Some of you know what I've been up to, at least in part, for the past year. There have been some great joys, including the birth of the youngest goddaughter, Ryanne Nichole in November,graduating with my Master's Degree in Environmental Science and watching more of "my kids" graduate high school and move on with their lives. There have been some sorrows, including my Dad's declining health and the tragic loss of my brother Nate's partner, among others.
For most of the past year, I was battling my demons again. The anxiety was bad enough. When it combined with the depression this time around, it hit me in a new and disturbing way. I have always relied upon my intellect, probably too much. Academic life, school, books...these have always been my safety zone. I know what the rules are, expectations are clearly laid out and there are few if any nasty surprises to disrupt that area of calm in my life. At least until the last year, when suddenly I found myself unable to rely on my intellect. My ability to skim material and pound out a decent paper at the last minute was gone. Reading became a huge difficulty. Writing papers became almost impossible at times. And all of this in the middle of my graduate studies. My ability to communicate went out a window. I couldn't follow my own train of thought some days, let alone anyone else. I managed to get through to graduate. At the time, I did enough to get through my classes to get to May 4th - Graduation. I did not do it gracefully, or with much confidence at some points that I would make it at all.
I did what I normally do when the demons appear. Mainly I go to ground and I wait for it to pass. I know how difficult it is for those around me to watch it happen. I am so blessed to have people who love me enough to be there through it. There are other people in my life who have no idea what goes on with me. They do not have enough of a history to have seen this before. They have no way to know it will pass eventually. I realized it is because I haven't told them, much, if any of it because I haven't wanted to accept this is part of my life.
I have struggled with it for years. I kept hoping each time will be the last . Yet the more I struggled to deny its hold, the worse each round has become. I have had to make peace with this being out of my control (Yes this is me admitting there is something I cannot control). I cannot say I will not be in that dark place again. Instead I acknowledge it, find what blessings are in it and begin to heal again.
One of the blessings so far...I can no longer rely completely on my "rational" mind. Doing so may have protected me at one point in my life, but it has cost me much in my current life. Instead, I'm learning to listen to other parts of myself. It's not easy, and so far the result has been a fair amount of heartache. But I'll take that over the numbing darkness any day.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Infamous Tire Iron Incident
So what was the infamous tire iron incident you ask? A few of you have already heard the story, either directly from me or from Nia. For the rest of you, here is how the story goes...
Last November I had the opportunity to present at the Plus Time NH Afterschool Conference. Unfortunately, it was the same Saturday as the Food Sovereignty class I was taking, along with my buddy, cohort, instigator....the list really is endless (You didn't think you'd get to be sweet & innocent in all this, did you?). With some snarling up of time, travel and whatnot, I was able to schedule both events into my day with just enough time to spare. Everything was perfectly planned and prepared for ahead of time. Looking back, I should have been suspicious.
Nia stayed at our house the night before. The plan was to go to the conference, present and then book it (no of course I wouldn't speed)from Manchester to Keene to get to class. No problem. As we walked out of the house, I noticed one of my tires was a little flat. No problem, I just stopped and filled it up and we were off to Manchester. (Nia, stop giggling, I can hear you from here). The conference went well, my presentation was well received and we left with plenty of time to get to Keene with a stop at Panera's to get food and coffee. (Mmmm, mocha lattes....sorry caffeine tangent).
It was a cloudy day, the sky was just waiting to open up. No problem, we'd be in class by then. Uh-huh. Then, traveling along Route 9, about ten minutes from Keene, my car started to handle funny. Uh-oh I thought....just get me to Keene. Then I started to hear the thump...thump...thump that along with the smell of burning rubber alerted me to the fact I had a flat. Quickly pulling far over onto the shoulder...trust me you don't want to be anywhere near the traffic on that road...I stopped, got out and looked.
I couldn't just have a simple flat...no I had to have a shredded tire. Okay, I can change a tire no problem... While I was digging everything out of the back of my car, an ordeal in and of itself, Nia was trying to call a classmate to let them know we'd be a bit late. That was when it started to rain. So okay, sometimes the Universe is not particularly nice to me, but it usually works out fine. So I'm keeping my swearing to a minimum....okay, I was keeping the volume to a minimum, and I hadn't gotten to the really creative ones yet. Nia meanwhile is happily chatting away on the phone, just as a NH State trooper pulls up to help. Needless to say we were both very happy.
