Star's Front Porch

The Future...and other oddities....

2011-09-14T21:59:00.003-04:00

I had a job interview this evening...we'll see how it turns out. One of the questions was where do I see myself in ten years. I came up with an answer but deep down ...I'm not sure where I see myself in ten years.

One reason is nothing ever goes according to plan in my life. I make plans and the gods laugh...and then turn everything upside down. So I don't really bother making hard and fast plans. But now I'm wondering if there isn't something more to all of this...

If I'm honest, I have a phobia about the future. Mainly I don't trust it. Why plan if things are going to turn out completely different any how? So I have avoided really thinking about it. In doing so, have I let myself down. Have I stopped going after what I really want because I'm convinced it won't work out if I put the intent out there? If so, how do I stop not planning for the future? (Yes, I know how weird that sounds) How do I come up with the courage to go after what I want, to take those risks?

I really don't like this about myself. So it has to change.

Thinking....

2011-09-11T00:32:00.003-04:00

It's another late night. Even though it is a weekend, I really should be in bed by now. I'm tired and cranky...have been all day. Well really, all week. Not sure if not being able to sleep is the cause or the result of this. Either way, it isn't helping.

When I get like this my mind acts like a hamster on a wheel....running and running to not actually get anywhere. Except that it makes me feel more cranky and stressed. It is a lovely feedback loop... And worse, it makes it difficult for me to think clearly...I start to second guess every decision. I hate when it gets like this. Even if I do all the things I should to maintain my balance, I still have to wait for these spells to pass.

So for now, I am trying not to think. I'm just waiting for this to pass. In the meantime, I'm hoping to find some peace...and maybe some sleep.

Birthday Wishes

2011-08-27T23:26:00.004-04:00

I only have half an hour until my birthday! No need to mention the number....my kids will all tell you I am older than everything. Despite my advanced age, I'm still having difficulty coming up with this year's birthday wish.

Birthday wishes are serious things...they set the tone for the whole year. After the past couple of years and various stalls, trials and mayhem...I feel the need to take this coming year very serious. Some of the need for seriousness may be due to Hurricane Irene arriving here in New England on my birthday. (The irony being Irene is the name my mother goes by)

Some of it comes from the feeling I have been drifting along the past couple of years and enough is enough. And yet....

I am hoping inspiration comes in my sleep tonight. I don't want to waste this year's wish on the trivial. I want it to have weight and meaning to it...beyond just me. So here is a pre-birthday wish...let me choose wisely.

And to Mackenzie and Hailey...thank you girls for my flowers, my cupcake and Tink ring. And most of all, thank you for being my faerygoddaughters...I love you! And thanks to the Roomie for the sparklies. I needed some new ones.

Knowing when to stop....

2011-08-20T23:46:00.003-04:00

Here it is...the first painting I've completed in over two years. And as is so often the case with creating art, there is a lesson to be learned. You have to know when to stop.

I knew this piece needed only one more layer to it. Once it was on though, I started to fiddle with bits here and there. In doing so, I started to undo what I had already accomplished. So for once, I stopped.

Is this piece exactly as I pictured it in my mind? Well, no...there are elements of painting that are somewhat beyond my control. Am I please with what I've made. Yes...and I hope it brings pleasure to the person it is to be gifted. It is not perfect, but it is enough.

As I ponder this, I'm realizing there are many places in my life where I need to know when to stop. Stop trying to get the results I want and accept the gift of what is. Stop trying to be what other people expect...stop doing things because I "should" rather than because I really want to.
Easier said than done in life. Certainly easier than when I was standing at my easel tonight. Now that I have this knowledge though, how can I do anything else?

Work in Progress

2011-08-19T22:29:00.003-04:00

One of the reasons I tell my faery godchildren not to make holes in the time/space continuum is because I often fall through them. Hence why it has been 8 months since I last blogged. Or did anything creative really...

I finally realized how very stagnant my life has become. Nothing new, no taking chances, no creativity...nada. I'm not sure if it is a result of the depression or the cause of it...not that it really matters. If I go down that road I'll be even more stuck. With my birthday right around the corner, it is a opportune time to start to shake some things up.

So here I am...blogging again. And painting. The piece picture here is a work in progress. It has taken many days of sketching, blocking parts out and layers of paint. It still needs at least one more session before I leave it to dry for framing. I'm using it as a sign for myself...one step at a time.

But first, time to clean out the old...fitting for the time of year, especially with Mercury retrograde. If anyone needs books or clothes, let me know. Tomorrow I start on the closets.

PS. Let me know what you think of the painting...it is a present for a dear one!

Random Bits

2011-01-31T22:26:00.002-05:00

It is late Monday night. I should be in bed. Instead I am waiting for the bread to rise while I work on prepping classes...and writing in my blog. It's been a rough day. Dealing with glitches caused by life and a slightly misfiring brain is taking a good deal of my energy. It seems everything takes longer and requires more effort right now...mainly because of the misfiring brain.

I am doing what I can...hoping it will pass in time. Preferrably a short amount of time. I have too much to do as it is...the timing of this is just inconvenient. And I am aware that much of it is beyond my control. It does make me realize I need to greatly simplify my life. Now if only I knen how to do that! In the meantime, I will finish my tea, go place the bread in the oven, feed the dragon and continue to work away while my brain is behaving.

And, shhh, don't tell anyone, I'm hoping for at least one snow day so I can have some quiet winter rest. (And no that doesn't mean I summoned the snow...) Here's wishing all some quiet, peaceful moments.

Winter Darkness

2011-01-19T10:55:00.003-05:00

Despite my best efforts, the yearly dark period I go through is back. It is still manageable. I feel exhausted most of the time. I have alot to do and little energy to do it. I just want to sleep. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping.

I have been able to keep eating well. Things that have to get done are. The nightmares have eased up some, likely due to the 90lb Black Lab sleeping on me every night. So that is something to be grateful for. Since it isn't getting better, I have to prepare for the possibility it will get worse. Especially since things will be very busy for the next bit of time.

The plan is to keep eating healthy, try to get outside more and make sure I have lists of what needs to be done. That should cover the basics. In the meantime, I'm going to ask friends to come visit...I'd visit them but transportation is an issue at the moment. The goal is to get to turn this darkness around.

Even though it is still winter, there are signs of spring...even in the darkness, there is starlight.

Snow Day!

2011-01-12T20:08:00.004-05:00

Here is a belated Happy New Year's to all. And a happy end to this snow day. Jet was very happy to see all the fresh snow. She'll have plenty to play in for a few days. I'm enjoying the winter this year...for now at least. I'm sure I'll be ready for spring once my seed catalogs start arriving.

I've had a fairly good fall and early winter, despite the challenges. Trying to stay positive and keep trudging away at things. Enjoying all the babies and toddlers in my life, as well as my other kids. The depression has been largely held at bay with meds, vitamins and other positive stuff. I was hoping the balance would maintain through to spring when things should balance out in life a little more.

Okay, to be honest, I wanted to stay balanced and positive through the Dark Month ie February. Guess it is going to be more difficult than I thought. My nightmares that come this time of year are back, pretty much as scheduled. I could handle those. It's the waking up at 3 in the morning that is throwing me off. Sleep is necessary for my brain to work decently.

In hopes of getting through past February 18th, I've cut way back on my coffee, I'm making an effort to eat decently, drinking Tension Tamer tea at night, and I'm going to cram in as much work as I can right now in case things do turn worse and my cognitive issues rear their head. I'm trying not to white knuckle it this year. My goal is to get through it as gently as possible while being prepared to respond quickly if I can't. Figure keeping my fingers crossed can't help.

So here is to a good night sleep and a happy brain. And maybe some more snow.

Slower pace?

2010-10-20T21:38:00.003-04:00

I've been very bad....haven't written in a bit. Some of it is waiting for my brain to level out. Most of it is I'm either working or sleeping. One of the side effects of my treatment is than I don't have my usual chaos energy level driving me to get lots done. Not that I have less to do, mind you....I just don't have the nervous energy I used to use to get stuff done. Plus, it seems my body has decided it needs to rest up from all the times I was burning the candle at both ends. So if I'm not working, I'm either asleep or in zombie mode.

This is requiring some serious readjustment. And no, I don't like it. And yes, I'm working on it anyways because it is what is good for me in the long run. Right now, I'm white knuckling it. Work stuff, a baby shower, a first birthday and a funeral are all on the agenda for the next couple of days. If I can make it through until Sunday evening, I'll have some breathing room. And I'm planning on holding on to it. We'll just have to see how it goes trying to come at life from a slower pace. Maybe if I look at it as an adventure?

Enough Already

2010-09-27T12:03:00.002-04:00

I just returned from the doctor. Because of ongoing issues, I'm back on both the anxiety medication and antidepressants. Really not happy about it. I refuse to have to do this long term. This means I have really got to get my act together. And I'm guessing there are going to be some unhappy people as a result. Oh well. I've had enough of this particular roller coaster.

Random bits, snips & pieces

2010-09-19T09:03:00.003-04:00

Just in case any of you were worried I'd stopped writing again, have no fear! I had a bit of a dry spell due to my insane schedule. Thanks to a quiet house and a early morning run, I'm back to my scribbling.

The current update is I have too many part time jobs. As a result, things will be crazy for the next six weeks or so. I'm still on the hunt for the elusive full time job (with bennies, thank you very much). It however is a sneaky creature. Every time I thought I had it, it poofed! So I persevere and am holding firm on not going after something full time that even remotely resembles social work.

The numerous jobs are a financial necessity at the moment. I'm taking it as an opportunity to really work on keeping things in balance. So I'm making an effort to eat decent food, exercise and continue to do creative work. We'll see how it goes. However, if you see that Elusive Job Beast, please let me know.

As for today's blog pic...it is a sweet plaque I think the roomie and I should have for the house. Seems only fair to warn people before they come in, right?

Post spellcheck/pre-post note: I don't know if I can trust a spellcheck system that doesn't accept "poofed". It just seems wrong somehow.

Our Very Own Cowardly Lion

2010-09-06T20:14:00.002-04:00

My roomie has a twisted love for the Wizard of Oz. I don't understand it...I run away screaming any time the movie is playing. I have also banished the Wizard of Oz calendar from the kitchen for all time (a double edged sword kind of victory...it's gone and instead I have to put up with the True Blood calendar...sigh). Yet, it still seeps into little corners of my life. For instance, we have our very own Cowardly Lion...or in our case, a Cowardly K9 (Please note, he is not MY dog).

