Suffer for Sanity

There's a great line in the song "Vincent" about having to suffer for sanity. It's a beautiful song in general, if a bit sad. But that particular line strikes a chord for me. It speaks the experience of trying to maintain normalcy - read sanity- when your own mind and body are taking you places that are anything but normal, let alone sane.

That has been what the past couple of years have been like for me. I was diagnosed officially two years ago with depression as well as an anxiety disorder. It is likely I've had them most of my life. For a long time I was better at living with it. Mainly because I totally ignored its presence in my life. Once I started college and realized things really weren't normal, I switched right into denial and all sorts of coping mechanisms that were anything but healthy. Some of you have known me that long...you know how crazy I really was. By sheer stubbornness, incredible support from my friends and just plain divine intervention, I made it through those times. Fairly battered and scarred, but alive. That is when I really started to deal with some of the issues in my life.

As a result, there are alot of people who are no longer welcome in my life. It came down to I could be the "good girl" I was raised to be or I could have some measure of sanity in my life. Some of it came out of a realization that I create enough chaos in my life without having input from anyone else. The really funny part of all of this? The more I have dealt with things and started to decide what I really want in my life...the crazier I have felt. The depression is bad enough, but the panic attacks? They really suck. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak. I'm better than I was, but I hate being out of control, especially of my own mind and body. And that is what the attacks do to me. The really, really funny part...it means I'm actually saner than I've ever been.

In this day and age, we have medicines to help with both issues. And after a great deal of soul searching, as well as a couple of well placed swats with 2X4's from the Universe, I have used them. I've also gone into counseling, returned to the faith of my childhood,, as well as to my art. The fight has been going on for two years now. We'll say the war has been a draw up until now.

I've reached a point where I realize this war may never be over. There are battles with myself I will have to fight at various points. I've had to accept this is something I can't fix by sheer force of will. My sanity is hard won some days, and I do suffer, that's the price of not giving into it. It may continue to be the price as I work to come out of the cocoon I've hidden in for the past two years, waiting for this to be fixed and go away. And, I've found that speaking about my experiences has helped some other people going through the same things...people who felt too afraid to tell anyone. That is how I felt for a long time too. I feel now that keeping it a secret only gives it strength over my day to day life. It has had too much already. I refuse to let it have any more than I have to.

Now my prayers are focused on finding a way to live my life knowing this particular demon can reappear to breath down my neck at any time. If I have to suffer through it to keep my sanity, then I want to make sure I also have created a life for myself that makes the fight worthwhile. So while I start to do that, I repeat to myself a simple prayer of protection: "St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle..." After all, who is going to mess with an archangel?