Betwixt and Between...still

A bit of time has passed since the last time I blogged. Thanksgiving has passed and the Christmas season is shortly upon us. I've gotten little things done here and there...the firewood is in the house...though not stacked yet, my garden beds have been made ready for the spring, and I have finally found some regular employment...part time and not in the environmental field but it is a job. For all of this, I am grateful.

Yet, there is still that small voice inside saying, "This isn't isn't it." Of course, that annoying little voice doesn't tell me anything else. It merely leaves me with a sense of mild discontent. As if I'm stuck betwixt and between...knowing I can't go back and not knowing where to go from this spot in space and time. In general, it is an uncomfortable feeling. It is trying to sit in this place and be patient. For me, it is also a potentially dangerous place...If I linger in this state too long, the darkness encroaches too closely for my comfort.

There is perhaps a silver lining to be found in a quote I read today. It stated, "You can't get away from your path". So maybe, I won't have to sit here long before I can see where my next step will take me.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend more time writing. It is always better to get all of this out of my head than let it run amok inside me. So my goal for right now is to write for at least half an hour a night...here on my blog. Doing this forces me to think about what I'm thinking clearly. None of the going round and round that happens in my journal that no one else sees. Guess we'll see how it goes.

Sign of Hope

Most people who know me, know I have a thing for dragonflies. I have one tattooed on my right forearm. Dragonflies show up at import events, both for me and my friend Noreen. It is kind of a thing we have with our Dads and each other. My kids all say they know when they are being watched over by me when they see a dragonfly appear out of the blue. (Hey, if it keeps them on their toes and out of trouble, who am I to argue?)

I haven't had any of my usual unusual dragonfly sightings. Kind of par for the course of how things have been lately. Until today. Kristi and I had to go shopping. While in the Christmas ornament aisle, she suddenly said "There's something you have to get". It was a sparkly dragonfly ornament. There were ones in bright pink and blue and purple. And then, there was a single gold sparkly dragonfly ornament...the only one, sitting there waiting to be plucked off the hook. It quickly went into my shopping cart.

I'm taking its appearance as a sign that things are starting to look up, that there is hope. It is now hanging on the wall directly above my desk. I may not know what the future holds. I'm not sure about anything in my life right now, let alone in the future. At least now, when I'm feeling lost, I can look at my dragonfly to remind me, that someone, somewhere is looking out for me.

I give up!

So okay, the past few months have been fairly hellacious. Most of it has been beyond my control. I've gone with the flow. I've looked for the silver lining in the most difficult times. I've even accepted, grudgingly, that I'm working on developing patience and trust, neither being strong suits of mine. I haven't questioned (much) the Divine plan.

But come on already! (Yeah, I'm throwing the whole patience and not questioning thing right out the window for the moment) I'm starting to feel kind of like my friend Coyote. I just found out I didn't get the job I wanted. I'm not being considered again for another. Most of my life, especially some of my relationships, is a wreck. And I'm sick! I mean really?! Can't the Universe find someone else to pick on for a bit? Or if there is some lesson in all this...just tell me! Enough with being coy, you know it doesn't work with me.

Okay, so I am venting. I am grateful for a couple of crucial friendships. And for the few hours of work I do have. They are some of the few things sustaining me at the moment. I know things could be much worse (Don't even THINK about it...I've got enough to deal with already, thank you very much). I just want to be able to get on with my life. So, if there is anything else, can we just get it out of the way already? Please? (Yes, I know I'm asking for it, but maybe the shock will throw the Divine off guard? Okay, probably not. But dragging things out is going to make me really crazy, so what the hell~)

Dandelions

I realized today it has been awhile since I've blogged. Some of it is that not much has changed. Despite being fairly busy, I really haven't gotten anywhere. Apparently, I'm working on patience...not one of my better virtues. So in the meantime, I'm doing what I can, around very nasty headaches and waiting for what comes next, whatever that is.

One bright spot, strangely out of place and time is the dandelion growing on our side lawn. I noticed it yesterday, Halloween, while I was walking one of the dogs. A single, bright yellow dandelion growing happily in late October. Odd, yes?

I'm choosing to take it as a positive sign. In the language of flowers, these happy, little "weeds" stand for happiness, love and faithfulness. Not a bad omen. Personally, dandelions have always been one of my favorite flowers. (Yes, further proof of how truly touched I am, I know.) They are bright and soft and can grow in the most difficult of circumstances. Is it really any wonder I loved them as a child? Plus, when they transformed to seed, they became my first magic wands. I learned to make a wish by blowing upon dandelion seeds long before I learned to make a wish with daisies.

