In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory of my dad, William L. McHugh

July 24, 1931-September 23, 2009

God's might to direct me

God's power to protect me

God's wisdom for learning

God's eye for discerning

God's ear for my hearing

God's word for my clearing

God's hand for my cover

God's path to pass over

God's buckler to guide me

God's army to ward me.

- From the Breastplate of St. Patrick

Slow Return to Sanity

Don't get too excited, I haven't done any baking today. (Though I did start cutting up wood, does that count?) I am working from the laptop in the kitchen. Some of it is I'll doze off if I work from my bed...or worse, actually start to organize the chaos in there. (Ugh, the horror of it) Some of it is Jet is loose in the house, but must be monitored against her latest trick, which is stealing the cat food off the table (yes, this is a new trick after living here for two years. She is just that special).

I'm just killing time here. I have to be at Towle School to cover for an hour or so at the afterschool program. Then I have to teach tonight, my first night back since Dad died. It's hard to believe it has been a week already. Now I just have to get through Saturday morning.

Of course, I realized this morning while talking with Betsy, it's not the ceremony itself I'm dreading. I'm dreading being around particular family members. Just the ones who normally have the ability to drive me right over the edge with their behaviors. It is worse now that Dad is no longer there as the buffer. But it is only a short event. I will be there with others of my family I actually do like, and then Dad will receive the honors he earned as a veteran. That's what matters. For that, I can control my temper for a bit longer.

In the meantime, I'm laying groundwork for upcoming trainings and starting up the job search again. (See, only hiding under the rock when my relatives are around) Ugh. I've promised myself to get back to eating better after Saturday, including cutting back on my coffee intake. I'm also going to start running again, my feet will just have to deal, if for no other reason than running is one of the things that helps me stay sane. (Yes, I know, but remember it is my version of sane...it's way better than my level of insanity.)

Another day down

One more exhausting day done with. Because of family scheduling issues, there was a gap today between yesterday's calling hours and tomorrow's funeral mass. Yes, tomorrow is just the mass, though I suppose I can't say just. It will be a full Catholic funeral mass with all the bells and whistles at St. Patrick's in Newport, followed by a reception at Assumption Hall. Rumor has it the St. Pat's will be packed, something that usually only occurs at Christmas Eve and Easter Morning. I'm pretty sure Dad would be annoyed at all the fuss. He'd prefer to sit in the back left pew and contemplate the universe in peace.

Burial won't be until Saturday since Dad wanted to be cremated and his ashes buried with my brother Paul. I think I'm dreading that most of all since it will be with full military honors. Dad deserves them, though again I can hear him in the back of my mind complaining about all the fuss. I have a serious love/hate thing going with the military honors ceremony. Nearly forty years hasn't made hearing Taps easier or kept me from jumping out of my skin at the first volley of the 21 gun salute...even though I know it is coming.

I'm hoping to get some more sleep tonight. Last night's two hours of actual sleep were plagued with nightmares. I finally woke up enough to turn on my bedside lamp so I could go back to sleep. What can I say, the trick from my childhood to send nightmares away still works. I stayed up all morning baking. I made an excellently decorated apple pie...I'll post the picture later this week. It had pine trees and a deer. I made it special to make Matt and Jayme laugh, since it is bow season. I also made whole wheat cinnamon bread, and pumpkin muffins and corn bread. Did all the dishes, worked on some watercolor paintings...which will take a couple of days to finish. And then went to the family dinner. That is an experience in exhaustion all in itself. You'd think I'd be exhausted enough to sleep. But here I am typing away, listening to the rain fall.

Worse case scenario, I'll sleep all weekend while I house sit for friends out in the middle of no where. I can't wait. Just me, my sketch pad, the dogs (theirs, not mine) to watch over me and some much needed peace and quiet.

Awake at the witching hour

Certainly wasn't planning on doing any blogging for a bit. But it's the witching hour ( Dad would have all sorts of jokes for that one), there is a rain storm brewing outside and I cannot sleep yet again.

I had thought for sure that I would be so exhausted after today's calling hours, that I would fall fast asleep. No luck. Instead, I'm wide awake. Too tired to do anything constructive and too restless to settle down. Too many other emotions swirling around to even begin to make sense of any of it, some I just can't face head on yet. The only way to try to make sense of anything is to sit with my computer and write and cry.