I've written about Echo before. Generally when I talk about him it goes something along the lines of "It is a good thing he's cute...because he is dumb as a stump". Sadly, he is also the biggest wuss I have ever seen in the dog world. His latest stunt occurred this weekend. He normally does not like the vacuum cleaner. It is his norm to run away from it, occasionally turning around to face it while barking (as if to show how truly brave he is). I can understand that. Of course the fact that he now runs away then jumps in the bathtub to hide from it. That does seem a little extreme. But wait, even better...apparently he is also afraid of the ladder I'm using while working on the ceilings upstairs.

Echo's latest run in with the monstrous ladder involved running, barking and hiding in the tub (as seen in the photo)...all while also getting under my feet as I moved it to another room. Some day, I will have a normal dog. Until then, it is a good thing he is cute.

This and That

2010-09-01T20:38:00.004-04:00

Life is a bit hectic at the moment. I'm trying to get into the swing of teaching a college class. Plus get ready for subbing at the afterschool program and balance in all my other stuff too.

This kind of crazy pace is fairly normal for me. The issue now is I really don't like running around like this anymore. It exhausts me, leaves me precious little time for the things I'd like to spend time on, and does little to help keep my mood stable. So a change is in order. I haven't worked out all the details of it yet... I do know I'm trying to be more mindful about my eating. And I plan to start running...again...once this heat breaks. But more importantly, I'm looking to make some other changes. My goal this year is to work towards more stability in my life.

Scary, I know. I usually run from stability as fast as possible. And it might not be the word I am really looking for. All I know is when I sat on the beach last Saturday, I watched the gulls floating on the waves, moving with them, but still being calm and centered. That is what I want for myself. Just have to figure out how to do it...and not freak out about it.

Unavailable for the next 24 hours....

2010-08-27T21:24:00.004-04:00

Per order of the voices (kidding....maybe), I will be unavailable for at least the next 24 hours. In hopes of restoring my mental health, I am running away to locations unknown to celebrate my birthday (Okay, some of you know where...so shush, it's a secret!). All traditional forms of communication will be shut off during that period (Starting tonight). For those of you who use birds, songs, etc (y'all know who you are) ....it's not like I can block those...so knock yourselves out. I just won't be getting back to you until Sunday at the earliest.

XO & ****

Love,

Star

In serious need of a fix

2010-08-25T10:20:00.003-04:00

I am in serious need of an ocean fix. I haven't been to the ocean since June.
I tend to avoid the coast over the summer in order to avoid the tourists. Between the fact that they are people and that a number of them leave my favorite beaches a mess, it's just better to avoid the whole thing.

I can usually get through until September or so. Not so much this year...I've been landbound too long already. I'm tired, I'm stressed and as a result, I'm getting bitchier and more depressed by the minute. So I am going to go to get my fix of ocean breezes, salt water and my gulls. It is going to be my birthday present to myself. The plan is to leave early Saturday morning and not come home until past nightfall. The true brilliance of the plan is that where I am going, my cell phone does not work. I'm turning it off anyways, just in case (Mercury retrograde is funny that way). The only creatures I plan on speaking with are my gulls. Along with the ocean, I desperately need the peace and quiet that comes with it.

So for those planning to call, text or email me on Saturday, I won't be getting back to you until Sunday at the earliest. If I don't post a blog between now and then, have a great weekend.

Can I have a Faerygodmother?

2010-08-23T13:38:00.003-04:00

This is my second attempt at a blog entry today. I'm guessing the faeries didn't like the first one, so they made it disappear. They are so friendly like that. So I'm changing my tack a bit.

I was originally writing about birthday wishes and what not. But the reality is, I want my own faerygodmother. Yes, yes, it is probably against the rules...that whole being a faerygodmother myself. But, hey, rules are made to be broken (just not by any of my godchildren...they tend to play with space, time and whatnot). So I want a faerygodmother.

I am willing to be fair about this. I know I'd never do well with one of the FGM such as Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty had. I'm just not damsel in distress, be saved by a handsome (but dim...really) prince. I'm more likely to get along with the so-called "bad" faery from Sleeping Beauty (see above...please note the raven...just saying). Even as a child, she was my favorite.

Think about it, wouldn't you be ticked off if you were the only one NOT invited? Silly people should have just invited her. She probably wouldn't have gone...it wouldn't have been that good of a party after all. She was just making a point. Faerygodmothers should always be respected, even if you don't agree with them or their methods. And honestly, would Sleeping Beauty really have been the person she became if it hadn't been for the "bad" faery? I don't think so.

So I'd be very happy with her as a FGM. I don't mind working for what I want. It's just nice to know you have someone in your corner, giving little pointers here and there, untangling snags on occasion. Not to mention, she does know how to make an entrance. I could do alot worse.

Gray day....

2010-08-22T20:56:00.002-04:00

We're finally getting some much needed rain here in NH. As a result, it has been a gray and damp day. Some people have said it was even chilly. It couldn't have been...I was sweating all morning (not hot flashes, thank you very much Candy!). Instead I was getting some work around the house done. Not as much as I had hoped...but still, some.

The weather, though much appreciated, has made me crave some of my autumnal comforts...candle light and apples & cinnamon. Both of which I indulged in today. Every little bit to keep my mood from slipping any more than it already has lately. And on the bright side, once the Back to School stuff goes away...Halloween stuff will be out. That is sure to bring a smile or two, I hope. And with the cooler weather, the damn tourists will soon be gone from my ocean. In the meantime, I'll just keep trudging along.

Who knocked the Universe off balance?

2010-08-21T21:39:00.003-04:00

Despite no new duck related signs, I figured I would continue with the motif. Especially since this duckling looks the way I've felt the last few days. Everything, including me, is just plain off balance. For every one step forward, there has been something pushing me two steps back (And yes, I know, Mercury is retrograde....again). I know alot of y'all are having the same issues. I'm guessing someone knocked the Universe off balance.

In general, it is all very disheartening. At the worse moments, there really are not words to describe how I feel. I made myself get up today. I even got some things done, despite a complete lack of ambition. Yet, I'm still listless. I wish now I had gone out for the evening, if for no other reason than to have a temporary distraction. I didn't though, so now I'm typing away at this blog.

I always hope that blogging will give me some insight (at best) or give me a stress outlet (at least). Sometimes is provides neither. In those cases, I just keep repeating "This too shall pass" (Thank you Betsy). Eventually the Universe will right itself...or I'll get my balance back. Maybe both...now wouldn't that be something?

*Author's Note:

Proof of the effect Mercury has on me and mine....my spellcheck for this picked up alot as being incorrect and ignored y'all. It's either the planet or my Southern ancestors have possessed the computer. Not sure which worries me more.

There's no escaping the duck mojo!

2010-08-16T21:03:00.003-04:00

It was a fairly crazy day. Between jobs and counseling and other nonsensical stuff, I was beat. However, the Roomie wanted chicken pasta for dinner. Fairly easy to make, no biggie...except it meant stopping at the grocery store. *Sigh* But being the good roomie I am...despite being tortured by vampires and zombies...(ask Rowan, she can explain), I stopped at Hannafords for all the fixings.

A quick trip through the aisles and then off to the checkout. Piece of cake, right? And there it was, sitting literally at the end of the checkout lane (not in the basket of stuffies, oh no)....smiling at me....a stuffed, fuzzy duck! *Sigh* I thought about ignoring it...but considering I had posted on Facebook for people to send me ducks (photos...no actual water fowl please!), it just didn't seem like a good idea.

Needless to say, the ducky is now sitting on my painting easel, still smiling happily at me as I type away. *Sigh*

Duck on the Edge

2010-08-15T20:57:00.004-04:00

It's been one of those weekends. Did stuff, though very little of it was what I needed or wanted to do. Too many demands, not enough time or energy. Feels like I've been fighting a losing battle for days. That is probably why I felt lousy by Saturday night and like the living dead by Sunday.

Most of Sunday was spent in bed, minus errands and part of the race. High light of the day was a visit from Katie and snuggle time with Addison. Now I'm exhausted and facing another week of too much to do and not enough time or energy. All of which leaves me on edge and makes me wonder what the hell am I doing with my life? Maybe more sleep will help.

And the ducks keep coming...

2010-08-13T21:35:00.002-04:00

Today was a busy day. I was up early with the Menace, made coffee, had cereal and was off to test students by 7:30. After that I worked at camp. Nothing will tell you that you are out of shape than having to hike a steep grade with a bunch of kids. Of course it didn't help I had started Cto5k the night before and had run 1.25 miles. Rather poor planning on my part. Then I buzzed home, grabbed some stuff and was off to Sparrow's for her birthday. (Happy Birthday LBB!) Now I am finally home and after a hot bath, am happily at my computer.

Now while there were many dragonflies about today, there was nary a duck to be seen. Until I got home and found the above picture on my Facebook page...a little bit of brightness from one of my sister Dark Faeries (I miss you all bunches!) It just made me giggle. And the duck lesson for the day....

Sometimes you have to make do with what you have available where you are. To make sure it will be a good day, it is always a good idea to bring a friend along with you.

Ducks in a row?

2010-08-12T20:43:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am continuing with the duck motif. Some of it is all Noreen's fault(waves at Noreen) some of it is a worthy nod of the head to the ducks that have been in my life.I had a pet duck as a child. (No, I did not have a normal childhood) I also had a "wild" Mallard hen that used land on the deck to visit with me daily when I worked as a waitress on Lake Sunapee. (The customers thought it amusing, unless she was trying to steal their food.) Until the other day, I hadn't really thought about the duck affinity.

The plan last night was to right something witty about the ducks for today's blog. I had just found out last I got a job teaching a college Ecology course (yay me!) so my mood was very happy (and I'm always witty...right?). However, other circumstances waylaid the plan. Today was stressful enough that I went for a run when I got home...something I haven't done in months. It was that, eat what was left of the cake and ice cream in the house or throw a major tantrum. Figured the run would be the lesser of the evils... besides the sweets would still be there when I got back and tantrums are always an option if nothing else succeeds.

The run helped though I still wasn't in the mood to write. But I figured, what the hell...I'll try it anyway. This blog may not have the zip and zing I had planned, but I think the message is still important. To proceed, you have to have your ducks in a row. Of course in life, ducks don't usually stay in the row...so it is an ongoing process. You get one thing set and all the others move around causing chaos and mayhem (they are very cute and fuzzy and they DO cause a hell of a lot of trouble). So you have to keep putting them back in the row...and that is ok. Cause my ducks are all lined up above and they look like they are ready to dance!

Follow the duck!

