I wanted to let everyone know I made it home safe and sound from my travels to DC with the kids. I had planned to relax...yeah right. Let's just say things were interesting...like the Chinese curse..."May you live in interesting times"...interesting. Apparently from a note I received, it got more interesting after I left.
Anyhoo...I'm home. I'm tired and very sore. I'm going to soak in a hot bath and go to bed. Jet will be wanting to take her walk in the morning and I have an environmental art project to complete before I have to take it to Keene in the evening. UGH!
At least there are only 2 more weeks to school. Then maybe I can get in some of that relaxation time.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
And the craziness just keeps coming...
I decided to take a couple of minutes to blog over lunch. I figured if I didn't post something soon, I would start getting the emails asking if I was still breathing. So for all my friends...still breathing, life is still crazy, but the sun is shining and I'm feeling pretty good about life in general. Could just be the change in treatment, but hey, whatever it takes!
I'm trying to get all my stuff together and complete. The semester ends in a couple of weeks. ACK! Plus, I'm teaching programs, classes, etc. Next week is school vacation. Normally I'd use the week to get all my work done. We all know how well I do normal. So instead, I will be helping with the clean up at a Veteran's cemetery on Saturday, going to study my Flora community site, then packing. I leave for DC at 4:00 am on Sunday. The kids from the NET are going, so I'm going down too for a couple days to be with them.
The plan is to fly home Tuesday afternoon, drive home and start in on whatever projects are due for school that week. Hopefully, by the time I get back the books I'm waiting for will have arrived. That's what I'm praying for, so I don't have to ask for an extension.
In the meantime, I'm off to play with RT and then my kids. I may drop off the radar completely, but don't worry, I'm still breathing and I'm planning on actually RELAXING for a couple of days. (And no I have not been possessed or taken over by aliens) I'll update on the rest of my life next week.
I'm trying to get all my stuff together and complete. The semester ends in a couple of weeks. ACK! Plus, I'm teaching programs, classes, etc. Next week is school vacation. Normally I'd use the week to get all my work done. We all know how well I do normal. So instead, I will be helping with the clean up at a Veteran's cemetery on Saturday, going to study my Flora community site, then packing. I leave for DC at 4:00 am on Sunday. The kids from the NET are going, so I'm going down too for a couple days to be with them.
The plan is to fly home Tuesday afternoon, drive home and start in on whatever projects are due for school that week. Hopefully, by the time I get back the books I'm waiting for will have arrived. That's what I'm praying for, so I don't have to ask for an extension.
In the meantime, I'm off to play with RT and then my kids. I may drop off the radar completely, but don't worry, I'm still breathing and I'm planning on actually RELAXING for a couple of days. (And no I have not been possessed or taken over by aliens) I'll update on the rest of my life next week.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Busy weekend
It has been a busy weekend. Not because I was doing homework. That would just be silly. Instead, I took the weekend off, sort of. I drove to Chelsea for the CPR/First Aid training through Rolling Thunder. The training was good, as was the company. It's always fun to hang out with people with the same warped sense of humor that I have. Scary as that thought is.
Driving is Massachusetts, not so much fun. I ended up getting turned around trying to get out of Chelsea. I finally drove into Boston to Logan and home from there. I stopped in Concord to pick up supplies for my final art project (does that count as homework?). I made into Newport just in time for 4pm mass. Made a couple of family visits along the way home. Once home, I vegged in front of the TV, emailed some and went to bed early. Mainly because I had to get up early. We had to walk Jet before going to Keene to do a 5K.
The roomie and I both did the race in under 40 minutes. Not to bad since I'm completely out of shape. I'm really working on eating better. After the race, we did some shopping, came home, and did pretty much nothing the rest of the day. I actually feel relaxed. At least that is what I think this feeling is...it could be a imbalance from the fresh air, sunlight and exercise.
I'm just thankful to be feeling better. My mood is leveling off and I'm focusing on here and now as much as I can to reduce my stress. And I actually have been having some fun while doing something constructive. This could be the start of a new trend.
Driving is Massachusetts, not so much fun. I ended up getting turned around trying to get out of Chelsea. I finally drove into Boston to Logan and home from there. I stopped in Concord to pick up supplies for my final art project (does that count as homework?). I made into Newport just in time for 4pm mass. Made a couple of family visits along the way home. Once home, I vegged in front of the TV, emailed some and went to bed early. Mainly because I had to get up early. We had to walk Jet before going to Keene to do a 5K.
