cannot sleep yet again.

I had thought for sure that I would be so exhausted after today's calling hours, that I would fall fast asleep. No luck. Instead, I'm wide awake. Too tired to do anything constructive and too restless to settle down. Too many other emotions swirling around to even begin to make sense of any of it, some I just can't face head on yet. The only way to try to make sense of anything is to sit with my computer and write and cry.

To be honest, I wish it was noon on October 3rd. Then all the funeral services, family meals, etc would be over. I won't have to keep my mouth shut or be the one that is handling everything just fine (I know, only certain relatives are crazy enough to believe that one. Oh wait, forgot, they are that crazy. Yes that is a little bitchiness creeping out, they should count their lucky stars I could keep it under control with some timely intervention from my friends.) I am counting the hours until I can be left in peace to mourn my father and grieve again not being someone's daughter, not the way I got to be, at least for a little while.

A huge chunk of my life will cease to exist when this is over. At this point, precious little in my recent life is still intact, barring my true kinships...that's all that really matters. Every thing else is pretty much a crash and burn at this point. Like the phoenix on my back, maybe it is time to let most of it, or at least the things that break my heart, go up in the flames with the rest. (Figuratively, no house fires this time thanks). It's as good a time for a fresh start as any.

Answered Prayers

I did actually get an uninterrupted night's sleep, the first in weeks. Kristi woke me this morning to let me know my mom had called early this morning to let us know Dad passed quietly from this world around 2:30 this morning.

Today has been a whirlwind of making arrangements. My brother Matt is pretty sure the funeral home will close for vacation before having to deal with us again. What can I say, there were six of the seven of us kids there. Heaven knows Dad had trouble keeping us in line one on one. All of us together is a guarantee for there to be rabble rousing, mainly because we form our very own rabble.

Kristi made sure I had a healthy lunch though dinner consisted of chocolate cake and a Vitamin C supplement. (That is healthy, right?) I'm even drinking water as I type this, so Sparrow doesn't have to worry. Tomorrow will likely be a little less crazy. I plan to stay fairly close to home, get some stuff here caught up again and return friend's emails. And maybe start on my PhD program application...might as well let the current insanity work for me, right?

Ever feel like everything is spinning out of control around you? That's pretty much what the past couple of days have been like. Lots of waiting, some tears, some laughter. Amidst it all, I can't seem to find my balance. Of course it could be the result of severe sleep deprivation and excessive caffeine intake. It is quite possible I will never touch coffee again once this is all over.

Dad has been declining rapidly. He is no longer eating. He drinks very little. The nurses at DHMC removed the IV's yesterday. He is now on oral morphine, which made him pretty happy and chatty yesterday. He was talking with anyone who came in the room. At one point Father Chris, the hospital's chaplain came in to see him. After giving him communion, he spoke of how there were angels in the room with him. Dad smiled, looked at my Mom and I and said, "Yeah, but they're witches". Needless to say, Mom and I started to crack up. Later, Dad was saying how tough Bones was (my brother Nathaniel for those not in the know). I quipped, "Yeah he is, but he's funny looking too isn't he?", to which Dad smiled and said "Well yes". Nathaniel just gave me one of his "I am so not amused" looks...not that they have any effect on me. There are some other funny stories, but I'll save them for another time. I spent part of last night with Dad, as did my sister Theresa. Dad started to fade quickly last night.

He hasn't been able to call me by name for a couple of days, though he knew who I was. At least until today. He doesn't recognize anyone and is almost completely unable to communicate. The team at DHMC and my mother decided to move him to New London Hospital for hospice care since it's closer to home. I would have liked to have known about it before I went up this morning. I wasn't prepared to have to pack his room, or sign whatever papers. All of which I did. I will say, the nursing staff at DHMC are angels, as is the pastoral staff. The doctors? A few need to be slapped up side the head or given lessons on how to deal with people. (It's a long story)

That was bad enough, but my cell got turned off because I forgot to pay the bill. Then when I went to pay it, I locked myself out of my car. I had to call Kristi (good thing I just paid the bill) to go get my spare and bring it to me. I'm pretty sure I would lose my way if I had to go anywhere right now, which is why I plan to stay home. Of course, I think I could get lost in the house right now. I might even get some rest...I'm so tired at this point I'm wicked (yes I am from NH) slap happy. Just about anything will start me giggling until I'm crying. Kristi thinks it is pretty entertaining. Heaven knows our menagerie is strange enough to get me going at the drop of a hat. (For example, Esmerelda was watching NCIS with us...and here I thought she only liked to watch NASCAR)

At this point, I can only hope for some sleep and a phone call so I know Dad has passed peacefully into the next world.

