Awake at the witching hour

Certainly wasn't planning on doing any blogging for a bit. But it's the witching hour ( Dad would have all sorts of jokes for that one), there is a rain storm brewing outside and I cannot sleep yet again.

I had thought for sure that I would be so exhausted after today's calling hours, that I would fall fast asleep. No luck. Instead, I'm wide awake. Too tired to do anything constructive and too restless to settle down. Too many other emotions swirling around to even begin to make sense of any of it, some I just can't face head on yet. The only way to try to make sense of anything is to sit with my computer and write and cry.

To be honest, I wish it was noon on October 3rd. Then all the funeral services, family meals, etc would be over. I won't have to keep my mouth shut or be the one that is handling everything just fine (I know, only certain relatives are crazy enough to believe that one. Oh wait, forgot, they are that crazy. Yes that is a little bitchiness creeping out, they should count their lucky stars I could keep it under control with some timely intervention from my friends.) I am counting the hours until I can be left in peace to mourn my father and grieve again not being someone's daughter, not the way I got to be, at least for a little while.

A huge chunk of my life will cease to exist when this is over. At this point, precious little in my recent life is still intact, barring my true kinships...that's all that really matters. Every thing else is pretty much a crash and burn at this point. Like the phoenix on my back, maybe it is time to let most of it, or at least the things that break my heart, go up in the flames with the rest. (Figuratively, no house fires this time thanks). It's as good a time for a fresh start as any.