The roomie and I both did the race in under 40 minutes. Not to bad since I'm completely out of shape. I'm really working on eating better. After the race, we did some shopping, came home, and did pretty much nothing the rest of the day. I actually feel relaxed. At least that is what I think this feeling is...it could be a imbalance from the fresh air, sunlight and exercise.
I'm just thankful to be feeling better. My mood is leveling off and I'm focusing on here and now as much as I can to reduce my stress. And I actually have been having some fun while doing something constructive. This could be the start of a new trend.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
One down...
Tonight was the last night of foster parent training for the Spring session. In some ways, it was a very short 5 weeks and in others, it went on forever, or so it seemed. I am very pleased with this group. I think they are all going to be wonderful foster parents. I'm glad I had the chance to be part of their preparation for that. I'm also glad it in finished. It means I have a couple of nights now at home. I can cook a decent meal, do some homework and get to bed earlier than I have been. I'm tired. It's not the exhaustion that comes from fighting with my demons. It's just being on the run so much.
Things are still chaotic around me. My schedule is still crazy. I'm working on what I can control and not control in all of this...necessary in demon fighting. I'm also working on why I keep myself so busy. I've always assumed it was so I didn't have to face my depression and anxiety. That would be easy. In reality, those demons are actually angels in disguise...they are my warning system that things internally and externally are really out of whack. I wish I could say it was more the external stuff, but it's not, at least not at this stage in my life.
In general, I'm at a stage where I'm realizing I have alot of regrets...mainly things I haven't accomplished more that things I have done, though there are a few of those in the mix. Part of me knows some of them are still possible. Some I feel may be beyond me at this point. Of course the tricky part is figuring out what I can still do and be able to do it while also managing my life so it's not making me feel crazy.
This is where I'm getting fouled up right now. There are many things I would like to do and could do. Except, my self confidence has taken some serious hits the past couple of years with the depression and anxiety flair ups. I'm more afraid of those getting really bad again than anything else in my life. Each one has felt worse than the last and felt like it took longer to bounce back from. I know it is mainly my perception of the past couple of years, that I'm actually handling everything in a much healthier way than before. I just don't feel it...at least not yet.
In a round about way, what led me to thinking about this tonight was something Father McHugh (the priest at mass, not my stepdad) said this morning during the prayers. He asked God for the grace to surmount the suffering we experience when we act toward a higher good. I've been talking to some of my kids about something similar. We like to think doing the right thing, for ourselves or others, will be easy and pain free. I don't believe that is true. Quite the opposite, I believe that doing what we know is right in our hearts is often the most difficult and painful thing we can do. What makes the difference is the grace we receive when we follow our heart's true calling. That is when all the suffering has been worth it. It is bittersweet, but then so is life.
Things are still chaotic around me. My schedule is still crazy. I'm working on what I can control and not control in all of this...necessary in demon fighting. I'm also working on why I keep myself so busy. I've always assumed it was so I didn't have to face my depression and anxiety. That would be easy. In reality, those demons are actually angels in disguise...they are my warning system that things internally and externally are really out of whack. I wish I could say it was more the external stuff, but it's not, at least not at this stage in my life.
In general, I'm at a stage where I'm realizing I have alot of regrets...mainly things I haven't accomplished more that things I have done, though there are a few of those in the mix. Part of me knows some of them are still possible. Some I feel may be beyond me at this point. Of course the tricky part is figuring out what I can still do and be able to do it while also managing my life so it's not making me feel crazy.
This is where I'm getting fouled up right now. There are many things I would like to do and could do. Except, my self confidence has taken some serious hits the past couple of years with the depression and anxiety flair ups. I'm more afraid of those getting really bad again than anything else in my life. Each one has felt worse than the last and felt like it took longer to bounce back from. I know it is mainly my perception of the past couple of years, that I'm actually handling everything in a much healthier way than before. I just don't feel it...at least not yet.
In a round about way, what led me to thinking about this tonight was something Father McHugh (the priest at mass, not my stepdad) said this morning during the prayers. He asked God for the grace to surmount the suffering we experience when we act toward a higher good. I've been talking to some of my kids about something similar. We like to think doing the right thing, for ourselves or others, will be easy and pain free. I don't believe that is true. Quite the opposite, I believe that doing what we know is right in our hearts is often the most difficult and painful thing we can do. What makes the difference is the grace we receive when we follow our heart's true calling. That is when all the suffering has been worth it. It is bittersweet, but then so is life.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Sunshine...finally
We have finally had a really sunny day! And the promise of more to come and warm temperatures. Maybe spring is really here. Thank heavens. Much more cold and cloudy weather would push me right over the edge.