Quick Update

I wanted to update real quick before I head out again this morning. Dad is still up at DHMC. The doctors have discontinued the antibiotics. His kidneys are failing. At this point they are giving him medications to make him comfortable. He sleeps a great deal, though he was awake and somewhat lucid for a good chunk of time yesterday. Right now we are just waiting. I was up there most of yesterday and I'm heading up again in a bit for the day. If you need to reach me, best to call me on my cell as I'm not sure when I'll be near my computer again.

For everyone who has been saying prayers for my Dad and the family, thank you. He is comfortable and at peace. We couldn't ask for more than that at this time.

A favorite prayer

I've come to accept that my life is going to be a train wreck for the next little while. Nothing to do but go through it. So for myself and everyone else out there who is also having a difficult time right now, I'm posting one of my favorite prayers by Thomas Merton. May it help you find peace.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

And again...

Another sleepless night seems to be upon me. Figured this time I would try to do something constructive in hopes of getting tired enough to get at least a couple hours of sleep later on. So rather than stay in bed and read myself into a stupor, I decided to get up and do my kitchen brownie routine.

The counters are clean, the sink is clear of dishes, the dishwasher is happily running and I have the dough for cinnamon bread rising on the counter. I contemplated making some pumpkin muffins but decided against it. I'm not sure I have enough brain focus left to make them. Maybe tomorrow.

Now I am tapping away on my keyboard. Note to self, remember to wipe the flour off before staring to type...and if you are wearing a black USMC shirt, don't wipe your hands off on it. Ooops! Can you tell I'm tired? I really would like to sleep. For once, my insomnia isn't caused by being over-caffeinated. As Rowan pointed out when I started baking at 10pm, I just won't let myself sleep right now. She's correct...I just can't. Of course she also pointed out that I cannot spend all day at the hospital. It's just too much. And I have to reluctantly agree.

The best and worst part of today was being alone with Dad in his room. He is lucid...it's just the light he's seeing isn't entirely from this world. He moves between praying to talking about who he's going to see on the other side. We did have a chance to talk, so there is nothing left unsaid. That made it all the more bittersweet. I seriously thought I was going to meltdown for good. Luckily for me I have wonderful people in my life to distract me, make me laugh and feed me (and I didn't even argue about eating either meal).

The wait is the hardest right now. And I've realized that though I'm the one with experience in losing a father, I'm now facing that loss for a second time. And at the moment, I don't have anyone to talk to who is a night owl like me but me. No wonder I can't sleep.

On the bright side? If anyone wants some kickass homemade whole wheat cinnamon bread, let me know. I've got plenty.

Sleepless night

I spent most of today at DHMC. Dad is seriously ill, to the point where he will not recover. We expect to meet with the entire team of doctors in the next day or so to discuss all the options for care as well as Dad's wishes as how to proceed.

Dad's wishes are clear. He is tired. He is ready to pass quietly from this world. His main fear is that he wasn't a good enough person in this world. He is also one of the best people I know. Not perfect certainly, despite being Irish. He is one of the few I have known to acknowledge his mistakes and apologize for them. His faith has always been amazing. Even now, he continues to pray for "those who are worse off than he is".

My wish on this sleepless night is for him to find peace in heart and mind so he may have a quiet passage from this world to the next.

Simple Blessings

For the past few months, I've been praying for some kind of guidance. With everything going on, I wanted to know what to do. Mainly because if I'm doing something (okay lots of things at the same time) I feel I have some control over the chaos. I know, I know, I should know better after all this time. I do. I merely forget sometimes. And it takes the proverbial smack upside the head to smarten me up again.

Maybe I'm getting wiser as I get older, (shut up Rowan). It may be all the prayers others have been saying for me lately (thank you by the way)finally got through. I actually got the message this time without getting hit in the head,literally or figuratively. ( The first person who marks this date on the calendar is in BIG trouble). Basically, things are arranged right now so I cannot DO anything.

Not that I get to sit around doing nothing. I'm accepting certain, okay a lot, of things are beyond my control. ( I heard that snickering you know) I'm still job searching, and I do have certain obligations to my loved ones. But right now, I can rest in simple things I don't usually have much time for...like writing my blog, my art work, making bread (good time to visit Nia), getting outside, and so on. I have the opportunity to cultivate some quietude and serenity amidst all the craziness going on in the rest of the world. And for once, I'm okay with it.

"Let Nothing Disturb You"

This is a picture of the Atlantic Ocean from my favorite perch (literally) in Maine. Sorry, not telling where it is. It is the one place I can go that no one know where it is. Plus, my cellphone doesn't work there, so I am officially unreachable when I am there.

It is where I go, at least during non-tourist season, to get away, think,write and re-group. I miss it very much at the moment. I hope to get up there for a few hours soon. In the meantime, I have to rely on pictures.