So maybe instead of working on patience (cause really, we are talking about me here) I will focus on the enduring, gently toughness and faithfulness of the dandelion. I like that much more.

Finally!

It is a gorgeous Indian Summer day today. I had already cleaned out my clothes drawers...mainly because having to look at clothes that didn't fit me was starting to make me a little cranky. Once I finished that, I decided to test out my still tender toe to see if it could handle a light jog. I've been going stir crazy since I cracked it a couple of weeks ago. I've been wanting to start running again. I haven't been able to do any running for almost two years as a result of plantar fascitis. Between that, likely the antidepressants I was on, and a stress induced bad diet, I've gained weight, which has been making the rest of me hurt. Now that I'm off medication, running...or something equally as physical is necessary on a daily basis to keep my brain stable. (Shut Up Rowan!)

It is just too nice out today to resist giving it a try. At worst, I figured it would hurt too much and I'd have to settle for a walk. I took Echo along; one for extra resistance, and two because he needs to burn off the extra frenetic energy, just like me. (He is currently snoring in his kennel...he's a wuss). The jaunt was only 20 minutes, but I managed 3 good runs on different surfaces. My toe did fine. It is a little sensitive, so I'll tape it up next time for more stability. The rest of my body is kinda like "What the hell...". My brain is very happy...it doesn't take much for me to get the runner's high going.

So now, I can start running on a regular basis. I'm going to start making a better effort to eat healthier, you know actual real food. I've added water back into daily consumption (separate from my coffee intake) and I'm eating yogurt and walnuts and such again. I've made a deal with myself that if I do some kind of serious exercise at least 5 times a week, I can have a really sinful mocha from Panera's on the weekend. In the meantime, no more mochas at home...caffeine intake has to start coming back down. (No, I won't give it up entirely yet). Hopefully all this will one, keep my brain stable and two, let me get back into shape.

In the meantime, woooohooo, I could run today!

Grabbing a Coyote by the tail...

A littel bit of chaos is a good thing. Really it is.... Okay, so I tend to like chaos more than your average person. Well maybe like is to strong a word. Let's just say I'm really good manuevering amidst chaos. There have been many a day I've wished I was organized and disciplined...usually when I'm pulling an all-nighter in order to finish a paper on time. But, that's just not me. Sigh.
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I have learned a neat trick about chaos though. It is absolutely necessary to create any kind of order. Yep, that's me, your Paradox Girl. But its true! For example, my room/office has been a disaster for months. From the time grad school ended through to recently, everything has been a mess. As I've mentioned, my life of late has been a bit of a train wreck...or at least felt like it. (But that is a blog for another time) I finally decided to get it in order so things would be a little easier for me to manage (Frightening I know). But to do so, I had to take the chaos that existed, blow it up and then create something out of it.

The result...a nice, tidy, somewhat (okay, it is ME we are talking about here) organized bedroom/office/studio. You can even see the floors! There is of course still more chaos to tame. I have files from grad school to go through...deciding what to keep, what to recycle. Not to mention my clothes to sort through or my books to get in order. But all in all, things are much calmer in my space. With any luck, the calm will translate to me being able to sleep better at night (or at all).

So the grand cosmic lesson in all this...a little chaos can be a good thing. You have to have the courage to face it though. If you don't, it runs amok with fears, doubts and their ilk, creating all sorts of messes. So much better to grab the Coyote by the tail and create something better of your own design.

Making Wishes

I laughed when I found this picture online. I've always said training to be a faerygodmother begins early, especially when you have as many godchildren as I do...I'm not even sure how many I have. All I know is the number keeps growing and now also includes kittens and a very adorable Aussie puppy. (Don't laugh, they are easier than teenagers).
Despite various challenges, all my kiddos have good hearts...even though I'm still waiting for a couple to start using their brains...but I have faith it will come in time.
The other day it occurred to me I've been doing more time with the Cinderella routine (I was literally cleaning ashes out of the house hearth) than I have been being a Faerygodmother (this weekend excluded of course). So I thought to myself, as I was doing dishes and scrubbing floors, does this mean I get to have a faerygodmother of my own? Probably not, though if I do, she is out in Oregon so that doesn't really work. So, what does this mean?

Well, I guess it means I have to grant my own wishes. I think I've always known that. After all, my favorite childhood rhyme was Star light, Star bright...Of course to grant my own wishes, I have to figure out what I wish for upon the first evening star. So tonight, that is what I'm mulling over...what are the truest wishes in my heart? And then the catch, to remember to wish for the courage to go after them.