I succeeded in getting the classes I want for the summer. I may be able to expand my practicum into a 4 credit instead of a 2. Then I would be half way done with my total practicum credits. Have to work on the plan so it will work. It was worth staying up late last night just to get this all taken care of. The summer will also mean I have more free time in spots. Not all the spots connect, but that is okay. Give me too much free time or horror of horrors, a real vacation, I get weird ...in the bad way. Most of the time I'm just weird, in a cute and mildly obnoxious way. It comes from working with teens all these years. (That is my story and I am sticking to it)
I decided I need to do something to start building in some free time. People keeps telling me I need to get more rest. This is coming from people who haven't physically seen me looking like the undead so I'm guessing it's one of those cosmic signs. The ones that turn into 2x4's to the head, though in my case, I'm fairly sure the guardian angels go straight to the steel reinforced 4x4's. Hey,I can admit I'm stubborn. It's part of my charm. I'm working on being a little more open to the suggestions from beyond ( and occasional people). Nowadays, it only takes two or three hits to the head. See, progress.
On the note of progress and taking proper care of myself, I'm off to bed. I'm going to mass in the morning. Lots of my people needing prayers these days. With everything going on around me, let alone in my head, I need the grounding that I get at mass. I'm praying the sunlight and warmth continue. I think it will help alot of people feel better, including me.
I succeeded in getting the classes I want for the summer. I may be able to expand my practicum into a 4 credit instead of a 2. Then I would be half way done with my total practicum credits. Have to work on the plan so it will work. It was worth staying up late last night just to get this all taken care of. The summer will also mean I have more free time in spots. Not all the spots connect, but that is okay. Give me too much free time or horror of horrors, a real vacation, I get weird ...in the bad way. Most of the time I'm just weird, in a cute and mildly obnoxious way. It comes from working with teens all these years. (That is my story and I am sticking to it)
I decided I need to do something to start building in some free time. People keeps telling me I need to get more rest. This is coming from people who haven't physically seen me looking like the undead so I'm guessing it's one of those cosmic signs. The ones that turn into 2x4's to the head, though in my case, I'm fairly sure the guardian angels go straight to the steel reinforced 4x4's. Hey,I can admit I'm stubborn. It's part of my charm. I'm working on being a little more open to the suggestions from beyond ( and occasional people). Nowadays, it only takes two or three hits to the head. See, progress.
On the note of progress and taking proper care of myself, I'm off to bed. I'm going to mass in the morning. Lots of my people needing prayers these days. With everything going on around me, let alone in my head, I need the grounding that I get at mass. I'm praying the sunlight and warmth continue. I think it will help alot of people feel better, including me.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Joys of Grad School
It has been a crazy day. Got lots done this morning. Then I was off to get a massage...my body feels much better now. Then I flew (I'm pretty sure the car left the ground at least once) to the Teen Center with kiddos having meltdowns all over the place and then I rushed to Vermont to train foster parents on the joys of? Adolescents! I didn't see home again until 9:30 pm. I should be exhausted...wait, I am exhausted. So why am I up at this insane hour, especially since I have an 8:00am meeting. Because I'm crazy? Well, I am slightly more touched by the Divine than some, I'm trying to learn to just go with it. But that isn't the reason I am still awake at this hour. Oh no, it's far more twisted than that, it's all because of grad school.
Some people might think I was up this late doing homework since it is almost the end of the semester. Those of you who know me well know how funny that thought really is. No, I'm waiting until 12:01 am on April 15th to register for my summer courses. Normally I would just do it tomorrow morning.However, there are two classes that everyone I know is trying to get into, so I have to register as early as possible. Sadly, that is 12:01 in the morning. Who says folks in the registration office don't have a warped sense of humor obviously does not attend Antioch.
As a result, I'm typing away here. I've already packed my bag for my morning meeting and gathered together my materials for my Tuesday night class. (Be very afraid people) I have also put away all the clean dishes, emptied the dirty ones into the dishwasher, switched over my laundry and started another load. Times like this I scare myself. One of these days I might actually begin to think I'm an organized, responsible adult. Ackkkk! The horror of it.
Some people might think I was up this late doing homework since it is almost the end of the semester. Those of you who know me well know how funny that thought really is. No, I'm waiting until 12:01 am on April 15th to register for my summer courses. Normally I would just do it tomorrow morning.However, there are two classes that everyone I know is trying to get into, so I have to register as early as possible. Sadly, that is 12:01 in the morning. Who says folks in the registration office don't have a warped sense of humor obviously does not attend Antioch.
