It's Monday night. I just got home. Unlike a certain roommate who will remain anonymous (you know who you are) I wasn't at the Pub enjoying St. Patrick's Day like a good Irish (okay, part Irish) girl should. I was at work, training potential foster parents for the State of Vermont.
Seems unfair to me. Especially since I got up early to go to a special mass.
St Patrick is the patron of the church I've attended off and on since I was a baby. Take that and it being the start of Holy Week....what can you do? I had to go anyways to light a candle and say a couple of prayers for some friends in need and for a couple of my kids. It seems alot of people I know are having some sort of serious difficulty in their life right now. Some have faith to fall back on, some don't at the moment. I figure lending some of mine can't hurt.
One special interlude this morning before mass involved my Dad and some of the older church ladies. It seems they meet regularly before daily mass to say the rosary together. Each of them takes a section, leading the prayers and asking for special intentions, such as safety in travel for a son, healing for a parishioner with cancer, etc. All of the prayers were for others. And they do it almost everyday. Just a quiet testament to faith and good will toward others.
I do things a little differently. I don't pray the rosary, not because I don't have one. I do, my mom brought it back from Ireland for me. I haven't prayed the complete rosary since I was a child. I haven't retaught myself all the prayers again. (I can just see Sister Marcel shaking her head at me. I got that alot during catechism) So in addition to lighting candles at church, I light novenas at home. While the novena candles burn, I send out prayer requests via email. Some come from me asking for prayers for someone I love. Some come via me as requests from others. The way I see it, so long as the heart is true, where the prayer is said or how it is sent doesn't matter as much. And the more hearts engaged, the better for all involved. Of course this might be part of my past issues with the Catholic church. (Don't tell Father Rick, he'd be shocked). Must be the rebel Irish blood.
Prayer must work though, I saw the true official sign of spring. Two motorcycles out for a ride! Woohoo!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Jet
Jet has got to be one of the funniest (in both the ha ha and the just a little weird meanings of the word) dogs I've ever had. She is almost a year and a half years old. We've had her since August.
She came to us with very few manners and lots of issues. Now...well I'd say she's normal, but she's really not. I like to say she's a little more touched by God than other dogs.
For example, she insists on being with me in the kitchen while I cook. If the oven timer goes off and I don't get up right away...she'll run back and forth between the oven and me, wherever I happen to be. If it goes off twice, she is not above grabbing ahold of whatever is handy with her mouth. It might be a sweater, it might be a hand.
At this moment, she is pouting. She sleeps with my roommate in her room at night. Jet firmly believes her bedtime is 8:00pm. She will start pacing at 7:30 just so we'll notice her. At 8:00, she will sit and stare at Kristi in between pacing. This will continue until either a) Kristi takes her to bed or b) she proceeds to having a tantrum. Watching a dog beat up on her doggy pillow, her balls, etc. is pretty funny. Chasing the cats, not so much, the cats usually chase back. If that doesn't work, she pouts. She will lay down between my desk and Kristi's desks. And then, she sighs, quite loudly. From her prime vantage spot, she can do the whole sorrowful, woe is me eye roll at both of us. She's trying to guilt Kristi and trying to convince me to make Kristi go to bed. Guess that means I'm alpha?
Of course, during all of this, she could just lay down and sleep. Especially if I'm not sitting on "her" corner of the couch. But she won't. Sometimes she is just too smart for her own good. I don't know where she gets it from.
She came to us with very few manners and lots of issues. Now...well I'd say she's normal, but she's really not. I like to say she's a little more touched by God than other dogs.
For example, she insists on being with me in the kitchen while I cook. If the oven timer goes off and I don't get up right away...she'll run back and forth between the oven and me, wherever I happen to be. If it goes off twice, she is not above grabbing ahold of whatever is handy with her mouth. It might be a sweater, it might be a hand.
At this moment, she is pouting. She sleeps with my roommate in her room at night. Jet firmly believes her bedtime is 8:00pm. She will start pacing at 7:30 just so we'll notice her. At 8:00, she will sit and stare at Kristi in between pacing. This will continue until either a) Kristi takes her to bed or b) she proceeds to having a tantrum. Watching a dog beat up on her doggy pillow, her balls, etc. is pretty funny. Chasing the cats, not so much, the cats usually chase back. If that doesn't work, she pouts. She will lay down between my desk and Kristi's desks. And then, she sighs, quite loudly. From her prime vantage spot, she can do the whole sorrowful, woe is me eye roll at both of us. She's trying to guilt Kristi and trying to convince me to make Kristi go to bed. Guess that means I'm alpha?