To be honest, I wish it was noon on October 3rd. Then all the funeral services, family meals, etc would be over. I won't have to keep my mouth shut or be the one that is handling everything just fine (I know, only certain relatives are crazy enough to believe that one. Oh wait, forgot, they are that crazy. Yes that is a little bitchiness creeping out, they should count their lucky stars I could keep it under control with some timely intervention from my friends.) I am counting the hours until I can be left in peace to mourn my father and grieve again not being someone's daughter, not the way I got to be, at least for a little while.

A huge chunk of my life will cease to exist when this is over. At this point, precious little in my recent life is still intact, barring my true kinships...that's all that really matters. Every thing else is pretty much a crash and burn at this point. Like the phoenix on my back, maybe it is time to let most of it, or at least the things that break my heart, go up in the flames with the rest. (Figuratively, no house fires this time thanks). It's as good a time for a fresh start as any.

Answered Prayers

I did actually get an uninterrupted night's sleep, the first in weeks. Kristi woke me this morning to let me know my mom had called early this morning to let us know Dad passed quietly from this world around 2:30 this morning.

Today has been a whirlwind of making arrangements. My brother Matt is pretty sure the funeral home will close for vacation before having to deal with us again. What can I say, there were six of the seven of us kids there. Heaven knows Dad had trouble keeping us in line one on one. All of us together is a guarantee for there to be rabble rousing, mainly because we form our very own rabble.

Kristi made sure I had a healthy lunch though dinner consisted of chocolate cake and a Vitamin C supplement. (That is healthy, right?) I'm even drinking water as I type this, so Sparrow doesn't have to worry. Tomorrow will likely be a little less crazy. I plan to stay fairly close to home, get some stuff here caught up again and return friend's emails. And maybe start on my PhD program application...might as well let the current insanity work for me, right?

Ever feel like everything is spinning out of control around you? That's pretty much what the past couple of days have been like. Lots of waiting, some tears, some laughter. Amidst it all, I can't seem to find my balance. Of course it could be the result of severe sleep deprivation and excessive caffeine intake. It is quite possible I will never touch coffee again once this is all over.

Dad has been declining rapidly. He is no longer eating. He drinks very little. The nurses at DHMC removed the IV's yesterday. He is now on oral morphine, which made him pretty happy and chatty yesterday. He was talking with anyone who came in the room. At one point Father Chris, the hospital's chaplain came in to see him. After giving him communion, he spoke of how there were angels in the room with him. Dad smiled, looked at my Mom and I and said, "Yeah, but they're witches". Needless to say, Mom and I started to crack up. Later, Dad was saying how tough Bones was (my brother Nathaniel for those not in the know). I quipped, "Yeah he is, but he's funny looking too isn't he?", to which Dad smiled and said "Well yes". Nathaniel just gave me one of his "I am so not amused" looks...not that they have any effect on me. There are some other funny stories, but I'll save them for another time. I spent part of last night with Dad, as did my sister Theresa. Dad started to fade quickly last night.

He hasn't been able to call me by name for a couple of days, though he knew who I was. At least until today. He doesn't recognize anyone and is almost completely unable to communicate. The team at DHMC and my mother decided to move him to New London Hospital for hospice care since it's closer to home. I would have liked to have known about it before I went up this morning. I wasn't prepared to have to pack his room, or sign whatever papers. All of which I did. I will say, the nursing staff at DHMC are angels, as is the pastoral staff. The doctors? A few need to be slapped up side the head or given lessons on how to deal with people. (It's a long story)

That was bad enough, but my cell got turned off because I forgot to pay the bill. Then when I went to pay it, I locked myself out of my car. I had to call Kristi (good thing I just paid the bill) to go get my spare and bring it to me. I'm pretty sure I would lose my way if I had to go anywhere right now, which is why I plan to stay home. Of course, I think I could get lost in the house right now. I might even get some rest...I'm so tired at this point I'm wicked (yes I am from NH) slap happy. Just about anything will start me giggling until I'm crying. Kristi thinks it is pretty entertaining. Heaven knows our menagerie is strange enough to get me going at the drop of a hat. (For example, Esmerelda was watching NCIS with us...and here I thought she only liked to watch NASCAR)

At this point, I can only hope for some sleep and a phone call so I know Dad has passed peacefully into the next world.

Quick Update

I wanted to update real quick before I head out again this morning. Dad is still up at DHMC. The doctors have discontinued the antibiotics. His kidneys are failing. At this point they are giving him medications to make him comfortable. He sleeps a great deal, though he was awake and somewhat lucid for a good chunk of time yesterday. Right now we are just waiting. I was up there most of yesterday and I'm heading up again in a bit for the day. If you need to reach me, best to call me on my cell as I'm not sure when I'll be near my computer again.