As a result, I'm typing away here. I've already packed my bag for my morning meeting and gathered together my materials for my Tuesday night class. (Be very afraid people) I have also put away all the clean dishes, emptied the dirty ones into the dishwasher, switched over my laundry and started another load. Times like this I scare myself. One of these days I might actually begin to think I'm an organized, responsible adult. Ackkkk! The horror of it.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Thank goodness for angels
I haven't written in a few days. My schedule has been very full, as usual. In some ways it has been a blessing. I had class this weekend. It forced me to do some work. Most importantly, it got me outside both days. That combined with a concerted effort to get enough sleep and eat better, as well as a medication shift has greatly improved my mood.
A few other things have helped. I've had a few visitations from doves the past few days. Always a good sign. The other came via a little brown bird I know. In a chat we had during one of my not so hot days, she told me to pay attention to signs, especially at mass (I'm mainly Irish and Italian...what else would you expect?). Strangely enough I made it to mass this week, because my class schedule changed due to a shift in the weather report. And the message? Don't give up and stay on track. Simple and to the point.
Lucky for me, I have angels watching over me.
A few other things have helped. I've had a few visitations from doves the past few days. Always a good sign. The other came via a little brown bird I know. In a chat we had during one of my not so hot days, she told me to pay attention to signs, especially at mass (I'm mainly Irish and Italian...what else would you expect?). Strangely enough I made it to mass this week, because my class schedule changed due to a shift in the weather report. And the message? Don't give up and stay on track. Simple and to the point.
Lucky for me, I have angels watching over me.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Blahs
I'm not even sure what to write. I'm here tonight mainly because I can't sleep. Not because of too much caffeine. I wish it was that. I haven't even finished the cup of team I made when I got home from work. My brain just won't slow down.
Instead it's a combination of feeling overwhelmed and numb, at the same time, if that makes any sense. I had hoped the sun and the warm weather would help to lift my mood some, get it out of the root cellar it seems to be hiding in. But no such luck. If anything, I feel worse because I can't really seem to enjoy it. I can cope so long as I'm doing something...something other than homework that is, which is adding to my anxiety and so on and so forth. Put it all together and I'm a mess...one with inhibited executive functioning.
The really crazy part...things should be fine, going according to plan. Except they aren't. Makes me wonder if I'm on the wrong plan...or the wrong timetable or something. All I know is I have to make some significant changes before this gets anymore out of control. I'm just not sure I trust myself to figure out what is the best thing for me right now. Following through on what is best for me...whole other issue.
Right now, some clear guidance and a little help would make a world of difference. Guess I'll have to wait for my guardian angel to get back from coffee break.
Instead it's a combination of feeling overwhelmed and numb, at the same time, if that makes any sense. I had hoped the sun and the warm weather would help to lift my mood some, get it out of the root cellar it seems to be hiding in. But no such luck. If anything, I feel worse because I can't really seem to enjoy it. I can cope so long as I'm doing something...something other than homework that is, which is adding to my anxiety and so on and so forth. Put it all together and I'm a mess...one with inhibited executive functioning.
The really crazy part...things should be fine, going according to plan. Except they aren't. Makes me wonder if I'm on the wrong plan...or the wrong timetable or something. All I know is I have to make some significant changes before this gets anymore out of control. I'm just not sure I trust myself to figure out what is the best thing for me right now. Following through on what is best for me...whole other issue.
Right now, some clear guidance and a little help would make a world of difference. Guess I'll have to wait for my guardian angel to get back from coffee break.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Brain in Rebellion
I haven't written here for a few days. Some of the reason is I've been incredibly busy. The other reason...my brain has decided to raise its own little rebellion. Basically, my anxiety attacks are coming daily and the depression is back. I've tried to explain to the brain that this is not a convenient time to do this. I have professional responsibilities plus it is almost the end of the semester. My brains response? Another anxiety attack and not being able to spell simple words...like "the". Cute, huh?
I'm being very responsible and taking the necessary medications. My other tricks to help...not really working. It might have something with my language center being out to lunch at the moment. Simple conversations are challenging...I can't track them very well and words keep escaping me. I know what I want to say...the words just run away before I can speak. Not a good thing when I have presentations to give and papers to write.