Granted I can change a tire, I just don't like to do it. If the damsel in distress mode gets me out of it, so much the better. The very nice trooper was happy to help. It was a good thing he did stop. The tire iron that came with Fith (aka the KIA) sucks...as does the jack. Also, the tire rim did not want to come off, at least not until I beat on it a bit. Finally we got the bad tire off and replaced with the doughnut which would get me to Keene and then home. Of course, this is all just background for the really funny part (I say funny as in ironic, Nia says funny as in HA, HA, I have to tell everyone in the cohort this!)
The Trooper's tire iron was one of those nice 4 way versions. They spin very nicely to tighten up the lug nuts. Which he was doing as he had me start lowering the jack. Unfortunately, that required my head being in the vicinity of the tire iron. Everything was coming along nicely when
*whack*. The tire iron hit me right in the forehead.
It did stun me for a second...until I could hear Nia LAUGHING. And no it did not break the tire iron as was suggested by one of my friends. The poor Trooper though. He was so embarrassed and was apologizing profusely, over Nia's LAUGHING. assured him that there were many people who would have paid to have seen it happen. Nia agreed, laughing even more (wait, why do I like you again...?). In the process, I also broke my last watch...it's that linear time thing. He hurriedly packed up and sent us on our way to class, calling out our thanks as we went.
Of course, those of you who have known me for a long time know that 1) I am stubborn, sometimes to the point of stupidity when the Universe is trying to get a message to me and 2) I am hardheaded in all sense of the word...Irish and Italian...you expect what else? The standard joke is it requires a 4x4 to the head repeatedly to get me to pay attention and follow the guidance I'm given. Apparently the 4x4 has been retired...or broken...I swear it was not intentional. The guardian angel apparently was forced to resort to tire irons.
Needless to say the story was told throughout Antioch that week. Especially since my head didn't actually start to hurt until about an hour later. Further proof of my thick head...did I mention the Irish part? So that is the story. Of course now I cannot help but wonder what will happen if I break a tire iron?
Last November I had the opportunity to present at the Plus Time NH Afterschool Conference. Unfortunately, it was the same Saturday as the Food Sovereignty class I was taking, along with my buddy, cohort, instigator....the list really is endless (You didn't think you'd get to be sweet & innocent in all this, did you?). With some snarling up of time, travel and whatnot, I was able to schedule both events into my day with just enough time to spare. Everything was perfectly planned and prepared for ahead of time. Looking back, I should have been suspicious.
Nia stayed at our house the night before. The plan was to go to the conference, present and then book it (no of course I wouldn't speed)from Manchester to Keene to get to class. No problem. As we walked out of the house, I noticed one of my tires was a little flat. No problem, I just stopped and filled it up and we were off to Manchester. (Nia, stop giggling, I can hear you from here). The conference went well, my presentation was well received and we left with plenty of time to get to Keene with a stop at Panera's to get food and coffee. (Mmmm, mocha lattes....sorry caffeine tangent).
It was a cloudy day, the sky was just waiting to open up. No problem, we'd be in class by then. Uh-huh. Then, traveling along Route 9, about ten minutes from Keene, my car started to handle funny. Uh-oh I thought....just get me to Keene. Then I started to hear the thump...thump...thump that along with the smell of burning rubber alerted me to the fact I had a flat. Quickly pulling far over onto the shoulder...trust me you don't want to be anywhere near the traffic on that road...I stopped, got out and looked.
I couldn't just have a simple flat...no I had to have a shredded tire. Okay, I can change a tire no problem... While I was digging everything out of the back of my car, an ordeal in and of itself, Nia was trying to call a classmate to let them know we'd be a bit late. That was when it started to rain. So okay, sometimes the Universe is not particularly nice to me, but it usually works out fine. So I'm keeping my swearing to a minimum....okay, I was keeping the volume to a minimum, and I hadn't gotten to the really creative ones yet. Nia meanwhile is happily chatting away on the phone, just as a NH State trooper pulls up to help. Needless to say we were both very happy.