2010-08-11T12:19:00.005-04:00

In case some of you didn't already know, I'm a big believer in signs. Not so much STOP signs....yes, 2 seconds does count as stopped in my world...but those little bits of grace we get to guide us along our way. I can't help it. I blame it on the combination of the Irish and the Italian bloodlines. The combination seems to have left me a bit touched. It is okay though. It helps me to know that there are forces looking out for me (even though I will complain about the Dads and their habit of knocking things down and changing my car radio stations). More importantly, I know I'm not crazy because it happens to other people I know as well.

During this last little down period, I've been asking for a sign about something. As is par for the course in my life, the signs went to a friend of mine. We like to share. The story is rather long, convoluted and still unraveling as I write. (And I'm pretty sure my Dads are in cahoots with Noreen's too on this one) Long story short...the message was to follow the signs, even when they aren't what you think they are. (Clear as mud isn't it?) The shorthand for this test of faith has evolved quickly into "Follow the duck!"

So for all my friends and loved ones out there, if you are having doubts about the path you're on, remember to follow the duck!

Back Again

2010-08-10T13:01:00.005-04:00

I've been away from the blog for awhile. Spring was full of getting the garden ready and working different part time jobs...seemingly here, there and everywhere, and new babies...Torence in April and Addison in May. Before I knew it, spring had slipped into summer. Now it is almost time for school to start and autumn to start to peak through.

For most of that time, things have been okay. Not spectacular, but at least okay. I've been going along working all the jobs, looking for something full time, trying to do at least some fun things too. Lately it seems that things aren't going as well. I am increasingly frustrated with how things are going...or not, as the case may be. Frustration is never a good feel. For me, it tends to increase my anxiety level. And that leads down a path I do not want to follow.

So in an attempt to deal with both the frustrations and the anxiety, I've come back to my creative outlets...I spent last night drawing and I've pulled this blog out and dusted off the cobwebs. Both were a struggle. Maybe it will get easier, maybe not. All I can do is try and pray that it helps.

Sanctuary 2

2010-04-29T22:10:00.003-04:00

So it has been another long and difficult week. I'm frustrated by almost everyone and everything. Never a good thing, made worse by the ongoing lack of enough sleep. Add in yesterday's snow and it is nothing short of a miracle that I'm still in New England at all right now.

Everything in me keeps wanting to just walk away from all of it. I very well may end up doing that at some point. I'm at least letting myself be open to the possibility that it is time to try somewhere else for awhile at least. I have a few obligations to see out...plus needing to find full-time employment. I'll have to wait and see how it goes.

In the meantime, I'm planning another escape to the beach tomorrow. Warm, sunny weekday...few people as yet. Just me, the sand and waves and my gulls (Hush, I don't want to hear it). At least for a few hours, I'll have some peace of mind and spirit...maybe.

Sanctuary

2010-04-23T21:15:00.003-04:00

I've written how things have not been going all that well. I've been hoping being patient and waiting this spell out would be enough. Maybe it still is...I just don't have any faith in that at this point. I think there may be some other stuff going on, decisions that need to be made that I haven't been willing to acknowledge.

I still have no solid idea about what to do about anything at this point. I'm trying to at least be open that maybe things have to be a lot different than I had thought.

There are only two things I know for sure at this point...things cannot continue this way, for my own mental health, if for no other reason than that, and that I need the sanctuary of my ocean (yes, it's mine...get over it). So tomorrow, I'm journeying to my beach, where I can sit and listen to the waves. Maybe they'll have something to say on the whole matter.

Welcome

2010-04-19T21:39:00.002-04:00

In all the confusion in my brain, I forgot. Welcome Torence Michelle Crease! Tori was born Friday, April 16th. She is just perfect!

ACKKKKK! Mercury is Retrograde!

2010-04-19T21:26:00.003-04:00

So here I am, on a Monday night, happily working on a very witty blog entry. You'll have to take my word for it. Sadly, while adding a bit here and there, my computers decided to change into overwrite mode all by itself. Needless to say, large portions of my draft were eaten.

I would say the whole day has been like this...but it goes beyond that. Life in general has been one step forward and two off into some other dimensional direction not known to this reality. I really do not know if I am coming or going, let alone where I am supposed to be. I'm trying to be patient, I'm even praying for patience (and yes, this is a sign of an upcoming Apocalypse). I'm even praying for fortitude...just let me get through THIS too.

Of course at the same time, I'm swearing at myself for not saving it as a draft sooner and at the computer for it's possessed nature (yes, I know, what should I expect?) and for my somewhat damaged "k" and "," keys (that one is Echo's fault...don't ask...just never let a Pitbull run across your keyboard). I'm so frustrated with everything I could just scream (even chocolate and coffee aren't helping). I know if won't help. So instead, I will continue to go for runs (however short) and go back to seeing Betsy and all the other things I need to do. And I will continue to pray for patience and fortitude...and that Mercury doesn't stay retrograde for long.

One of those days...

2010-04-12T21:29:00.005-04:00

It's been one of those days. I'd say it was a typical Monday except I've been having a lot of these days lately. It isn't that things are really bad, they're just not good either.

I'm frustrated more than anything. I've made efforts to move things along, cause this isn't where I want my life to be at this point. It's just nothing seems to have come to sprout yet. (Can you tell I'm planning the house garden?) And I can't seem to get out of my own way lately. Add to that I'm having to let go of yet more things that have given my life predictability the past few years, and I'm getting bored. It feels like a mess.

I know I have to keep at it and continue to be patient (come on already, this is as good as I'm likely to get at it), have faith (yes Dad, got the message) and not do anything stupid in the meantime. I guess I'm tired of feeling so lousy about all of it. Sort of like my poor, pathetic puppy (see picture above) when she waiting the go ahead to eat her dinner. Jet is about as patient as I am...

Emergence

2010-04-04T21:32:00.004-04:00

Greetings everyone. Sorry I've been away so long...winter and work and life have kept me too tired to write. Now it is spring...finally...and I feel like I'm finally emerging from a long and cold spell. Appropriate since today is Easter.

I thought about writing a lot the past month or so. A crazy work schedule ( I know, I know, I'm trying to resolve that one) and crazy mood swings left me empty of anything to actually write. Basically, I went through one of my periodic dark periods (no worries, it could have been much worse). And now I'm focusing on climbing out of it again, on getting things in my life moving again.

I realized I was in that barren place longer than I thought. It seems I've been stuck since last spring. Or maybe not stuck, but at a standstill. Some of it of my own making, some of it waiting on the will of Heaven, so to speak. I'm still trying to unravel all of it. Right now the focus is on not getting to that really crazy place I've been before. Or rather, to get to a healthy place, body, mind and soul. There is more to it than that. Like I said, I'm still trying to figure it all out. One of the ways is to start writing again. So here at least is a start.

Betwixt and Between...still

2009-12-16T20:46:00.003-05:00

A bit of time has passed since the last time I blogged. Thanksgiving has passed and the Christmas season is shortly upon us. I've gotten little things done here and there...the firewood is in the house...though not stacked yet, my garden beds have been made ready for the spring, and I have finally found some regular employment...part time and not in the environmental field but it is a job. For all of this, I am grateful.

Yet, there is still that small voice inside saying, "This isn't isn't it." Of course, that annoying little voice doesn't tell me anything else. It merely leaves me with a sense of mild discontent. As if I'm stuck betwixt and between...knowing I can't go back and not knowing where to go from this spot in space and time. In general, it is an uncomfortable feeling. It is trying to sit in this place and be patient. For me, it is also a potentially dangerous place...If I linger in this state too long, the darkness encroaches too closely for my comfort.

There is perhaps a silver lining to be found in a quote I read today. It stated, "You can't get away from your path". So maybe, I won't have to sit here long before I can see where my next step will take me.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend more time writing. It is always better to get all of this out of my head than let it run amok inside me. So my goal for right now is to write for at least half an hour a night...here on my blog. Doing this forces me to think about what I'm thinking clearly. None of the going round and round that happens in my journal that no one else sees. Guess we'll see how it goes.

Sign of Hope

2009-11-20T21:30:00.002-05:00

Most people who know me, know I have a thing for dragonflies. I have one tattooed on my right forearm. Dragonflies show up at import events, both for me and my friend Noreen. It is kind of a thing we have with our Dads and each other. My kids all say they know when they are being watched over by me when they see a dragonfly appear out of the blue. (Hey, if it keeps them on their toes and out of trouble, who am I to argue?)

I haven't had any of my usual unusual dragonfly sightings. Kind of par for the course of how things have been lately. Until today. Kristi and I had to go shopping. While in the Christmas ornament aisle, she suddenly said "There's something you have to get". It was a sparkly dragonfly ornament. There were ones in bright pink and blue and purple. And then, there was a single gold sparkly dragonfly ornament...the only one, sitting there waiting to be plucked off the hook. It quickly went into my shopping cart.

I'm taking its appearance as a sign that things are starting to look up, that there is hope. It is now hanging on the wall directly above my desk. I may not know what the future holds. I'm not sure about anything in my life right now, let alone in the future. At least now, when I'm feeling lost, I can look at my dragonfly to remind me, that someone, somewhere is looking out for me.

I give up!

2009-11-19T21:21:00.004-05:00

So okay, the past few months have been fairly hellacious. Most of it has been beyond my control. I've gone with the flow. I've looked for the silver lining in the most difficult times. I've even accepted, grudgingly, that I'm working on developing patience and trust, neither being strong suits of mine. I haven't questioned (much) the Divine plan.

But come on already! (Yeah, I'm throwing the whole patience and not questioning thing right out the window for the moment) I'm starting to feel kind of like my friend Coyote. I just found out I didn't get the job I wanted. I'm not being considered again for another. Most of my life, especially some of my relationships, is a wreck. And I'm sick! I mean really?! Can't the Universe find someone else to pick on for a bit? Or if there is some lesson in all this...just tell me! Enough with being coy, you know it doesn't work with me.

Okay, so I am venting. I am grateful for a couple of crucial friendships. And for the few hours of work I do have. They are some of the few things sustaining me at the moment. I know things could be much worse (Don't even THINK about it...I've got enough to deal with already, thank you very much). I just want to be able to get on with my life. So, if there is anything else, can we just get it out of the way already? Please? (Yes, I know I'm asking for it, but maybe the shock will throw the Divine off guard? Okay, probably not. But dragging things out is going to make me really crazy, so what the hell~)

Dandelions

2009-11-01T20:24:00.004-05:00

I realized today it has been awhile since I've blogged. Some of it is that not much has changed. Despite being fairly busy, I really haven't gotten anywhere. Apparently, I'm working on patience...not one of my better virtues. So in the meantime, I'm doing what I can, around very nasty headaches and waiting for what comes next, whatever that is.

One bright spot, strangely out of place and time is the dandelion growing on our side lawn. I noticed it yesterday, Halloween, while I was walking one of the dogs. A single, bright yellow dandelion growing happily in late October. Odd, yes?