Of course, during all of this, she could just lay down and sleep. Especially if I'm not sitting on "her" corner of the couch. But she won't. Sometimes she is just too smart for her own good. I don't know where she gets it from.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Random Bits
It's hard to believe I haven't posted in almost a week. There's not much going on. Let's see. I'm on break from school for two weeks. I picked up another class to teach...World History. I start teaching the bi-annual foster parent training next week, so lots to do to prep for that....come to think of it, I should probably get on that tomorrow. I've been doing my programs at the middle school and I just started doing a teen issues group at the Teen Center. It's great, I get paid to hang out with my kids!
What else? Hmmm.... Oh yeah, I've been doing firewood deliveries with Peter. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. Last Saturday, I had one of my godbabies for the day. We planted seeds. They are part of a surprise. I can't go into it here because it is a secret. If you want to know, you'll have to email me. (Except Sparrow, I can't even tell you then, sorry!) I also had a meeting about the Wall That Heals. Make sure to put July 3-6 in your calendars. That is when the Wall will be in Newport. I was supposed to talk about it at Rolling Thunder last week but I had to miss the meeting. Slight crisis with one of the kids...all is calm... I think.
Things were busier than I realized. This weekend I have to shop for a training, I have an all day workshop Saturday and I have to find something green in my wardrobe for Monday! Plus Friday night I'm helping out with a dinner at the Teen Center. Which reminds me, I have to make my hotel reservation for April vacation. A group of the kids have raised money to go to DC. I'm going down for a couple of days. I can't wait. I only wish I could spend the whole time with them. I have to be back for the art exhibit at school. I'll post more about that another time.
I think that is all the latest news. I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay...as of yesterday at least. I do have a couple of friends who are having some rough spots, please keep them in your prayers, whatever form they take. Jet is still a knucklehead. For those who have yet to meet her in person...you'll just have to take my word for it.
I'm off to bed. I have to be up to split wood in the morning. Woohoo! (I'm serious, I actually enjoy it....lots of fresh air)
Oh, before I forget, I not only saw my first robin of the spring...I saw a whole flock of them! Spring is here! Heehee!
Hugs to all!
What else? Hmmm.... Oh yeah, I've been doing firewood deliveries with Peter. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. Last Saturday, I had one of my godbabies for the day. We planted seeds. They are part of a surprise. I can't go into it here because it is a secret. If you want to know, you'll have to email me. (Except Sparrow, I can't even tell you then, sorry!) I also had a meeting about the Wall That Heals. Make sure to put July 3-6 in your calendars. That is when the Wall will be in Newport. I was supposed to talk about it at Rolling Thunder last week but I had to miss the meeting. Slight crisis with one of the kids...all is calm... I think.
Things were busier than I realized. This weekend I have to shop for a training, I have an all day workshop Saturday and I have to find something green in my wardrobe for Monday! Plus Friday night I'm helping out with a dinner at the Teen Center. Which reminds me, I have to make my hotel reservation for April vacation. A group of the kids have raised money to go to DC. I'm going down for a couple of days. I can't wait. I only wish I could spend the whole time with them. I have to be back for the art exhibit at school. I'll post more about that another time.
I think that is all the latest news. I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay...as of yesterday at least. I do have a couple of friends who are having some rough spots, please keep them in your prayers, whatever form they take. Jet is still a knucklehead. For those who have yet to meet her in person...you'll just have to take my word for it.
I'm off to bed. I have to be up to split wood in the morning. Woohoo! (I'm serious, I actually enjoy it....lots of fresh air)
Oh, before I forget, I not only saw my first robin of the spring...I saw a whole flock of them! Spring is here! Heehee!
Hugs to all!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
And just to complicate things...
As if I wasn't having a hard enough time deciding what to do, the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Fund announced a trip to Vietnam in August. I have been wanting to go to Vietnam for a long time, but something has always come up. And now, I have to decide if I want to go, and oh, that little question of how to pay for it (details, details).
It seems alot of this trip will be about Project Renew. This project focuses on finding and safely eliminating unexploded ordinance left from the war. It is hard to imagine people are still being wounded and dying, not to mention what it does to the environment.
I'm really interested in the project, both as a graduate student in environmental studies and the daughter of someone who lost his life to an explosive device. And my birthday is in August. Maybe this is the sign I've been looking for? Or I've just been reading too much Jung in preparation for my presentation tomorrow morning. And so, goodnight...I'm away to bed.