So I'm falling back on some other tricks. I went to church, late mass, but I still made it. I did some painting this evening. I ate one healthy meal today and I decided to not do two of the things I wanted to do today. I hated it, but I know I've already pushed myself about as far as I can. I did discover something interesting about my language issues though. Apparently it doesn't apply to prayer. I spent part of a recent car ride trying to stay, okay not calm, I was way beyond that, but at least level enough to get where I needed to get. I recited the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Prayer to St. Micheal over and over again. Apparently they are in the subconscious deep enough that the anxiety can't touch them. Lucky for me, because God knows I wasn't capable of coming up with any of my own prayers at that point.
Of course, I should be in bed at this hour since sleep is one of those key elements to sanity. It would help if I was tired, but I'm not. So I will read in bed until either my alarm goes off or I fall asleep. And I'll say a prayer that this passes quickly. Here's hope, I only spelled one word wrong while writing this...okay I spelled alot of them wrong, I only missed fixing one on my own.
I'm being very responsible and taking the necessary medications. My other tricks to help...not really working. It might have something with my language center being out to lunch at the moment. Simple conversations are challenging...I can't track them very well and words keep escaping me. I know what I want to say...the words just run away before I can speak. Not a good thing when I have presentations to give and papers to write.
So I'm falling back on some other tricks. I went to church, late mass, but I still made it. I did some painting this evening. I ate one healthy meal today and I decided to not do two of the things I wanted to do today. I hated it, but I know I've already pushed myself about as far as I can. I did discover something interesting about my language issues though. Apparently it doesn't apply to prayer. I spent part of a recent car ride trying to stay, okay not calm, I was way beyond that, but at least level enough to get where I needed to get. I recited the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Prayer to St. Micheal over and over again. Apparently they are in the subconscious deep enough that the anxiety can't touch them. Lucky for me, because God knows I wasn't capable of coming up with any of my own prayers at that point.
Of course, I should be in bed at this hour since sleep is one of those key elements to sanity. It would help if I was tired, but I'm not. So I will read in bed until either my alarm goes off or I fall asleep. And I'll say a prayer that this passes quickly. Here's hope, I only spelled one word wrong while writing this...okay I spelled alot of them wrong, I only missed fixing one on my own.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
A little woohoo!
I just arrived safely home from my Rolling Thunder chapter meeting. After two plus hours of driving through fog....lots and lots of heavy fog (let's just say someone is in trouble for that one), then torrential downpours, thunder and lightening and then surprise...more fog. (You know who you are...I expect chocolate).
Anyhoo...the little woohoo? I got my boot patch and my first cookie. Yay me! Of course, now I have to get a leather vest. I'd get a jacket, but it will be too hot to wear in DC for the RT events over Memorial Day.
I'm off to sleep (I hope). Up early again tomorrow. Is is July 2009 yet?
Anyhoo...the little woohoo? I got my boot patch and my first cookie. Yay me! Of course, now I have to get a leather vest. I'd get a jacket, but it will be too hot to wear in DC for the RT events over Memorial Day.
I'm off to sleep (I hope). Up early again tomorrow. Is is July 2009 yet?
Clouds just won't clear out
It's one of those days. Outside, it is grey. The sky, the fog, everything. Inside, my mood fits. I even inadvertently put on a grey sweater as I ran out to a morning meeting. Not a good sign. I wish the clouds would clear already, outside and especially in my head.
Of course the part that really sucks...I did this one to myself...again. I've been pushing myself like crazy for weeks. Add juggling events that came up spur of the moment, and it really goes downhill from there. The worst part, I still have two and a half weeks before my schedule opens up even a little. Actually, that is the second worst part, the real worst part, I'm having to fight with myself to not start adding other things in. And I'm not talking about fun things either. Ugh!
Oh well. In the meantime, I have to finish the laundry, take a shower, get ready for work, etc. Have to remember to gas the car too. I've managed to forget three times now. I do it again, I'll be stranded on my way to tonight's meeting. Maybe while I'm doing that I can get the cats to do my homework. They keep taking over my desk chair, seems only fair they do the homework sitting there.
Of course the part that really sucks...I did this one to myself...again. I've been pushing myself like crazy for weeks. Add juggling events that came up spur of the moment, and it really goes downhill from there. The worst part, I still have two and a half weeks before my schedule opens up even a little. Actually, that is the second worst part, the real worst part, I'm having to fight with myself to not start adding other things in. And I'm not talking about fun things either. Ugh!
Oh well. In the meantime, I have to finish the laundry, take a shower, get ready for work, etc. Have to remember to gas the car too. I've managed to forget three times now. I do it again, I'll be stranded on my way to tonight's meeting. Maybe while I'm doing that I can get the cats to do my homework. They keep taking over my desk chair, seems only fair they do the homework sitting there.
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