I'm choosing to take it as a positive sign. In the language of flowers, these happy, little "weeds" stand for happiness, love and faithfulness. Not a bad omen. Personally, dandelions have always been one of my favorite flowers. (Yes, further proof of how truly touched I am, I know.) They are bright and soft and can grow in the most difficult of circumstances. Is it really any wonder I loved them as a child? Plus, when they transformed to seed, they became my first magic wands. I learned to make a wish by blowing upon dandelion seeds long before I learned to make a wish with daisies.

So maybe instead of working on patience (cause really, we are talking about me here) I will focus on the enduring, gently toughness and faithfulness of the dandelion. I like that much more.

Finally!

2009-10-21T12:26:00.002-04:00

It is a gorgeous Indian Summer day today. I had already cleaned out my clothes drawers...mainly because having to look at clothes that didn't fit me was starting to make me a little cranky. Once I finished that, I decided to test out my still tender toe to see if it could handle a light jog. I've been going stir crazy since I cracked it a couple of weeks ago. I've been wanting to start running again. I haven't been able to do any running for almost two years as a result of plantar fascitis. Between that, likely the antidepressants I was on, and a stress induced bad diet, I've gained weight, which has been making the rest of me hurt. Now that I'm off medication, running...or something equally as physical is necessary on a daily basis to keep my brain stable. (Shut Up Rowan!)

It is just too nice out today to resist giving it a try. At worst, I figured it would hurt too much and I'd have to settle for a walk. I took Echo along; one for extra resistance, and two because he needs to burn off the extra frenetic energy, just like me. (He is currently snoring in his kennel...he's a wuss). The jaunt was only 20 minutes, but I managed 3 good runs on different surfaces. My toe did fine. It is a little sensitive, so I'll tape it up next time for more stability. The rest of my body is kinda like "What the hell...". My brain is very happy...it doesn't take much for me to get the runner's high going.

So now, I can start running on a regular basis. I'm going to start making a better effort to eat healthier, you know actual real food. I've added water back into daily consumption (separate from my coffee intake) and I'm eating yogurt and walnuts and such again. I've made a deal with myself that if I do some kind of serious exercise at least 5 times a week, I can have a really sinful mocha from Panera's on the weekend. In the meantime, no more mochas at home...caffeine intake has to start coming back down. (No, I won't give it up entirely yet). Hopefully all this will one, keep my brain stable and two, let me get back into shape.

In the meantime, woooohooo, I could run today!

Grabbing a Coyote by the tail...

2009-10-12T20:29:00.003-04:00

A littel bit of chaos is a good thing. Really it is.... Okay, so I tend to like chaos more than your average person. Well maybe like is to strong a word. Let's just say I'm really good manuevering amidst chaos. There have been many a day I've wished I was organized and disciplined...usually when I'm pulling an all-nighter in order to finish a paper on time. But, that's just not me. Sigh.
-
I have learned a neat trick about chaos though. It is absolutely necessary to create any kind of order. Yep, that's me, your Paradox Girl. But its true! For example, my room/office has been a disaster for months. From the time grad school ended through to recently, everything has been a mess. As I've mentioned, my life of late has been a bit of a train wreck...or at least felt like it. (But that is a blog for another time) I finally decided to get it in order so things would be a little easier for me to manage (Frightening I know). But to do so, I had to take the chaos that existed, blow it up and then create something out of it.

The result...a nice, tidy, somewhat (okay, it is ME we are talking about here) organized bedroom/office/studio. You can even see the floors! There is of course still more chaos to tame. I have files from grad school to go through...deciding what to keep, what to recycle. Not to mention my clothes to sort through or my books to get in order. But all in all, things are much calmer in my space. With any luck, the calm will translate to me being able to sleep better at night (or at all).

So the grand cosmic lesson in all this...a little chaos can be a good thing. You have to have the courage to face it though. If you don't, it runs amok with fears, doubts and their ilk, creating all sorts of messes. So much better to grab the Coyote by the tail and create something better of your own design.

Making Wishes

2009-10-10T22:30:00.007-04:00

I laughed when I found this picture online. I've always said training to be a faerygodmother begins early, especially when you have as many godchildren as I do...I'm not even sure how many I have. All I know is the number keeps growing and now also includes kittens and a very adorable Aussie puppy. (Don't laugh, they are easier than teenagers).
Despite various challenges, all my kiddos have good hearts...even though I'm still waiting for a couple to start using their brains...but I have faith it will come in time.
The other day it occurred to me I've been doing more time with the Cinderella routine (I was literally cleaning ashes out of the house hearth) than I have been being a Faerygodmother (this weekend excluded of course). So I thought to myself, as I was doing dishes and scrubbing floors, does this mean I get to have a faerygodmother of my own? Probably not, though if I do, she is out in Oregon so that doesn't really work. So, what does this mean?

Well, I guess it means I have to grant my own wishes. I think I've always known that. After all, my favorite childhood rhyme was Star light, Star bright...Of course to grant my own wishes, I have to figure out what I wish for upon the first evening star. So tonight, that is what I'm mulling over...what are the truest wishes in my heart? And then the catch, to remember to wish for the courage to go after them.

Troubled Heart and Mind

2009-10-06T15:23:00.004-04:00

I've been trying to get back into the normal swing of things...housework, cutting firewood, baking, job searching, etc. On the surface, I'm doing okay. I do miss Dad and I do have my moments. But mostly I'm okay. I just look at the prayer card from his service. Under his picture it says, "I'm fine, gone home, love and God bless" All things Dad said to us all, especially in the last few days. It makes me smile because I know it's true and that he's happy.

I knew with his passing it was likely things with some people in my family would deteriorate. Most of you know enough to know my relationship with my mother is shaky at the best of times, as is the relationships with my half-siblings. I have learned to distance myself from as much of the drama as possible for my own sanity. (Yes, I mean that quite literally, just ask anyone who has known me more than ten years). It is ironic that I had a better relationship with Dad, despite a very rocky beginning. For his sake, I've made an effort with the rest of the family. I figured at least I could keep the peace, even when it meant keeping my mouth shut (okay, I would vent to friends after). I continued to do so to a point the past few months (okay, so I'm not always great at keeping my mouth shut). But whatever decisions people felt they had to make, I went along with it.

Despite my best efforts, things are going south quicker than I thought they would. Some of it is typical to long established family patterns. I've gotten few metaphorical kicks to the gut, but with the support of some friends, I got through it. But the last one is one I'm not sure I can get past. I was somewhat dreading the actual committal service at the cemetery. I have a love/hate thing going on with the military rites. It is an important honor to bestow and at the same time, it is a reminder of Daddy. Bittersweet at best. I had prepared myself for it and for dealing with some people who I'd rather not deal with. I arrived early at St. Pat's so I could take flowers to Daddy's grave before the ceremony. Imagine my surprise to see the American Legion members leaving.

It seems the ceremony was moved up an hour. No one, namely my mother, called to tell me. No one it seems noticed I wasn't there or called to see if I was coming. I missed the whole thing. Needless to say I was not happy. I left the pink rose for Dad, the red rose for Daddy, said hello and goodbye to family I do like and left. Quickly, because I knew I was on the verge of throwing a fit that would make my sister's (Liz, not Theresa) look mild. (And that is saying something) Kristi got the brunt of the reaction I couldn't control when I got home. At that point, I was mainly hurt. I buried the anger fast so I could process it under a controlled situation.

I wish I could believe my mother didn't do it intentionally. But after a few of the other slights over that week and a half, not to mention over my lifetime, I cannot seem to convince myself of it. I've been through this type of thing before with her. I haven't decided whether or not to call her on it. One, I'm still furious and I have a vile temper. I do not like to lose control of it because I know what I can be like. Two, I've been down this road before...my mother doesn't take responsibility for her actions when these things happen.

I don't know I have the energy, let alone the desire to go through this again. The funny thing is, if anyone understood how much energy having a relationship with my mother took, it was Dad. So for now, I will sit with it some more. Maybe something will come to me. Because honestly, at the moment, I'd like nothing better to walk away for good.

In Loving Memory

2009-10-03T12:40:00.004-04:00

In Loving Memory of my dad, William L. McHugh

July 24, 1931-September 23, 2009

God's might to direct me

God's power to protect me

God's wisdom for learning

God's eye for discerning

God's ear for my hearing

God's word for my clearing

God's hand for my cover

God's path to pass over

God's buckler to guide me

God's army to ward me.

- From the Breastplate of St. Patrick

Really? Was this necessary?

2009-10-01T21:39:00.004-04:00

So it appears the best laid plans can go right out the window in mere seconds. Apparently my coyote totem has come to play. My plan to start running again after Saturday no matter what my feet said has run into a rather painful snag... Not the fascitis, no that would have been expected. No, it had to be something way more creative than that.

I'm pretty sure I broke one of my toes this morning. Of course, clever me didn't really notice it until this evening. (No, I am not going to the hospital...unemployed and no insurance. I do not need a 4 hour wait, an x-ray and a doctor telling me there is nothing I can do but ice and ibuprofen) OK, yes I knew I had cracked it on something in the basement. (Yes I was barefoot at the time, no I'm not going to start wearing shoes around in the house, that would just be silly) However, I went about my business. I'm guessing it didn't hurt much because my cowboy boots were keeping the swelling down. At least until I had to take them off to change for work.Now my toe is swollen and a lovely shade of purple...sort of like my finger was last spring when I broke it. Needless to say, it hurts like hell too!

But I mean really? Was this really necessary? With all the other hits I've taken lately, with a fair amount of grace and patience, (OK it is subjective, like my state of sanity) it is not fair. Yeah, yeah, life's not fair. But, really? Come on, what does a girl have to do to catch a break around here? Sigh! I suppose it could have been worse...it could have been another flat tire.

Slow Return to Sanity

2009-10-01T12:53:00.002-04:00

Don't get too excited, I haven't done any baking today. (Though I did start cutting up wood, does that count?) I am working from the laptop in the kitchen. Some of it is I'll doze off if I work from my bed...or worse, actually start to organize the chaos in there. (Ugh, the horror of it) Some of it is Jet is loose in the house, but must be monitored against her latest trick, which is stealing the cat food off the table (yes, this is a new trick after living here for two years. She is just that special).

I'm just killing time here. I have to be at Towle School to cover for an hour or so at the afterschool program. Then I have to teach tonight, my first night back since Dad died. It's hard to believe it has been a week already. Now I just have to get through Saturday morning.