For everyone who has been saying prayers for my Dad and the family, thank you. He is comfortable and at peace. We couldn't ask for more than that at this time.

And again...

Another sleepless night seems to be upon me. Figured this time I would try to do something constructive in hopes of getting tired enough to get at least a couple hours of sleep later on. So rather than stay in bed and read myself into a stupor, I decided to get up and do my kitchen brownie routine.

The counters are clean, the sink is clear of dishes, the dishwasher is happily running and I have the dough for cinnamon bread rising on the counter. I contemplated making some pumpkin muffins but decided against it. I'm not sure I have enough brain focus left to make them. Maybe tomorrow.

Now I am tapping away on my keyboard. Note to self, remember to wipe the flour off before staring to type...and if you are wearing a black USMC shirt, don't wipe your hands off on it. Ooops! Can you tell I'm tired? I really would like to sleep. For once, my insomnia isn't caused by being over-caffeinated. As Rowan pointed out when I started baking at 10pm, I just won't let myself sleep right now. She's correct...I just can't. Of course she also pointed out that I cannot spend all day at the hospital. It's just too much. And I have to reluctantly agree.

The best and worst part of today was being alone with Dad in his room. He is lucid...it's just the light he's seeing isn't entirely from this world. He moves between praying to talking about who he's going to see on the other side. We did have a chance to talk, so there is nothing left unsaid. That made it all the more bittersweet. I seriously thought I was going to meltdown for good. Luckily for me I have wonderful people in my life to distract me, make me laugh and feed me (and I didn't even argue about eating either meal).

The wait is the hardest right now. And I've realized that though I'm the one with experience in losing a father, I'm now facing that loss for a second time. And at the moment, I don't have anyone to talk to who is a night owl like me but me. No wonder I can't sleep.

On the bright side? If anyone wants some kickass homemade whole wheat cinnamon bread, let me know. I've got plenty.

Sleepless night

I spent most of today at DHMC. Dad is seriously ill, to the point where he will not recover. We expect to meet with the entire team of doctors in the next day or so to discuss all the options for care as well as Dad's wishes as how to proceed.

Dad's wishes are clear. He is tired. He is ready to pass quietly from this world. His main fear is that he wasn't a good enough person in this world. He is also one of the best people I know. Not perfect certainly, despite being Irish. He is one of the few I have known to acknowledge his mistakes and apologize for them. His faith has always been amazing. Even now, he continues to pray for "those who are worse off than he is".

My wish on this sleepless night is for him to find peace in heart and mind so he may have a quiet passage from this world to the next.

Waiting

Anyone who knows me well, knows patience is not one of my stronger virtues. Since I tend to give the Tazmanian Devil as run for his money, having to go slow and wait for things to come to me isn't something with which I have much practice. In fact, I'll choose just about any other virtue to work on instead. I'm just not your average, take it easy kind of gal, well in any respect actually.

I guess all those times I've put off cultivating patience has finally caught up to me. It seems much of what I'm doing lately is waiting... waiting to hear about a job, waiting for my Master's Degree to show up, so on and so forth. I wish I could say I was embracing this lesson in patience gracefully. It would seem to be the perfect time to practice being mindful, focusing on the moment. Which I can do, if I have something else going to occupy my hands... making bread, washing dishes, pretty much anything. Give me a moment when my hands are idle though and I'm right back to obsessing.

One of the most difficult things I'm obsessing about right now is waiting to see what is happening with my Dad's health. Over a month ago he was admitted to the hospital with a pneumothorax of the left lung. Three weeks of inpatient treatment and now another of the same treatment at home haven't healed the lung. We have all been having to wait...to see if the lung will heal, for the next series of tests, to see if another treatment will have to be tried despite the risks, to see if Dad can even gather up the energy to walk across the house today when he couldn't yesterday.

It is always difficult to be patient when there is a particular outcome in mind. I think it is more difficult when the outcome is unclear. You are having to wait, but you don't know what it is you are waiting for. Right now, we all hope for good news...that the lung has healed and Dad can return to his regular activities as his strength returns. Yet, the reality is, the longer this goes on, the greater the risk to Dad's overall health as well as the dampening of his spirits. And all any of us can do is wait...and play the cards Fate deals us.