I've been looking at the photos a lot lately. Things are stressful for me, but I can deal. I may not like it, but it is what it is. What is worse is the number of people either I know or people close to people close to me (did that make sense? If so, you might want to be a little afraid, you're starting to understand my train of thought) have received some kind of really bad news. Layoffs, major health issues, etc. It seems to be everywhere.

Because of stuff in my own life, I've been searching for bits and pieces to give me some support getting through it. I've given up praying to be at peace with it all. I mean really, me peaceful? Trying for that has only left me more frustrated. Instead, I'm asking for courage and endurance. Seems to fit my personality better. Damn, almost lured of track by sneaky tangents. Back into the desk drawer with all of you!

Anyways, I was thinking of how I put out prayer requests for those I know who are in need. But maybe we all need a little more right now, maybe a little smidge of grace (please note the lower case "g", I don't want to find smidges of my friend Grace anywhere), or inspiration or whatever you want to call it. Just a collection of things to help all of us get through either our own stuff or to pass along to someone we love. I figure I will start it as an experiment here and see what happens.

So here is my thought to all of you, if you have bits of prayer, pictures, snippets of poetry you would like to share, please do. Even song cues... ( I KNOW I am going to regret that one considering how many of my near and dear thrive on sudden bursts of song...sigh) You can either add them into the comments, email me through the link below or to one of my other email addresses if you have that. I will turn them into blog bits, etc. to share with everyone. Add any prayer requests as well. I'll add them to my list...which is getting tackled daily lately.

I actually started kind of with the title of this post. It is from the first line of a prayer from Saint Teresa of Avila. The first part, which I pray on a regular basis, goes like this:
"Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you..."

Happy Birthday Jet

Today is Jet's 3rd Birthday! Kristi made her a special doggy birthday cake, with candy bone sprinkles. We left off the candles, she'd only try to eat them. A lot of people thought she'd never make it to 3. Jet came to us with a ton of issues. Most people thought we were crazy. (Not that we aren't...normal is boring). With time, work, a lot of love and a little medication, she is slowly turning into a normal beast. Well, as normal as anyone is this household ever gets. Above is a picture of me showing her her cake. She was very excited.

Happy Birthday Jetsam!

Echo's Big Adventure

Around our house, Echo, our lab/pitt mix pup, is generally viewed as the "good dog", well by Kristi anyways. Some of that is his behaviors are caused by the fact he is still a puppy. Some of it is while he's not the brightest of dogs at times, is cute in a dopey sort of way. Today is an example of why.

Kristi took him out this morning. She is trying to train him to be off leash, so he had on the training collar. Normally, he'd do what he needed to and come in to go back to bed like any other Sunday. Except today there was another dog in the neighborhood. The black shepard mix obviously belongs to someone...he had a collar and tags. Apparently he left his owners at home . As he went through our yard, Echo decided to follow, trying to get him to play. And off they went. Out of the yard, down the street and away. One problem with an electric training collar...they have limited distance at which they are effective. (Though if it had been Jet, she wouldn't have even noticed being zapped, plus she would have tried to kick the other dog's butt for being in her yard - can you tell she's my dog?)

Kristi tried to catch him, but when that failed she came to wake me up to help. Have I ever mentioned, I don't wake up easily? Especially since you cannot shake me awake without risking getting punched? Once I was up, we both took our cars to see if we could spot the dogs anywhere in the area. We circled a couple of times, checked back at the house, got Tasha from next door looking, called the Animal Control folks, etc. At one point, I dropped the car back home and took to looking on foot, passing out business cards with my cell phone number on it to anyone who might come across the mutt.

This kept up for hours! I finally stopped to eat, took information on Echo to the police department, and took to looking again. Kristi finally flagged me down on one pass. Sitting happy as can be in the passenger seat was Echo. Apparently, he got lost a few streets up from us. Luckily for him, he is cute. Cute enough that someone let him into their house, gave him love and attention and shelter for most of the 4 plus hours he was missing. Kristi passed the house and saw him playing with his new human friend. As soon as she got out of the car, he ran over and jumped on her, all happy to have been found.

He was no worse the wear for his adventure. He didn't even have the decency to look ashamed of himself. I'm fairly certain he has no idea he did something wrong. He came home, ate and quickly laid down to take a nap. It seems adventures are very tiring. He and I had a talk about how he really isn't smart enough to be doing things like this. He is used to these conversations...they usually involve me reminding him it is a good thing he is cute, cause bright he isn't.

The one good thing out of all of this...other than we found the butthead? Jet, aka The Black Menace is officially the "good dog" of the house. Who would have ever thought that would happen?

Respect the Families of the Fallen

I was checking my email this afternoon and came across an article about the Associated Press releasing the picture of an Marine severely injured by a RPG attack in Afghanistan last month. The young Lance Corporal died later. Last week, after the funeral, a number of newspapers chose to print the photo showing the downed Marine as his comrades attempted to save his life. The picture was released despite the protests of the Marine's family. The Secretary of Defense has since blasted the AP for their actions, demanding the photo be pulled.