Of course, I realized this morning while talking with Betsy, it's not the ceremony itself I'm dreading. I'm dreading being around particular family members. Just the ones who normally have the ability to drive me right over the edge with their behaviors. It is worse now that Dad is no longer there as the buffer. But it is only a short event. I will be there with others of my family I actually do like, and then Dad will receive the honors he earned as a veteran. That's what matters. For that, I can control my temper for a bit longer.

In the meantime, I'm laying groundwork for upcoming trainings and starting up the job search again. (See, only hiding under the rock when my relatives are around) Ugh. I've promised myself to get back to eating better after Saturday, including cutting back on my coffee intake. I'm also going to start running again, my feet will just have to deal, if for no other reason than running is one of the things that helps me stay sane. (Yes, I know, but remember it is my version of sane...it's way better than my level of insanity.)

Another day down

2009-09-28T22:23:00.002-04:00

One more exhausting day done with. Because of family scheduling issues, there was a gap today between yesterday's calling hours and tomorrow's funeral mass. Yes, tomorrow is just the mass, though I suppose I can't say just. It will be a full Catholic funeral mass with all the bells and whistles at St. Patrick's in Newport, followed by a reception at Assumption Hall. Rumor has it the St. Pat's will be packed, something that usually only occurs at Christmas Eve and Easter Morning. I'm pretty sure Dad would be annoyed at all the fuss. He'd prefer to sit in the back left pew and contemplate the universe in peace.

Burial won't be until Saturday since Dad wanted to be cremated and his ashes buried with my brother Paul. I think I'm dreading that most of all since it will be with full military honors. Dad deserves them, though again I can hear him in the back of my mind complaining about all the fuss. I have a serious love/hate thing going with the military honors ceremony. Nearly forty years hasn't made hearing Taps easier or kept me from jumping out of my skin at the first volley of the 21 gun salute...even though I know it is coming.

I'm hoping to get some more sleep tonight. Last night's two hours of actual sleep were plagued with nightmares. I finally woke up enough to turn on my bedside lamp so I could go back to sleep. What can I say, the trick from my childhood to send nightmares away still works. I stayed up all morning baking. I made an excellently decorated apple pie...I'll post the picture later this week. It had pine trees and a deer. I made it special to make Matt and Jayme laugh, since it is bow season. I also made whole wheat cinnamon bread, and pumpkin muffins and corn bread. Did all the dishes, worked on some watercolor paintings...which will take a couple of days to finish. And then went to the family dinner. That is an experience in exhaustion all in itself. You'd think I'd be exhausted enough to sleep. But here I am typing away, listening to the rain fall.

Worse case scenario, I'll sleep all weekend while I house sit for friends out in the middle of no where. I can't wait. Just me, my sketch pad, the dogs (theirs, not mine) to watch over me and some much needed peace and quiet.

Awake at the witching hour

2009-09-28T00:03:00.004-04:00

Certainly wasn't planning on doing any blogging for a bit. But it's the witching hour ( Dad would have all sorts of jokes for that one), there is a rain storm brewing outside and I cannot sleep yet again.

I had thought for sure that I would be so exhausted after today's calling hours, that I would fall fast asleep. No luck. Instead, I'm wide awake. Too tired to do anything constructive and too restless to settle down. Too many other emotions swirling around to even begin to make sense of any of it, some I just can't face head on yet. The only way to try to make sense of anything is to sit with my computer and write and cry.

To be honest, I wish it was noon on October 3rd. Then all the funeral services, family meals, etc would be over. I won't have to keep my mouth shut or be the one that is handling everything just fine (I know, only certain relatives are crazy enough to believe that one. Oh wait, forgot, they are that crazy. Yes that is a little bitchiness creeping out, they should count their lucky stars I could keep it under control with some timely intervention from my friends.) I am counting the hours until I can be left in peace to mourn my father and grieve again not being someone's daughter, not the way I got to be, at least for a little while.

A huge chunk of my life will cease to exist when this is over. At this point, precious little in my recent life is still intact, barring my true kinships...that's all that really matters. Every thing else is pretty much a crash and burn at this point. Like the phoenix on my back, maybe it is time to let most of it, or at least the things that break my heart, go up in the flames with the rest. (Figuratively, no house fires this time thanks). It's as good a time for a fresh start as any.

Answered Prayers

2009-09-23T21:00:00.003-04:00

I did actually get an uninterrupted night's sleep, the first in weeks. Kristi woke me this morning to let me know my mom had called early this morning to let us know Dad passed quietly from this world around 2:30 this morning.

Today has been a whirlwind of making arrangements. My brother Matt is pretty sure the funeral home will close for vacation before having to deal with us again. What can I say, there were six of the seven of us kids there. Heaven knows Dad had trouble keeping us in line one on one. All of us together is a guarantee for there to be rabble rousing, mainly because we form our very own rabble.

Kristi made sure I had a healthy lunch though dinner consisted of chocolate cake and a Vitamin C supplement. (That is healthy, right?) I'm even drinking water as I type this, so Sparrow doesn't have to worry. Tomorrow will likely be a little less crazy. I plan to stay fairly close to home, get some stuff here caught up again and return friend's emails. And maybe start on my PhD program application...might as well let the current insanity work for me, right?

2009-09-22T22:40:00.004-04:00

Ever feel like everything is spinning out of control around you? That's pretty much what the past couple of days have been like. Lots of waiting, some tears, some laughter. Amidst it all, I can't seem to find my balance. Of course it could be the result of severe sleep deprivation and excessive caffeine intake. It is quite possible I will never touch coffee again once this is all over.

Dad has been declining rapidly. He is no longer eating. He drinks very little. The nurses at DHMC removed the IV's yesterday. He is now on oral morphine, which made him pretty happy and chatty yesterday. He was talking with anyone who came in the room. At one point Father Chris, the hospital's chaplain came in to see him. After giving him communion, he spoke of how there were angels in the room with him. Dad smiled, looked at my Mom and I and said, "Yeah, but they're witches". Needless to say, Mom and I started to crack up. Later, Dad was saying how tough Bones was (my brother Nathaniel for those not in the know). I quipped, "Yeah he is, but he's funny looking too isn't he?", to which Dad smiled and said "Well yes". Nathaniel just gave me one of his "I am so not amused" looks...not that they have any effect on me. There are some other funny stories, but I'll save them for another time. I spent part of last night with Dad, as did my sister Theresa. Dad started to fade quickly last night.

He hasn't been able to call me by name for a couple of days, though he knew who I was. At least until today. He doesn't recognize anyone and is almost completely unable to communicate. The team at DHMC and my mother decided to move him to New London Hospital for hospice care since it's closer to home. I would have liked to have known about it before I went up this morning. I wasn't prepared to have to pack his room, or sign whatever papers. All of which I did. I will say, the nursing staff at DHMC are angels, as is the pastoral staff. The doctors? A few need to be slapped up side the head or given lessons on how to deal with people. (It's a long story)

That was bad enough, but my cell got turned off because I forgot to pay the bill. Then when I went to pay it, I locked myself out of my car. I had to call Kristi (good thing I just paid the bill) to go get my spare and bring it to me. I'm pretty sure I would lose my way if I had to go anywhere right now, which is why I plan to stay home. Of course, I think I could get lost in the house right now. I might even get some rest...I'm so tired at this point I'm wicked (yes I am from NH) slap happy. Just about anything will start me giggling until I'm crying. Kristi thinks it is pretty entertaining. Heaven knows our menagerie is strange enough to get me going at the drop of a hat. (For example, Esmerelda was watching NCIS with us...and here I thought she only liked to watch NASCAR)

At this point, I can only hope for some sleep and a phone call so I know Dad has passed peacefully into the next world.

Quick Update

2009-09-21T08:31:00.002-04:00

I wanted to update real quick before I head out again this morning. Dad is still up at DHMC. The doctors have discontinued the antibiotics. His kidneys are failing. At this point they are giving him medications to make him comfortable. He sleeps a great deal, though he was awake and somewhat lucid for a good chunk of time yesterday. Right now we are just waiting. I was up there most of yesterday and I'm heading up again in a bit for the day. If you need to reach me, best to call me on my cell as I'm not sure when I'll be near my computer again.

For everyone who has been saying prayers for my Dad and the family, thank you. He is comfortable and at peace. We couldn't ask for more than that at this time.

A favorite prayer

2009-09-18T16:00:00.004-04:00

I've come to accept that my life is going to be a train wreck for the next little while. Nothing to do but go through it. So for myself and everyone else out there who is also having a difficult time right now, I'm posting one of my favorite prayers by Thomas Merton. May it help you find peace.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

And again...

2009-09-16T23:13:00.003-04:00

Another sleepless night seems to be upon me. Figured this time I would try to do something constructive in hopes of getting tired enough to get at least a couple hours of sleep later on. So rather than stay in bed and read myself into a stupor, I decided to get up and do my kitchen brownie routine.

The counters are clean, the sink is clear of dishes, the dishwasher is happily running and I have the dough for cinnamon bread rising on the counter. I contemplated making some pumpkin muffins but decided against it. I'm not sure I have enough brain focus left to make them. Maybe tomorrow.

Now I am tapping away on my keyboard. Note to self, remember to wipe the flour off before staring to type...and if you are wearing a black USMC shirt, don't wipe your hands off on it. Ooops! Can you tell I'm tired? I really would like to sleep. For once, my insomnia isn't caused by being over-caffeinated. As Rowan pointed out when I started baking at 10pm, I just won't let myself sleep right now. She's correct...I just can't. Of course she also pointed out that I cannot spend all day at the hospital. It's just too much. And I have to reluctantly agree.

The best and worst part of today was being alone with Dad in his room. He is lucid...it's just the light he's seeing isn't entirely from this world. He moves between praying to talking about who he's going to see on the other side. We did have a chance to talk, so there is nothing left unsaid. That made it all the more bittersweet. I seriously thought I was going to meltdown for good. Luckily for me I have wonderful people in my life to distract me, make me laugh and feed me (and I didn't even argue about eating either meal).

The wait is the hardest right now. And I've realized that though I'm the one with experience in losing a father, I'm now facing that loss for a second time. And at the moment, I don't have anyone to talk to who is a night owl like me but me. No wonder I can't sleep.

On the bright side? If anyone wants some kickass homemade whole wheat cinnamon bread, let me know. I've got plenty.

Sleepless night

2009-09-15T22:46:00.003-04:00

I spent most of today at DHMC. Dad is seriously ill, to the point where he will not recover. We expect to meet with the entire team of doctors in the next day or so to discuss all the options for care as well as Dad's wishes as how to proceed.