It seems alot of this trip will be about Project Renew. This project focuses on finding and safely eliminating unexploded ordinance left from the war. It is hard to imagine people are still being wounded and dying, not to mention what it does to the environment.
I'm really interested in the project, both as a graduate student in environmental studies and the daughter of someone who lost his life to an explosive device. And my birthday is in August. Maybe this is the sign I've been looking for? Or I've just been reading too much Jung in preparation for my presentation tomorrow morning. And so, goodnight...I'm away to bed.
Betwixt and Between
I hate this time of year. The ground is still covered with snow and ice. It's still cold enough to need a coat. Yet the sun is warmer and there are definite signs of spring. I guess I'm just impatient. I want winter to be over and spring to be here fully. I'm feeling impatient alot these days.
I'm trying to decide what to do about a practicum. Or where to do one. Do I stay close to home or go away for a couple of months? What do I do about work in the meantime. Do I stay where I'm needed or do I run screaming for the hills. I have elements in my life I love and enjoy and at the same time, it feels like nothing in my life quite fits. I don't know where to go from here. Like the seasons, I'm betwixt and between.
I have faith this is serving some kind of purpose, but it doesn't make it any easier here in the present moment. It would be nice to get a hint of what it is...sort of like seeing the first crocus peeping out of the snow letting you know your faith in spring has paid off.
Oh well, off to class.
I'm trying to decide what to do about a practicum. Or where to do one. Do I stay close to home or go away for a couple of months? What do I do about work in the meantime. Do I stay where I'm needed or do I run screaming for the hills. I have elements in my life I love and enjoy and at the same time, it feels like nothing in my life quite fits. I don't know where to go from here. Like the seasons, I'm betwixt and between.
I have faith this is serving some kind of purpose, but it doesn't make it any easier here in the present moment. It would be nice to get a hint of what it is...sort of like seeing the first crocus peeping out of the snow letting you know your faith in spring has paid off.
Oh well, off to class.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Ash's Birthday Wish
One of my girls turned 16 today! It's hard to believe. It was just yesterday she was an obnoxious 6th grader. I ran to the florist's to get her flowers. She has had a rough haul the past few years. Too much to even get into here. Let's just say, she is one of my special ones. Okay, all my kids are special in their own unique twisted ways. But there are only a few of them that call me Mom and mean it. Ash is one.
I gave her the flowers before she left school. Then I ran into at the Teen Center...she had called to make sure I was going to stop by to check on another of my kids who had been MIA. While I was hanging out with them (who needs to do homework...it's only 3 papers that are due), she told me what her birthday wish was. Her older brother is serving in Iraq. She wants him home. She knew it was just a wish, so we redid it, deciding instead to turn it into a prayer for his safe return. Her greatest fear, of course, is that her wish won't come true. It's one of mine too, but I didn't tell her that. I've been able to mentor her through alot of stuff...I pray to heaven I don't have to ever help any of my kids through that.
So tonight, I'll light a novena candle and Friday, I'll light another at mass. I'll add Brandon to my regular list of those I ask be watched over (Ash is already on it) and I'll pray for peace, so they can all come home safe to their loved ones.
I gave her the flowers before she left school. Then I ran into at the Teen Center...she had called to make sure I was going to stop by to check on another of my kids who had been MIA. While I was hanging out with them (who needs to do homework...it's only 3 papers that are due), she told me what her birthday wish was. Her older brother is serving in Iraq. She wants him home. She knew it was just a wish, so we redid it, deciding instead to turn it into a prayer for his safe return. Her greatest fear, of course, is that her wish won't come true. It's one of mine too, but I didn't tell her that. I've been able to mentor her through alot of stuff...I pray to heaven I don't have to ever help any of my kids through that.
So tonight, I'll light a novena candle and Friday, I'll light another at mass. I'll add Brandon to my regular list of those I ask be watched over (Ash is already on it) and I'll pray for peace, so they can all come home safe to their loved ones.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Suffer for Sanity
There's a great line in the song "Vincent" about having to suffer for sanity. It's a beautiful song in general, if a bit sad. But that particular line strikes a chord for me. It speaks the experience of trying to maintain normalcy - read sanity- when your own mind and body are taking you places that are anything but normal, let alone sane.
