The Future...and other oddities....

I had a job interview this evening...we'll see how it turns out. One of the questions was where do I see myself in ten years. I came up with an answer but deep down ...I'm not sure where I see myself in ten years.

One reason is nothing ever goes according to plan in my life. I make plans and the gods laugh...and then turn everything upside down. So I don't really bother making hard and fast plans. But now I'm wondering if there isn't something more to all of this...

If I'm honest, I have a phobia about the future. Mainly I don't trust it. Why plan if things are going to turn out completely different any how? So I have avoided really thinking about it. In doing so, have I let myself down. Have I stopped going after what I really want because I'm convinced it won't work out if I put the intent out there? If so, how do I stop not planning for the future? (Yes, I know how weird that sounds) How do I come up with the courage to go after what I want, to take those risks?

I really don't like this about myself. So it has to change.

Thinking....

It's another late night. Even though it is a weekend, I really should be in bed by now. I'm tired and cranky...have been all day. Well really, all week. Not sure if not being able to sleep is the cause or the result of this. Either way, it isn't helping.

When I get like this my mind acts like a hamster on a wheel....running and running to not actually get anywhere. Except that it makes me feel more cranky and stressed. It is a lovely feedback loop... And worse, it makes it difficult for me to think clearly...I start to second guess every decision. I hate when it gets like this. Even if I do all the things I should to maintain my balance, I still have to wait for these spells to pass.

So for now, I am trying not to think. I'm just waiting for this to pass. In the meantime, I'm hoping to find some peace...and maybe some sleep.

Birthday Wishes

I only have half an hour until my birthday! No need to mention the number....my kids will all tell you I am older than everything. Despite my advanced age, I'm still having difficulty coming up with this year's birthday wish.

Birthday wishes are serious things...they set the tone for the whole year. After the past couple of years and various stalls, trials and mayhem...I feel the need to take this coming year very serious. Some of the need for seriousness may be due to Hurricane Irene arriving here in New England on my birthday. (The irony being Irene is the name my mother goes by)

Some of it comes from the feeling I have been drifting along the past couple of years and enough is enough. And yet....

I am hoping inspiration comes in my sleep tonight. I don't want to waste this year's wish on the trivial. I want it to have weight and meaning to it...beyond just me. So here is a pre-birthday wish...let me choose wisely.

And to Mackenzie and Hailey...thank you girls for my flowers, my cupcake and Tink ring. And most of all, thank you for being my faerygoddaughters...I love you! And thanks to the Roomie for the sparklies. I needed some new ones.

Knowing when to stop....

Here it is...the first painting I've completed in over two years. And as is so often the case with creating art, there is a lesson to be learned. You have to know when to stop.

I knew this piece needed only one more layer to it. Once it was on though, I started to fiddle with bits here and there. In doing so, I started to undo what I had already accomplished. So for once, I stopped.

Is this piece exactly as I pictured it in my mind? Well, no...there are elements of painting that are somewhat beyond my control. Am I please with what I've made. Yes...and I hope it brings pleasure to the person it is to be gifted. It is not perfect, but it is enough.

As I ponder this, I'm realizing there are many places in my life where I need to know when to stop. Stop trying to get the results I want and accept the gift of what is. Stop trying to be what other people expect...stop doing things because I "should" rather than because I really want to.
Easier said than done in life. Certainly easier than when I was standing at my easel tonight. Now that I have this knowledge though, how can I do anything else?

Work in Progress

One of the reasons I tell my faery godchildren not to make holes in the time/space continuum is because I often fall through them. Hence why it has been 8 months since I last blogged. Or did anything creative really...

I finally realized how very stagnant my life has become. Nothing new, no taking chances, no creativity...nada. I'm not sure if it is a result of the depression or the cause of it...not that it really matters. If I go down that road I'll be even more stuck. With my birthday right around the corner, it is a opportune time to start to shake some things up.

So here I am...blogging again. And painting. The piece picture here is a work in progress. It has taken many days of sketching, blocking parts out and layers of paint. It still needs at least one more session before I leave it to dry for framing. I'm using it as a sign for myself...one step at a time.

But first, time to clean out the old...fitting for the time of year, especially with Mercury retrograde. If anyone needs books or clothes, let me know. Tomorrow I start on the closets.

PS. Let me know what you think of the painting...it is a present for a dear one!

Random Bits

It is late Monday night. I should be in bed. Instead I am waiting for the bread to rise while I work on prepping classes...and writing in my blog. It's been a rough day. Dealing with glitches caused by life and a slightly misfiring brain is taking a good deal of my energy. It seems everything takes longer and requires more effort right now...mainly because of the misfiring brain.

I am doing what I can...hoping it will pass in time. Preferrably a short amount of time. I have too much to do as it is...the timing of this is just inconvenient. And I am aware that much of it is beyond my control. It does make me realize I need to greatly simplify my life. Now if only I knen how to do that! In the meantime, I will finish my tea, go place the bread in the oven, feed the dragon and continue to work away while my brain is behaving.

And, shhh, don't tell anyone, I'm hoping for at least one snow day so I can have some quiet winter rest. (And no that doesn't mean I summoned the snow...) Here's wishing all some quiet, peaceful moments.

Winter Darkness

Despite my best efforts, the yearly dark period I go through is back. It is still manageable. I feel exhausted most of the time. I have alot to do and little energy to do it. I just want to sleep. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping.

I have been able to keep eating well. Things that have to get done are. The nightmares have eased up some, likely due to the 90lb Black Lab sleeping on me every night. So that is something to be grateful for. Since it isn't getting better, I have to prepare for the possibility it will get worse. Especially since things will be very busy for the next bit of time.

The plan is to keep eating healthy, try to get outside more and make sure I have lists of what needs to be done. That should cover the basics. In the meantime, I'm going to ask friends to come visit...I'd visit them but transportation is an issue at the moment. The goal is to get to turn this darkness around.

Even though it is still winter, there are signs of spring...even in the darkness, there is starlight.

Snow Day!

Here is a belated Happy New Year's to all. And a happy end to this snow day. Jet was very happy to see all the fresh snow. She'll have plenty to play in for a few days. I'm enjoying the winter this year...for now at least. I'm sure I'll be ready for spring once my seed catalogs start arriving.

I've had a fairly good fall and early winter, despite the challenges. Trying to stay positive and keep trudging away at things. Enjoying all the babies and toddlers in my life, as well as my other kids. The depression has been largely held at bay with meds, vitamins and other positive stuff. I was hoping the balance would maintain through to spring when things should balance out in life a little more.

Okay, to be honest, I wanted to stay balanced and positive through the Dark Month ie February. Guess it is going to be more difficult than I thought. My nightmares that come this time of year are back, pretty much as scheduled. I could handle those. It's the waking up at 3 in the morning that is throwing me off. Sleep is necessary for my brain to work decently.

In hopes of getting through past February 18th, I've cut way back on my coffee, I'm making an effort to eat decently, drinking Tension Tamer tea at night, and I'm going to cram in as much work as I can right now in case things do turn worse and my cognitive issues rear their head. I'm trying not to white knuckle it this year. My goal is to get through it as gently as possible while being prepared to respond quickly if I can't. Figure keeping my fingers crossed can't help.

So here is to a good night sleep and a happy brain. And maybe some more snow.