Dad's wishes are clear. He is tired. He is ready to pass quietly from this world. His main fear is that he wasn't a good enough person in this world. He is also one of the best people I know. Not perfect certainly, despite being Irish. He is one of the few I have known to acknowledge his mistakes and apologize for them. His faith has always been amazing. Even now, he continues to pray for "those who are worse off than he is".

My wish on this sleepless night is for him to find peace in heart and mind so he may have a quiet passage from this world to the next.

Simple Blessings

2009-09-14T10:38:00.003-04:00

For the past few months, I've been praying for some kind of guidance. With everything going on, I wanted to know what to do. Mainly because if I'm doing something (okay lots of things at the same time) I feel I have some control over the chaos. I know, I know, I should know better after all this time. I do. I merely forget sometimes. And it takes the proverbial smack upside the head to smarten me up again.

Maybe I'm getting wiser as I get older, (shut up Rowan). It may be all the prayers others have been saying for me lately (thank you by the way)finally got through. I actually got the message this time without getting hit in the head,literally or figuratively. ( The first person who marks this date on the calendar is in BIG trouble). Basically, things are arranged right now so I cannot DO anything.

Not that I get to sit around doing nothing. I'm accepting certain, okay a lot, of things are beyond my control. ( I heard that snickering you know) I'm still job searching, and I do have certain obligations to my loved ones. But right now, I can rest in simple things I don't usually have much time for...like writing my blog, my art work, making bread (good time to visit Nia), getting outside, and so on. I have the opportunity to cultivate some quietude and serenity amidst all the craziness going on in the rest of the world. And for once, I'm okay with it.

"Let Nothing Disturb You"

2009-09-09T20:32:00.002-04:00

This is a picture of the Atlantic Ocean from my favorite perch (literally) in Maine. Sorry, not telling where it is. It is the one place I can go that no one know where it is. Plus, my cellphone doesn't work there, so I am officially unreachable when I am there.

It is where I go, at least during non-tourist season, to get away, think,write and re-group. I miss it very much at the moment. I hope to get up there for a few hours soon. In the meantime, I have to rely on pictures.

I've been looking at the photos a lot lately. Things are stressful for me, but I can deal. I may not like it, but it is what it is. What is worse is the number of people either I know or people close to people close to me (did that make sense? If so, you might want to be a little afraid, you're starting to understand my train of thought) have received some kind of really bad news. Layoffs, major health issues, etc. It seems to be everywhere.

Because of stuff in my own life, I've been searching for bits and pieces to give me some support getting through it. I've given up praying to be at peace with it all. I mean really, me peaceful? Trying for that has only left me more frustrated. Instead, I'm asking for courage and endurance. Seems to fit my personality better. Damn, almost lured of track by sneaky tangents. Back into the desk drawer with all of you!

Anyways, I was thinking of how I put out prayer requests for those I know who are in need. But maybe we all need a little more right now, maybe a little smidge of grace (please note the lower case "g", I don't want to find smidges of my friend Grace anywhere), or inspiration or whatever you want to call it. Just a collection of things to help all of us get through either our own stuff or to pass along to someone we love. I figure I will start it as an experiment here and see what happens.

So here is my thought to all of you, if you have bits of prayer, pictures, snippets of poetry you would like to share, please do. Even song cues... ( I KNOW I am going to regret that one considering how many of my near and dear thrive on sudden bursts of song...sigh) You can either add them into the comments, email me through the link below or to one of my other email addresses if you have that. I will turn them into blog bits, etc. to share with everyone. Add any prayer requests as well. I'll add them to my list...which is getting tackled daily lately.

I actually started kind of with the title of this post. It is from the first line of a prayer from Saint Teresa of Avila. The first part, which I pray on a regular basis, goes like this:
"Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you..."

Happy Birthday Jet

2009-09-07T17:30:00.004-04:00

Today is Jet's 3rd Birthday! Kristi made her a special doggy birthday cake, with candy bone sprinkles. We left off the candles, she'd only try to eat them. A lot of people thought she'd never make it to 3. Jet came to us with a ton of issues. Most people thought we were crazy. (Not that we aren't...normal is boring). With time, work, a lot of love and a little medication, she is slowly turning into a normal beast. Well, as normal as anyone is this household ever gets. Above is a picture of me showing her her cake. She was very excited.

Happy Birthday Jetsam!

Echo's Big Adventure

2009-09-06T19:46:00.003-04:00

Around our house, Echo, our lab/pitt mix pup, is generally viewed as the "good dog", well by Kristi anyways. Some of that is his behaviors are caused by the fact he is still a puppy. Some of it is while he's not the brightest of dogs at times, is cute in a dopey sort of way. Today is an example of why.

Kristi took him out this morning. She is trying to train him to be off leash, so he had on the training collar. Normally, he'd do what he needed to and come in to go back to bed like any other Sunday. Except today there was another dog in the neighborhood. The black shepard mix obviously belongs to someone...he had a collar and tags. Apparently he left his owners at home . As he went through our yard, Echo decided to follow, trying to get him to play. And off they went. Out of the yard, down the street and away. One problem with an electric training collar...they have limited distance at which they are effective. (Though if it had been Jet, she wouldn't have even noticed being zapped, plus she would have tried to kick the other dog's butt for being in her yard - can you tell she's my dog?)

Kristi tried to catch him, but when that failed she came to wake me up to help. Have I ever mentioned, I don't wake up easily? Especially since you cannot shake me awake without risking getting punched? Once I was up, we both took our cars to see if we could spot the dogs anywhere in the area. We circled a couple of times, checked back at the house, got Tasha from next door looking, called the Animal Control folks, etc. At one point, I dropped the car back home and took to looking on foot, passing out business cards with my cell phone number on it to anyone who might come across the mutt.

This kept up for hours! I finally stopped to eat, took information on Echo to the police department, and took to looking again. Kristi finally flagged me down on one pass. Sitting happy as can be in the passenger seat was Echo. Apparently, he got lost a few streets up from us. Luckily for him, he is cute. Cute enough that someone let him into their house, gave him love and attention and shelter for most of the 4 plus hours he was missing. Kristi passed the house and saw him playing with his new human friend. As soon as she got out of the car, he ran over and jumped on her, all happy to have been found.

He was no worse the wear for his adventure. He didn't even have the decency to look ashamed of himself. I'm fairly certain he has no idea he did something wrong. He came home, ate and quickly laid down to take a nap. It seems adventures are very tiring. He and I had a talk about how he really isn't smart enough to be doing things like this. He is used to these conversations...they usually involve me reminding him it is a good thing he is cute, cause bright he isn't.

The one good thing out of all of this...other than we found the butthead? Jet, aka The Black Menace is officially the "good dog" of the house. Who would have ever thought that would happen?

Respect the Families of the Fallen

2009-09-04T18:55:00.005-04:00

I was checking my email this afternoon and came across an article about the Associated Press releasing the picture of an Marine severely injured by a RPG attack in Afghanistan last month. The young Lance Corporal died later. Last week, after the funeral, a number of newspapers chose to print the photo showing the downed Marine as his comrades attempted to save his life. The picture was released despite the protests of the Marine's family. The Secretary of Defense has since blasted the AP for their actions, demanding the photo be pulled.

I had to calm down a bit before I decided to write about it. I am a strong proponent of freedom of the press. I am also the daughter of a fallen Marine. I can easily imagine the pain this Marine's family feels knowing that picture, the last of their son, is out there. The last picture I have of my father is him receiving his Purple Heart on board the USS Repose, a Naval Hospital Ship. That picture is a snapshot of a nineteen year old boy, it is bittersweet. What is hidden from view in the picture is the fact Daddy was missing both legs, his left arm and his left eye. I know these injuries were disguised out of respect for the family members to whom the photo would be sent. Those of us who have lost a loved one in service of this country do not need to see what happened to them with our eyes. That loss is forever engraved onto our hearts, we carry this scar with us everywhere we go.

The AP argues they are showing a piece of the country's history. I am a historian as well. I can teach about history without showing the dying moments of a 21 year old. There are other ways to teach, to show clearly the horrors of war, without blatantly disregarding the wishes and feelings of the families of the fallen. I hope the decision makers at the AP rethink their stance on this issue. In the meantime, this Marine's daughter will light a candle for the family. I know he is now part of those few and proud guarding Heaven's streets. He's in good company.

Another World Heard From...

2009-09-02T21:15:00.003-04:00

I hadn't planned on blogging today. I've been feeling off for a few days now. Very frustrated, confused, sad and a whole lot of other whatnot to boot. Best I've been able to come up with is to keep busy, preferably without alot of people around. I'm craving peace and quiet like it's the air I breathe.

I love my friends, family and my kiddos. Really. It just I have days where having a job counting birds, or fish or something on an unpopulated island off of Maine, with no internet, or phone, sounds like my idea of heaven. By noon, today became one of those days. Which is why I probably had a massive stress headache by the time I got home. I had enough energy to crawl into my hermit cell - though it does seem more like a dark cave...just need a couple of bats-and crash for a couple of hours.

All I wanted was some sleep to make my head stop hurting. I did get that...along with a bunch of dreams. Like most of the dreams I've had all summer I don't remember most of them...other than they are generally disturbing (for example, the vampires...thank you Kristi...but that is a whole other blog). I do remember part of one though because Daddy came for a visit.
Not particularly surprising, it is close to my birthday. And some of the little signs have been around...a Vietnam book repeatedly falling off the shelf, my Goldstar pin reappearing after being gone for two years, stuff like that. But I haven't had dreams with Daddy in them in months.

Okay I thought, it's a belated birthday visit, plus I'm worried about Dad and alot of other stuff in my life. No big deal. Yeah right. Daddy and I sat on the rocks along the seashore and chatted. I told him about things that had been going on, things I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about for one reason or another. These dream talks are almost as good as the real thing, but they also make me miss him. Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy. Even when he tells her what she doesn't want to hear. In my case, to stop overthinking, to stop hesitating and to go more with my heart. Great. Bless him, Daddy always jumped before he looked and he always went with his heart, for better or for worse. Sadly, these are not traits that come easily to me. I guess I'm going to have to work on them... sigh.

Waiting

2009-09-01T19:41:00.005-04:00

Anyone who knows me well, knows patience is not one of my stronger virtues. Since I tend to give the Tazmanian Devil as run for his money, having to go slow and wait for things to come to me isn't something with which I have much practice. In fact, I'll choose just about any other virtue to work on instead. I'm just not your average, take it easy kind of gal, well in any respect actually.

I guess all those times I've put off cultivating patience has finally caught up to me. It seems much of what I'm doing lately is waiting... waiting to hear about a job, waiting for my Master's Degree to show up, so on and so forth. I wish I could say I was embracing this lesson in patience gracefully. It would seem to be the perfect time to practice being mindful, focusing on the moment. Which I can do, if I have something else going to occupy my hands... making bread, washing dishes, pretty much anything. Give me a moment when my hands are idle though and I'm right back to obsessing.