That has been what the past couple of years have been like for me. I was diagnosed officially two years ago with depression as well as an anxiety disorder. It is likely I've had them most of my life. For a long time I was better at living with it. Mainly because I totally ignored its presence in my life. Once I started college and realized things really weren't normal, I switched right into denial and all sorts of coping mechanisms that were anything but healthy. Some of you have known me that long...you know how crazy I really was. By sheer stubbornness, incredible support from my friends and just plain divine intervention, I made it through those times. Fairly battered and scarred, but alive. That is when I really started to deal with some of the issues in my life.
As a result, there are alot of people who are no longer welcome in my life. It came down to I could be the "good girl" I was raised to be or I could have some measure of sanity in my life. Some of it came out of a realization that I create enough chaos in my life without having input from anyone else. The really funny part of all of this? The more I have dealt with things and started to decide what I really want in my life...the crazier I have felt. The depression is bad enough, but the panic attacks? They really suck. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak. I'm better than I was, but I hate being out of control, especially of my own mind and body. And that is what the attacks do to me. The really, really funny part...it means I'm actually saner than I've ever been.
In this day and age, we have medicines to help with both issues. And after a great deal of soul searching, as well as a couple of well placed swats with 2X4's from the Universe, I have used them. I've also gone into counseling, returned to the faith of my childhood,, as well as to my art. The fight has been going on for two years now. We'll say the war has been a draw up until now.
I've reached a point where I realize this war may never be over. There are battles with myself I will have to fight at various points. I've had to accept this is something I can't fix by sheer force of will. My sanity is hard won some days, and I do suffer, that's the price of not giving into it. It may continue to be the price as I work to come out of the cocoon I've hidden in for the past two years, waiting for this to be fixed and go away. And, I've found that speaking about my experiences has helped some other people going through the same things...people who felt too afraid to tell anyone. That is how I felt for a long time too. I feel now that keeping it a secret only gives it strength over my day to day life. It has had too much already. I refuse to let it have any more than I have to.
Now my prayers are focused on finding a way to live my life knowing this particular demon can reappear to breath down my neck at any time. If I have to suffer through it to keep my sanity, then I want to make sure I also have created a life for myself that makes the fight worthwhile. So while I start to do that, I repeat to myself a simple prayer of protection: "St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle..." After all, who is going to mess with an archangel?
That has been what the past couple of years have been like for me. I was diagnosed officially two years ago with depression as well as an anxiety disorder. It is likely I've had them most of my life. For a long time I was better at living with it. Mainly because I totally ignored its presence in my life. Once I started college and realized things really weren't normal, I switched right into denial and all sorts of coping mechanisms that were anything but healthy. Some of you have known me that long...you know how crazy I really was. By sheer stubbornness, incredible support from my friends and just plain divine intervention, I made it through those times. Fairly battered and scarred, but alive. That is when I really started to deal with some of the issues in my life.
As a result, there are alot of people who are no longer welcome in my life. It came down to I could be the "good girl" I was raised to be or I could have some measure of sanity in my life. Some of it came out of a realization that I create enough chaos in my life without having input from anyone else. The really funny part of all of this? The more I have dealt with things and started to decide what I really want in my life...the crazier I have felt. The depression is bad enough, but the panic attacks? They really suck. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak. I'm better than I was, but I hate being out of control, especially of my own mind and body. And that is what the attacks do to me. The really, really funny part...it means I'm actually saner than I've ever been.
In this day and age, we have medicines to help with both issues. And after a great deal of soul searching, as well as a couple of well placed swats with 2X4's from the Universe, I have used them. I've also gone into counseling, returned to the faith of my childhood,, as well as to my art. The fight has been going on for two years now. We'll say the war has been a draw up until now.
I've reached a point where I realize this war may never be over. There are battles with myself I will have to fight at various points. I've had to accept this is something I can't fix by sheer force of will. My sanity is hard won some days, and I do suffer, that's the price of not giving into it. It may continue to be the price as I work to come out of the cocoon I've hidden in for the past two years, waiting for this to be fixed and go away. And, I've found that speaking about my experiences has helped some other people going through the same things...people who felt too afraid to tell anyone. That is how I felt for a long time too. I feel now that keeping it a secret only gives it strength over my day to day life. It has had too much already. I refuse to let it have any more than I have to.
Now my prayers are focused on finding a way to live my life knowing this particular demon can reappear to breath down my neck at any time. If I have to suffer through it to keep my sanity, then I want to make sure I also have created a life for myself that makes the fight worthwhile. So while I start to do that, I repeat to myself a simple prayer of protection: "St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle..." After all, who is going to mess with an archangel?
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