Granted I can change a tire, I just don't like to do it. If the damsel in distress mode gets me out of it, so much the better. The very nice trooper was happy to help. It was a good thing he did stop. The tire iron that came with Fith (aka the KIA) sucks...as does the jack. Also, the tire rim did not want to come off, at least not until I beat on it a bit. Finally we got the bad tire off and replaced with the doughnut which would get me to Keene and then home. Of course, this is all just background for the really funny part (I say funny as in ironic, Nia says funny as in HA, HA, I have to tell everyone in the cohort this!)
The Trooper's tire iron was one of those nice 4 way versions. They spin very nicely to tighten up the lug nuts. Which he was doing as he had me start lowering the jack. Unfortunately, that required my head being in the vicinity of the tire iron. Everything was coming along nicely when
*whack*. The tire iron hit me right in the forehead.
It did stun me for a second...until I could hear Nia LAUGHING. And no it did not break the tire iron as was suggested by one of my friends. The poor Trooper though. He was so embarrassed and was apologizing profusely, over Nia's LAUGHING. assured him that there were many people who would have paid to have seen it happen. Nia agreed, laughing even more (wait, why do I like you again...?). In the process, I also broke my last watch...it's that linear time thing. He hurriedly packed up and sent us on our way to class, calling out our thanks as we went.
Of course, those of you who have known me for a long time know that 1) I am stubborn, sometimes to the point of stupidity when the Universe is trying to get a message to me and 2) I am hardheaded in all sense of the word...Irish and Italian...you expect what else? The standard joke is it requires a 4x4 to the head repeatedly to get me to pay attention and follow the guidance I'm given. Apparently the 4x4 has been retired...or broken...I swear it was not intentional. The guardian angel apparently was forced to resort to tire irons.
Needless to say the story was told throughout Antioch that week. Especially since my head didn't actually start to hurt until about an hour later. Further proof of my thick head...did I mention the Irish part? So that is the story. Of course now I cannot help but wonder what will happen if I break a tire iron?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
TAH DAH!
It has been a year...and a few days...oops...since I last posted. I I apologize for the long gap in between posts.
I would say it is because of my personal issues with linear time...the same issues that prevent me from wearing an actual correctly operating time piece and that change the time on my alarm clock (despite the time lock remaining firmly in place). I could make the argument and most of you would believe it. I could even argue that a certain godson of mine...I have only one officially until November...has been playing with the time/space continuum, despite strict orders from this godmother ( Don't laugh Dryad, I'll revise the contract again and you'll get them BOTH when he turns 12, hee, hee, hee)...but I digress.
The actual reason I have been lapse in posting is the past year has been long and full of various adventures, a mixed bag of them ( Envision a sack full of cats, it is sort of the same thing). Some were wonderful. others not so much, some I hope to never have to repeat experiencing again in this lifetime. All of it combined contributed to me having little time or brain power for blogging.
But that is all going to change. In honor of my birthday, I am gifting all of you with a promise to post at least once a week. I have at least 52 stories from the past year, some quite amusing to share. And since my birthday isn't until tomorrow...I'm already early! Woohoo! Quick, someone mark it on a calendar, it likely won't happen again any time soon.
I will try to post tomorrow...but I can't promise. It is my birthday and I plan to head to the ocean for the day. The laptop...which needs a name by the way...is staying home. While I will have my phone with me...it does not get a signal where I am going. Double woohoo!
Maybe I will start with the adventure I had with the tire iron...(Shut up Nia, it wasn't that funny!)
I would say it is because of my personal issues with linear time...the same issues that prevent me from wearing an actual correctly operating time piece and that change the time on my alarm clock (despite the time lock remaining firmly in place). I could make the argument and most of you would believe it. I could even argue that a certain godson of mine...I have only one officially until November...has been playing with the time/space continuum, despite strict orders from this godmother ( Don't laugh Dryad, I'll revise the contract again and you'll get them BOTH when he turns 12, hee, hee, hee)...but I digress.
The actual reason I have been lapse in posting is the past year has been long and full of various adventures, a mixed bag of them ( Envision a sack full of cats, it is sort of the same thing). Some were wonderful. others not so much, some I hope to never have to repeat experiencing again in this lifetime. All of it combined contributed to me having little time or brain power for blogging.
But that is all going to change. In honor of my birthday, I am gifting all of you with a promise to post at least once a week. I have at least 52 stories from the past year, some quite amusing to share. And since my birthday isn't until tomorrow...I'm already early! Woohoo! Quick, someone mark it on a calendar, it likely won't happen again any time soon.