One of the most difficult things I'm obsessing about right now is waiting to see what is happening with my Dad's health. Over a month ago he was admitted to the hospital with a pneumothorax of the left lung. Three weeks of inpatient treatment and now another of the same treatment at home haven't healed the lung. We have all been having to wait...to see if the lung will heal, for the next series of tests, to see if another treatment will have to be tried despite the risks, to see if Dad can even gather up the energy to walk across the house today when he couldn't yesterday.

It is always difficult to be patient when there is a particular outcome in mind. I think it is more difficult when the outcome is unclear. You are having to wait, but you don't know what it is you are waiting for. Right now, we all hope for good news...that the lung has healed and Dad can return to his regular activities as his strength returns. Yet, the reality is, the longer this goes on, the greater the risk to Dad's overall health as well as the dampening of his spirits. And all any of us can do is wait...and play the cards Fate deals us.

The Past Year...

2009-08-30T20:28:00.002-04:00

Some of you know what I've been up to, at least in part, for the past year. There have been some great joys, including the birth of the youngest goddaughter, Ryanne Nichole in November,graduating with my Master's Degree in Environmental Science and watching more of "my kids" graduate high school and move on with their lives. There have been some sorrows, including my Dad's declining health and the tragic loss of my brother Nate's partner, among others.

For most of the past year, I was battling my demons again. The anxiety was bad enough. When it combined with the depression this time around, it hit me in a new and disturbing way. I have always relied upon my intellect, probably too much. Academic life, school, books...these have always been my safety zone. I know what the rules are, expectations are clearly laid out and there are few if any nasty surprises to disrupt that area of calm in my life. At least until the last year, when suddenly I found myself unable to rely on my intellect. My ability to skim material and pound out a decent paper at the last minute was gone. Reading became a huge difficulty. Writing papers became almost impossible at times. And all of this in the middle of my graduate studies. My ability to communicate went out a window. I couldn't follow my own train of thought some days, let alone anyone else. I managed to get through to graduate. At the time, I did enough to get through my classes to get to May 4th - Graduation. I did not do it gracefully, or with much confidence at some points that I would make it at all.

I did what I normally do when the demons appear. Mainly I go to ground and I wait for it to pass. I know how difficult it is for those around me to watch it happen. I am so blessed to have people who love me enough to be there through it. There are other people in my life who have no idea what goes on with me. They do not have enough of a history to have seen this before. They have no way to know it will pass eventually. I realized it is because I haven't told them, much, if any of it because I haven't wanted to accept this is part of my life.

I have struggled with it for years. I kept hoping each time will be the last . Yet the more I struggled to deny its hold, the worse each round has become. I have had to make peace with this being out of my control (Yes this is me admitting there is something I cannot control). I cannot say I will not be in that dark place again. Instead I acknowledge it, find what blessings are in it and begin to heal again.

One of the blessings so far...I can no longer rely completely on my "rational" mind. Doing so may have protected me at one point in my life, but it has cost me much in my current life. Instead, I'm learning to listen to other parts of myself. It's not easy, and so far the result has been a fair amount of heartache. But I'll take that over the numbing darkness any day.

The Infamous Tire Iron Incident

2009-08-28T20:46:00.003-04:00

So what was the infamous tire iron incident you ask? A few of you have already heard the story, either directly from me or from Nia. For the rest of you, here is how the story goes...

Last November I had the opportunity to present at the Plus Time NH Afterschool Conference. Unfortunately, it was the same Saturday as the Food Sovereignty class I was taking, along with my buddy, cohort, instigator....the list really is endless (You didn't think you'd get to be sweet & innocent in all this, did you?). With some snarling up of time, travel and whatnot, I was able to schedule both events into my day with just enough time to spare. Everything was perfectly planned and prepared for ahead of time. Looking back, I should have been suspicious.

Nia stayed at our house the night before. The plan was to go to the conference, present and then book it (no of course I wouldn't speed)from Manchester to Keene to get to class. No problem. As we walked out of the house, I noticed one of my tires was a little flat. No problem, I just stopped and filled it up and we were off to Manchester. (Nia, stop giggling, I can hear you from here). The conference went well, my presentation was well received and we left with plenty of time to get to Keene with a stop at Panera's to get food and coffee. (Mmmm, mocha lattes....sorry caffeine tangent).

It was a cloudy day, the sky was just waiting to open up. No problem, we'd be in class by then. Uh-huh. Then, traveling along Route 9, about ten minutes from Keene, my car started to handle funny. Uh-oh I thought....just get me to Keene. Then I started to hear the thump...thump...thump that along with the smell of burning rubber alerted me to the fact I had a flat. Quickly pulling far over onto the shoulder...trust me you don't want to be anywhere near the traffic on that road...I stopped, got out and looked.

I couldn't just have a simple flat...no I had to have a shredded tire. Okay, I can change a tire no problem... While I was digging everything out of the back of my car, an ordeal in and of itself, Nia was trying to call a classmate to let them know we'd be a bit late. That was when it started to rain. So okay, sometimes the Universe is not particularly nice to me, but it usually works out fine. So I'm keeping my swearing to a minimum....okay, I was keeping the volume to a minimum, and I hadn't gotten to the really creative ones yet. Nia meanwhile is happily chatting away on the phone, just as a NH State trooper pulls up to help. Needless to say we were both very happy.

Granted I can change a tire, I just don't like to do it. If the damsel in distress mode gets me out of it, so much the better. The very nice trooper was happy to help. It was a good thing he did stop. The tire iron that came with Fith (aka the KIA) sucks...as does the jack. Also, the tire rim did not want to come off, at least not until I beat on it a bit. Finally we got the bad tire off and replaced with the doughnut which would get me to Keene and then home. Of course, this is all just background for the really funny part (I say funny as in ironic, Nia says funny as in HA, HA, I have to tell everyone in the cohort this!)

The Trooper's tire iron was one of those nice 4 way versions. They spin very nicely to tighten up the lug nuts. Which he was doing as he had me start lowering the jack. Unfortunately, that required my head being in the vicinity of the tire iron. Everything was coming along nicely when
*whack*. The tire iron hit me right in the forehead.

It did stun me for a second...until I could hear Nia LAUGHING. And no it did not break the tire iron as was suggested by one of my friends. The poor Trooper though. He was so embarrassed and was apologizing profusely, over Nia's LAUGHING. assured him that there were many people who would have paid to have seen it happen. Nia agreed, laughing even more (wait, why do I like you again...?). In the process, I also broke my last watch...it's that linear time thing. He hurriedly packed up and sent us on our way to class, calling out our thanks as we went.

Of course, those of you who have known me for a long time know that 1) I am stubborn, sometimes to the point of stupidity when the Universe is trying to get a message to me and 2) I am hardheaded in all sense of the word...Irish and Italian...you expect what else? The standard joke is it requires a 4x4 to the head repeatedly to get me to pay attention and follow the guidance I'm given. Apparently the 4x4 has been retired...or broken...I swear it was not intentional. The guardian angel apparently was forced to resort to tire irons.

Needless to say the story was told throughout Antioch that week. Especially since my head didn't actually start to hurt until about an hour later. Further proof of my thick head...did I mention the Irish part? So that is the story. Of course now I cannot help but wonder what will happen if I break a tire iron?

TAH DAH!

2009-08-27T20:11:00.002-04:00

It has been a year...and a few days...oops...since I last posted. I I apologize for the long gap in between posts.

I would say it is because of my personal issues with linear time...the same issues that prevent me from wearing an actual correctly operating time piece and that change the time on my alarm clock (despite the time lock remaining firmly in place). I could make the argument and most of you would believe it. I could even argue that a certain godson of mine...I have only one officially until November...has been playing with the time/space continuum, despite strict orders from this godmother ( Don't laugh Dryad, I'll revise the contract again and you'll get them BOTH when he turns 12, hee, hee, hee)...but I digress.

The actual reason I have been lapse in posting is the past year has been long and full of various adventures, a mixed bag of them ( Envision a sack full of cats, it is sort of the same thing). Some were wonderful. others not so much, some I hope to never have to repeat experiencing again in this lifetime. All of it combined contributed to me having little time or brain power for blogging.

But that is all going to change. In honor of my birthday, I am gifting all of you with a promise to post at least once a week. I have at least 52 stories from the past year, some quite amusing to share. And since my birthday isn't until tomorrow...I'm already early! Woohoo! Quick, someone mark it on a calendar, it likely won't happen again any time soon.

I will try to post tomorrow...but I can't promise. It is my birthday and I plan to head to the ocean for the day. The laptop...which needs a name by the way...is staying home. While I will have my phone with me...it does not get a signal where I am going. Double woohoo!

Maybe I will start with the adventure I had with the tire iron...(Shut up Nia, it wasn't that funny!)

Happy News!

2008-08-13T19:47:00.002-04:00

Wonderful news...I have a new faerygodbaby. Hailey Rene was born last night. I saw her today. She is beautiful. There is nothing better than holding a brand new life to make the world seem like an okay place. And for those who are keeping track, Hailey is my ninth godbaby.

Catching up

2008-07-22T08:19:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I've been really bad about blogging. To be fair, I've been very, very busy. So here is the latest:
The 4th of July weekend went off almost perfectly. We had over 10,000 visitors to the Wall. Visitors came from all over New England. Many were vets who were thrilled to have the Wall be near home. One visitor was a Gold Star mother. She visits the traveling walls anytime they are near her home in VT. She always brings a bouquet of flowers and a note for her son. Then she has someone else place them at the Wall for her. She can't look at his name, even after all these years. She told me she's just not ready to give him up yet. There are lots more stories, I just can't quite write them down yet.

My grad school classes are done, projects aren't. Okay, one is all done. The other two are in the process of being worked on. The cool thing about Antioch is I do not have to do traditional work. I swear if I had had to write a research paper this summer I was going to hurt someone. So I created a handbook on working with teens in group settings. It's called "Herding Cats" (For those of you who know my kids at the NET, you understand). My other projects are illustrating and writing a book for kids on salt marshes (my favorite type of wetland) and doing a monitoring visit and an easement proposal. Do I know how to have fun or what?

The other project will be my authentication project for my practicum. Since I don't finish teaching until August 7th, I'm not worrying about that until the 8th. Then, I'll work on the curriculum. UGH! (I hate curriculum development, it is evil).

With any luck, I will have the details of my fall and spring practicum ironed out today. Though I'm still awaiting official word that I have been selected to be the student editor for the 2009 edition of the Whole Terrain Journal. We'll see after today what is what.

