Winter Darkness

Despite my best efforts, the yearly dark period I go through is back. It is still manageable. I feel exhausted most of the time. I have alot to do and little energy to do it. I just want to sleep. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping.

I have been able to keep eating well. Things that have to get done are. The nightmares have eased up some, likely due to the 90lb Black Lab sleeping on me every night. So that is something to be grateful for. Since it isn't getting better, I have to prepare for the possibility it will get worse. Especially since things will be very busy for the next bit of time.

The plan is to keep eating healthy, try to get outside more and make sure I have lists of what needs to be done. That should cover the basics. In the meantime, I'm going to ask friends to come visit...I'd visit them but transportation is an issue at the moment. The goal is to get to turn this darkness around.

Even though it is still winter, there are signs of spring...even in the darkness, there is starlight.

Snow Day!

Here is a belated Happy New Year's to all. And a happy end to this snow day. Jet was very happy to see all the fresh snow. She'll have plenty to play in for a few days. I'm enjoying the winter this year...for now at least. I'm sure I'll be ready for spring once my seed catalogs start arriving.

I've had a fairly good fall and early winter, despite the challenges. Trying to stay positive and keep trudging away at things. Enjoying all the babies and toddlers in my life, as well as my other kids. The depression has been largely held at bay with meds, vitamins and other positive stuff. I was hoping the balance would maintain through to spring when things should balance out in life a little more.

Okay, to be honest, I wanted to stay balanced and positive through the Dark Month ie February. Guess it is going to be more difficult than I thought. My nightmares that come this time of year are back, pretty much as scheduled. I could handle those. It's the waking up at 3 in the morning that is throwing me off. Sleep is necessary for my brain to work decently.

In hopes of getting through past February 18th, I've cut way back on my coffee, I'm making an effort to eat decently, drinking Tension Tamer tea at night, and I'm going to cram in as much work as I can right now in case things do turn worse and my cognitive issues rear their head. I'm trying not to white knuckle it this year. My goal is to get through it as gently as possible while being prepared to respond quickly if I can't. Figure keeping my fingers crossed can't help.

So here is to a good night sleep and a happy brain. And maybe some more snow.

Slower pace?

I've been very bad....haven't written in a bit. Some of it is waiting for my brain to level out. Most of it is I'm either working or sleeping. One of the side effects of my treatment is than I don't have my usual chaos energy level driving me to get lots done. Not that I have less to do, mind you....I just don't have the nervous energy I used to use to get stuff done. Plus, it seems my body has decided it needs to rest up from all the times I was burning the candle at both ends. So if I'm not working, I'm either asleep or in zombie mode.

This is requiring some serious readjustment. And no, I don't like it. And yes, I'm working on it anyways because it is what is good for me in the long run. Right now, I'm white knuckling it. Work stuff, a baby shower, a first birthday and a funeral are all on the agenda for the next couple of days. If I can make it through until Sunday evening, I'll have some breathing room. And I'm planning on holding on to it. We'll just have to see how it goes trying to come at life from a slower pace. Maybe if I look at it as an adventure?

Enough Already

I just returned from the doctor. Because of ongoing issues, I'm back on both the anxiety medication and antidepressants. Really not happy about it. I refuse to have to do this long term. This means I have really got to get my act together. And I'm guessing there are going to be some unhappy people as a result. Oh well. I've had enough of this particular roller coaster.

Random bits, snips & pieces

Just in case any of you were worried I'd stopped writing again, have no fear! I had a bit of a dry spell due to my insane schedule. Thanks to a quiet house and a early morning run, I'm back to my scribbling.

The current update is I have too many part time jobs. As a result, things will be crazy for the next six weeks or so. I'm still on the hunt for the elusive full time job (with bennies, thank you very much). It however is a sneaky creature. Every time I thought I had it, it poofed! So I persevere and am holding firm on not going after something full time that even remotely resembles social work.

The numerous jobs are a financial necessity at the moment. I'm taking it as an opportunity to really work on keeping things in balance. So I'm making an effort to eat decent food, exercise and continue to do creative work. We'll see how it goes. However, if you see that Elusive Job Beast, please let me know.

As for today's blog pic...it is a sweet plaque I think the roomie and I should have for the house. Seems only fair to warn people before they come in, right?

Post spellcheck/pre-post note: I don't know if I can trust a spellcheck system that doesn't accept "poofed". It just seems wrong somehow.

Our Very Own Cowardly Lion

My roomie has a twisted love for the Wizard of Oz. I don't understand it...I run away screaming any time the movie is playing. I have also banished the Wizard of Oz calendar from the kitchen for all time (a double edged sword kind of victory...it's gone and instead I have to put up with the True Blood calendar...sigh). Yet, it still seeps into little corners of my life. For instance, we have our very own Cowardly Lion...or in our case, a Cowardly K9 (Please note, he is not MY dog).

I've written about Echo before. Generally when I talk about him it goes something along the lines of "It is a good thing he's cute...because he is dumb as a stump". Sadly, he is also the biggest wuss I have ever seen in the dog world. His latest stunt occurred this weekend. He normally does not like the vacuum cleaner. It is his norm to run away from it, occasionally turning around to face it while barking (as if to show how truly brave he is). I can understand that. Of course the fact that he now runs away then jumps in the bathtub to hide from it. That does seem a little extreme. But wait, even better...apparently he is also afraid of the ladder I'm using while working on the ceilings upstairs.

Echo's latest run in with the monstrous ladder involved running, barking and hiding in the tub (as seen in the photo)...all while also getting under my feet as I moved it to another room. Some day, I will have a normal dog. Until then, it is a good thing he is cute.

This and That

Life is a bit hectic at the moment. I'm trying to get into the swing of teaching a college class. Plus get ready for subbing at the afterschool program and balance in all my other stuff too.

This kind of crazy pace is fairly normal for me. The issue now is I really don't like running around like this anymore. It exhausts me, leaves me precious little time for the things I'd like to spend time on, and does little to help keep my mood stable. So a change is in order. I haven't worked out all the details of it yet... I do know I'm trying to be more mindful about my eating. And I plan to start running...again...once this heat breaks. But more importantly, I'm looking to make some other changes. My goal this year is to work towards more stability in my life.

Scary, I know. I usually run from stability as fast as possible. And it might not be the word I am really looking for. All I know is when I sat on the beach last Saturday, I watched the gulls floating on the waves, moving with them, but still being calm and centered. That is what I want for myself. Just have to figure out how to do it...and not freak out about it.