I had to calm down a bit before I decided to write about it. I am a strong proponent of freedom of the press. I am also the daughter of a fallen Marine. I can easily imagine the pain this Marine's family feels knowing that picture, the last of their son, is out there. The last picture I have of my father is him receiving his Purple Heart on board the USS Repose, a Naval Hospital Ship. That picture is a snapshot of a nineteen year old boy, it is bittersweet. What is hidden from view in the picture is the fact Daddy was missing both legs, his left arm and his left eye. I know these injuries were disguised out of respect for the family members to whom the photo would be sent. Those of us who have lost a loved one in service of this country do not need to see what happened to them with our eyes. That loss is forever engraved onto our hearts, we carry this scar with us everywhere we go.

The AP argues they are showing a piece of the country's history. I am a historian as well. I can teach about history without showing the dying moments of a 21 year old. There are other ways to teach, to show clearly the horrors of war, without blatantly disregarding the wishes and feelings of the families of the fallen. I hope the decision makers at the AP rethink their stance on this issue. In the meantime, this Marine's daughter will light a candle for the family. I know he is now part of those few and proud guarding Heaven's streets. He's in good company.

Another World Heard From...

I hadn't planned on blogging today. I've been feeling off for a few days now. Very frustrated, confused, sad and a whole lot of other whatnot to boot. Best I've been able to come up with is to keep busy, preferably without alot of people around. I'm craving peace and quiet like it's the air I breathe.

I love my friends, family and my kiddos. Really. It just I have days where having a job counting birds, or fish or something on an unpopulated island off of Maine, with no internet, or phone, sounds like my idea of heaven. By noon, today became one of those days. Which is why I probably had a massive stress headache by the time I got home. I had enough energy to crawl into my hermit cell - though it does seem more like a dark cave...just need a couple of bats-and crash for a couple of hours.

All I wanted was some sleep to make my head stop hurting. I did get that...along with a bunch of dreams. Like most of the dreams I've had all summer I don't remember most of them...other than they are generally disturbing (for example, the vampires...thank you Kristi...but that is a whole other blog). I do remember part of one though because Daddy came for a visit.
Not particularly surprising, it is close to my birthday. And some of the little signs have been around...a Vietnam book repeatedly falling off the shelf, my Goldstar pin reappearing after being gone for two years, stuff like that. But I haven't had dreams with Daddy in them in months.

Okay I thought, it's a belated birthday visit, plus I'm worried about Dad and alot of other stuff in my life. No big deal. Yeah right. Daddy and I sat on the rocks along the seashore and chatted. I told him about things that had been going on, things I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about for one reason or another. These dream talks are almost as good as the real thing, but they also make me miss him. Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy. Even when he tells her what she doesn't want to hear. In my case, to stop overthinking, to stop hesitating and to go more with my heart. Great. Bless him, Daddy always jumped before he looked and he always went with his heart, for better or for worse. Sadly, these are not traits that come easily to me. I guess I'm going to have to work on them... sigh.

Waiting

Anyone who knows me well, knows patience is not one of my stronger virtues. Since I tend to give the Tazmanian Devil as run for his money, having to go slow and wait for things to come to me isn't something with which I have much practice. In fact, I'll choose just about any other virtue to work on instead. I'm just not your average, take it easy kind of gal, well in any respect actually.

I guess all those times I've put off cultivating patience has finally caught up to me. It seems much of what I'm doing lately is waiting... waiting to hear about a job, waiting for my Master's Degree to show up, so on and so forth. I wish I could say I was embracing this lesson in patience gracefully. It would seem to be the perfect time to practice being mindful, focusing on the moment. Which I can do, if I have something else going to occupy my hands... making bread, washing dishes, pretty much anything. Give me a moment when my hands are idle though and I'm right back to obsessing.

One of the most difficult things I'm obsessing about right now is waiting to see what is happening with my Dad's health. Over a month ago he was admitted to the hospital with a pneumothorax of the left lung. Three weeks of inpatient treatment and now another of the same treatment at home haven't healed the lung. We have all been having to wait...to see if the lung will heal, for the next series of tests, to see if another treatment will have to be tried despite the risks, to see if Dad can even gather up the energy to walk across the house today when he couldn't yesterday.

It is always difficult to be patient when there is a particular outcome in mind. I think it is more difficult when the outcome is unclear. You are having to wait, but you don't know what it is you are waiting for. Right now, we all hope for good news...that the lung has healed and Dad can return to his regular activities as his strength returns. Yet, the reality is, the longer this goes on, the greater the risk to Dad's overall health as well as the dampening of his spirits. And all any of us can do is wait...and play the cards Fate deals us.