I will try to post tomorrow...but I can't promise. It is my birthday and I plan to head to the ocean for the day. The laptop...which needs a name by the way...is staying home. While I will have my phone with me...it does not get a signal where I am going. Double woohoo!
Maybe I will start with the adventure I had with the tire iron...(Shut up Nia, it wasn't that funny!)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Happy News!
Wonderful news...I have a new faerygodbaby. Hailey Rene was born last night. I saw her today. She is beautiful. There is nothing better than holding a brand new life to make the world seem like an okay place. And for those who are keeping track, Hailey is my ninth godbaby.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Catching up
Okay, so I've been really bad about blogging. To be fair, I've been very, very busy. So here is the latest:
The 4th of July weekend went off almost perfectly. We had over 10,000 visitors to the Wall. Visitors came from all over New England. Many were vets who were thrilled to have the Wall be near home. One visitor was a Gold Star mother. She visits the traveling walls anytime they are near her home in VT. She always brings a bouquet of flowers and a note for her son. Then she has someone else place them at the Wall for her. She can't look at his name, even after all these years. She told me she's just not ready to give him up yet. There are lots more stories, I just can't quite write them down yet.
My grad school classes are done, projects aren't. Okay, one is all done. The other two are in the process of being worked on. The cool thing about Antioch is I do not have to do traditional work. I swear if I had had to write a research paper this summer I was going to hurt someone. So I created a handbook on working with teens in group settings. It's called "Herding Cats" (For those of you who know my kids at the NET, you understand). My other projects are illustrating and writing a book for kids on salt marshes (my favorite type of wetland) and doing a monitoring visit and an easement proposal. Do I know how to have fun or what?
The other project will be my authentication project for my practicum. Since I don't finish teaching until August 7th, I'm not worrying about that until the 8th. Then, I'll work on the curriculum. UGH! (I hate curriculum development, it is evil).
With any luck, I will have the details of my fall and spring practicum ironed out today. Though I'm still awaiting official word that I have been selected to be the student editor for the 2009 edition of the Whole Terrain Journal. We'll see after today what is what.
My garden is growing well, despite it's very late start. I expect to have the first harvests from it in the next week or so. My rosemary plant is thriving. Apparently, I can only grow them outdoors. I do have to spend a little time weeding and hoeing up the plants. I have to wrangle up red worms too, so we can start vermiculture composting in the house (Don't tell Rowan). Inside, my jasmine plant is also blossoming for the second time this year. I'm very excited since it usually only gets flowers every 18 months or so. Of course now I have to wait again to repot it. It needs a larger pot and a sturdier trellis to grow up.
Other than that, I've been taking lots of naps. For some reason, I'm not tolerating the heat very well this summer. By 8:00 in the morning, I'm generally saying it is too hot (Yes, I know, frightening isn't it?). I blame it on associating with so many snow faeries. (You know who you are) They must be rubbing off on me. Bad faeries! I just need to hang out with my dark faeries once school is back in session. They will counter the evil snow effects. Maybe we can even conjure up an Indian Summer. Hee!
The 4th of July weekend went off almost perfectly. We had over 10,000 visitors to the Wall. Visitors came from all over New England. Many were vets who were thrilled to have the Wall be near home. One visitor was a Gold Star mother. She visits the traveling walls anytime they are near her home in VT. She always brings a bouquet of flowers and a note for her son. Then she has someone else place them at the Wall for her. She can't look at his name, even after all these years. She told me she's just not ready to give him up yet. There are lots more stories, I just can't quite write them down yet.
My grad school classes are done, projects aren't. Okay, one is all done. The other two are in the process of being worked on. The cool thing about Antioch is I do not have to do traditional work. I swear if I had had to write a research paper this summer I was going to hurt someone. So I created a handbook on working with teens in group settings. It's called "Herding Cats" (For those of you who know my kids at the NET, you understand). My other projects are illustrating and writing a book for kids on salt marshes (my favorite type of wetland) and doing a monitoring visit and an easement proposal. Do I know how to have fun or what?
