The Future...and other oddities....

I had a job interview this evening...we'll see how it turns out. One of the questions was where do I see myself in ten years. I came up with an answer but deep down ...I'm not sure where I see myself in ten years.

One reason is nothing ever goes according to plan in my life. I make plans and the gods laugh...and then turn everything upside down. So I don't really bother making hard and fast plans. But now I'm wondering if there isn't something more to all of this...

If I'm honest, I have a phobia about the future. Mainly I don't trust it. Why plan if things are going to turn out completely different any how? So I have avoided really thinking about it. In doing so, have I let myself down. Have I stopped going after what I really want because I'm convinced it won't work out if I put the intent out there? If so, how do I stop not planning for the future? (Yes, I know how weird that sounds) How do I come up with the courage to go after what I want, to take those risks?

I really don't like this about myself. So it has to change.

Thinking....

It's another late night. Even though it is a weekend, I really should be in bed by now. I'm tired and cranky...have been all day. Well really, all week. Not sure if not being able to sleep is the cause or the result of this. Either way, it isn't helping.

When I get like this my mind acts like a hamster on a wheel....running and running to not actually get anywhere. Except that it makes me feel more cranky and stressed. It is a lovely feedback loop... And worse, it makes it difficult for me to think clearly...I start to second guess every decision. I hate when it gets like this. Even if I do all the things I should to maintain my balance, I still have to wait for these spells to pass.

So for now, I am trying not to think. I'm just waiting for this to pass. In the meantime, I'm hoping to find some peace...and maybe some sleep.