The other project will be my authentication project for my practicum. Since I don't finish teaching until August 7th, I'm not worrying about that until the 8th. Then, I'll work on the curriculum. UGH! (I hate curriculum development, it is evil).
With any luck, I will have the details of my fall and spring practicum ironed out today. Though I'm still awaiting official word that I have been selected to be the student editor for the 2009 edition of the Whole Terrain Journal. We'll see after today what is what.
My garden is growing well, despite it's very late start. I expect to have the first harvests from it in the next week or so. My rosemary plant is thriving. Apparently, I can only grow them outdoors. I do have to spend a little time weeding and hoeing up the plants. I have to wrangle up red worms too, so we can start vermiculture composting in the house (Don't tell Rowan). Inside, my jasmine plant is also blossoming for the second time this year. I'm very excited since it usually only gets flowers every 18 months or so. Of course now I have to wait again to repot it. It needs a larger pot and a sturdier trellis to grow up.
Other than that, I've been taking lots of naps. For some reason, I'm not tolerating the heat very well this summer. By 8:00 in the morning, I'm generally saying it is too hot (Yes, I know, frightening isn't it?). I blame it on associating with so many snow faeries. (You know who you are) They must be rubbing off on me. Bad faeries! I just need to hang out with my dark faeries once school is back in session. They will counter the evil snow effects. Maybe we can even conjure up an Indian Summer. Hee!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The Wall That Heals
I know I've been bad about updating. School, teaching and getting for the Wall That Heals has sucked up all my time. The good news, it is finally here!
The Wall arrived yesterday afternoon. The trailer was escorted from Ascutney Vt into Newport by the Sullivan County Sheriff's' Dept. (Thank you Sheriff Prozzo and Deputy Sheriff Batista) as well as by member of the American Legion Riders and Rolling Thunder NH Chapter 1. I was there as well to get some photos before running off to get photos of it coming in at Parlin Field. (We won't talk about how fast I had to drive to pull that off....wait, I forgot, I didn't drive fast, I just hit the transdimensional portals on the back roads...yeah...that's it!) I got some great photos, which I will post as soon as I get them developed.
What I didn't expect was how I felt. I've been focusing on what needs to be done. When I saw it was really here, the first thought that popped into my head is I wish Daddy was here to see it. And then I realized, if he was, likely I wouldn't have been involved in any of this. Strange but true. I had a rough time with it yesterday. Luckily it passed.
It's not a bad thing to know that part of who you are now is informed by events in your life that were beyond your control. It's all about what you do with it. I can only hope, Daddy is happy what I've done with this.
In case I don't have a chance to update again during the weekend, everyone please have a safe and happy 4th of July. Make sure to hug your friends and family. And remember, our freedom was not nor is now, free.
The Wall arrived yesterday afternoon. The trailer was escorted from Ascutney Vt into Newport by the Sullivan County Sheriff's' Dept. (Thank you Sheriff Prozzo and Deputy Sheriff Batista) as well as by member of the American Legion Riders and Rolling Thunder NH Chapter 1. I was there as well to get some photos before running off to get photos of it coming in at Parlin Field. (We won't talk about how fast I had to drive to pull that off....wait, I forgot, I didn't drive fast, I just hit the transdimensional portals on the back roads...yeah...that's it!) I got some great photos, which I will post as soon as I get them developed.
What I didn't expect was how I felt. I've been focusing on what needs to be done. When I saw it was really here, the first thought that popped into my head is I wish Daddy was here to see it. And then I realized, if he was, likely I wouldn't have been involved in any of this. Strange but true. I had a rough time with it yesterday. Luckily it passed.
It's not a bad thing to know that part of who you are now is informed by events in your life that were beyond your control. It's all about what you do with it. I can only hope, Daddy is happy what I've done with this.
In case I don't have a chance to update again during the weekend, everyone please have a safe and happy 4th of July. Make sure to hug your friends and family. And remember, our freedom was not nor is now, free.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Happy 1st Day of Summer
I've been very, very busy. Plus I've been making sure I get enough sleep so my brain actually works sort of how it is supposed to... I wanted to wish everyone a happy first day of summer. I'll post more later about what I've been doing and upcoming plans. For anyone in the area, don't forget the opening ceremony for the Wall that Heals event in Newport is July 3 at 11:00 am. Guess who one of the speakers is? Hugs and kisses to all!
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