My garden is growing well, despite it's very late start. I expect to have the first harvests from it in the next week or so. My rosemary plant is thriving. Apparently, I can only grow them outdoors. I do have to spend a little time weeding and hoeing up the plants. I have to wrangle up red worms too, so we can start vermiculture composting in the house (Don't tell Rowan). Inside, my jasmine plant is also blossoming for the second time this year. I'm very excited since it usually only gets flowers every 18 months or so. Of course now I have to wait again to repot it. It needs a larger pot and a sturdier trellis to grow up.

Other than that, I've been taking lots of naps. For some reason, I'm not tolerating the heat very well this summer. By 8:00 in the morning, I'm generally saying it is too hot (Yes, I know, frightening isn't it?). I blame it on associating with so many snow faeries. (You know who you are) They must be rubbing off on me. Bad faeries! I just need to hang out with my dark faeries once school is back in session. They will counter the evil snow effects. Maybe we can even conjure up an Indian Summer. Hee!

The Wall That Heals

2008-07-02T08:02:00.004-04:00

I know I've been bad about updating. School, teaching and getting for the Wall That Heals has sucked up all my time. The good news, it is finally here!

The Wall arrived yesterday afternoon. The trailer was escorted from Ascutney Vt into Newport by the Sullivan County Sheriff's' Dept. (Thank you Sheriff Prozzo and Deputy Sheriff Batista) as well as by member of the American Legion Riders and Rolling Thunder NH Chapter 1. I was there as well to get some photos before running off to get photos of it coming in at Parlin Field. (We won't talk about how fast I had to drive to pull that off....wait, I forgot, I didn't drive fast, I just hit the transdimensional portals on the back roads...yeah...that's it!) I got some great photos, which I will post as soon as I get them developed.

What I didn't expect was how I felt. I've been focusing on what needs to be done. When I saw it was really here, the first thought that popped into my head is I wish Daddy was here to see it. And then I realized, if he was, likely I wouldn't have been involved in any of this. Strange but true. I had a rough time with it yesterday. Luckily it passed.

It's not a bad thing to know that part of who you are now is informed by events in your life that were beyond your control. It's all about what you do with it. I can only hope, Daddy is happy what I've done with this.

In case I don't have a chance to update again during the weekend, everyone please have a safe and happy 4th of July. Make sure to hug your friends and family. And remember, our freedom was not nor is now, free.

Happy 1st Day of Summer

2008-06-20T10:35:00.004-04:00

I've been very, very busy. Plus I've been making sure I get enough sleep so my brain actually works sort of how it is supposed to... I wanted to wish everyone a happy first day of summer. I'll post more later about what I've been doing and upcoming plans. For anyone in the area, don't forget the opening ceremony for the Wall that Heals event in Newport is July 3 at 11:00 am. Guess who one of the speakers is? Hugs and kisses to all!

Life Lessons

2008-05-22T19:18:00.002-04:00

As you know from an earlier blog, my best friend's dad died two weeks ago. It was both expected and unexpected. Losing him shook me up, but I found some measure of peace with it because I had enough warning that I could say goodbye to the man I had loved like a father for the past twenty five years.

Last night, I found out a member of RT Chapter 1 was killed in a motorcycle accident. She was about my age. I'd met her a few times and was looking forward to getting to know her better this weekend at the DC events. In a split second, any number of lives were altered. The email Doc sent out informing all of us, closed with a reminder to tell those we hold in our thoughts that we love them, and give them a hug.

You never know when your time or theirs will be up. We often put off telling people how much they mean to us and we shouldn't. So for all of you who read my blog, I love you. Here's your hug.

Touching Base

2008-05-20T00:05:00.003-04:00

I've been neglecting posting for a few days. Between trying to finish up papers, write a speech for Memorial Day, and all the other stuff that has been going on, I just haven't had time. Life has been fairly hectic lately. I'm hoping things will calm down long enough for me to at least get caught up on things before the summer insanity starts. Though I do think I've nailed the schedule down fairly well. I'll have to wait and see if it really works the way I think it will.

In the meantime, I will be finishing the immediate things up before I run away on Friday. This weekend is the annual Memorial Day trip to DC. It looks to be sunny and in the 70's the whole trip. Great weather, good friends, and lots and lots of motorcycles. What more could a girl want? Okay, there are a few things, but I don't think I'll look for them in DC.

If I don't have a chance to write again before I leave, I want to let all my friends that are veterans, that I'll be thinking of you this weekend, especially the guys from Hotel Company, and my fellow RT folks, especially the Rollins family. Everyone please have a safe weekend!

Sad news

2008-05-08T15:24:00.002-04:00

For those who don't know yet, my best friend's dad passed away yesterday afternoon. Right now I'm just trying to get through the next couple of days supporting her and the rest of the family. Please add them to your prayers, thoughts, etc.

Just a quick note

2008-04-29T21:36:00.005-04:00

I wanted to let everyone know I made it home safe and sound from my travels to DC with the kids. I had planned to relax...yeah right. Let's just say things were interesting...like the Chinese curse..."May you live in interesting times"...interesting. Apparently from a note I received, it got more interesting after I left.

Anyhoo...I'm home. I'm tired and very sore. I'm going to soak in a hot bath and go to bed. Jet will be wanting to take her walk in the morning and I have an environmental art project to complete before I have to take it to Keene in the evening. UGH!

At least there are only 2 more weeks to school. Then maybe I can get in some of that relaxation time.

And the craziness just keeps coming...

2008-04-25T11:34:00.003-04:00

I decided to take a couple of minutes to blog over lunch. I figured if I didn't post something soon, I would start getting the emails asking if I was still breathing. So for all my friends...still breathing, life is still crazy, but the sun is shining and I'm feeling pretty good about life in general. Could just be the change in treatment, but hey, whatever it takes!

I'm trying to get all my stuff together and complete. The semester ends in a couple of weeks. ACK! Plus, I'm teaching programs, classes, etc. Next week is school vacation. Normally I'd use the week to get all my work done. We all know how well I do normal. So instead, I will be helping with the clean up at a Veteran's cemetery on Saturday, going to study my Flora community site, then packing. I leave for DC at 4:00 am on Sunday. The kids from the NET are going, so I'm going down too for a couple days to be with them.

The plan is to fly home Tuesday afternoon, drive home and start in on whatever projects are due for school that week. Hopefully, by the time I get back the books I'm waiting for will have arrived. That's what I'm praying for, so I don't have to ask for an extension.

In the meantime, I'm off to play with RT and then my kids. I may drop off the radar completely, but don't worry, I'm still breathing and I'm planning on actually RELAXING for a couple of days. (And no I have not been possessed or taken over by aliens) I'll update on the rest of my life next week.

Busy weekend

2008-04-20T20:47:00.002-04:00

It has been a busy weekend. Not because I was doing homework. That would just be silly. Instead, I took the weekend off, sort of. I drove to Chelsea for the CPR/First Aid training through Rolling Thunder. The training was good, as was the company. It's always fun to hang out with people with the same warped sense of humor that I have. Scary as that thought is.

Driving is Massachusetts, not so much fun. I ended up getting turned around trying to get out of Chelsea. I finally drove into Boston to Logan and home from there. I stopped in Concord to pick up supplies for my final art project (does that count as homework?). I made into Newport just in time for 4pm mass. Made a couple of family visits along the way home. Once home, I vegged in front of the TV, emailed some and went to bed early. Mainly because I had to get up early. We had to walk Jet before going to Keene to do a 5K.

The roomie and I both did the race in under 40 minutes. Not to bad since I'm completely out of shape. I'm really working on eating better. After the race, we did some shopping, came home, and did pretty much nothing the rest of the day. I actually feel relaxed. At least that is what I think this feeling is...it could be a imbalance from the fresh air, sunlight and exercise.

I'm just thankful to be feeling better. My mood is leveling off and I'm focusing on here and now as much as I can to reduce my stress. And I actually have been having some fun while doing something constructive. This could be the start of a new trend.

One down...

2008-04-16T20:55:00.003-04:00

Tonight was the last night of foster parent training for the Spring session. In some ways, it was a very short 5 weeks and in others, it went on forever, or so it seemed. I am very pleased with this group. I think they are all going to be wonderful foster parents. I'm glad I had the chance to be part of their preparation for that. I'm also glad it in finished. It means I have a couple of nights now at home. I can cook a decent meal, do some homework and get to bed earlier than I have been. I'm tired. It's not the exhaustion that comes from fighting with my demons. It's just being on the run so much.

Things are still chaotic around me. My schedule is still crazy. I'm working on what I can control and not control in all of this...necessary in demon fighting. I'm also working on why I keep myself so busy. I've always assumed it was so I didn't have to face my depression and anxiety. That would be easy. In reality, those demons are actually angels in disguise...they are my warning system that things internally and externally are really out of whack. I wish I could say it was more the external stuff, but it's not, at least not at this stage in my life.

In general, I'm at a stage where I'm realizing I have alot of regrets...mainly things I haven't accomplished more that things I have done, though there are a few of those in the mix. Part of me knows some of them are still possible. Some I feel may be beyond me at this point. Of course the tricky part is figuring out what I can still do and be able to do it while also managing my life so it's not making me feel crazy.

This is where I'm getting fouled up right now. There are many things I would like to do and could do. Except, my self confidence has taken some serious hits the past couple of years with the depression and anxiety flair ups. I'm more afraid of those getting really bad again than anything else in my life. Each one has felt worse than the last and felt like it took longer to bounce back from. I know it is mainly my perception of the past couple of years, that I'm actually handling everything in a much healthier way than before. I just don't feel it...at least not yet.

In a round about way, what led me to thinking about this tonight was something Father McHugh (the priest at mass, not my stepdad) said this morning during the prayers. He asked God for the grace to surmount the suffering we experience when we act toward a higher good. I've been talking to some of my kids about something similar. We like to think doing the right thing, for ourselves or others, will be easy and pain free. I don't believe that is true. Quite the opposite, I believe that doing what we know is right in our hearts is often the most difficult and painful thing we can do. What makes the difference is the grace we receive when we follow our heart's true calling. That is when all the suffering has been worth it. It is bittersweet, but then so is life.

Sunshine...finally

2008-04-15T22:03:00.003-04:00

We have finally had a really sunny day! And the promise of more to come and warm temperatures. Maybe spring is really here. Thank heavens. Much more cold and cloudy weather would push me right over the edge.

I succeeded in getting the classes I want for the summer. I may be able to expand my practicum into a 4 credit instead of a 2. Then I would be half way done with my total practicum credits. Have to work on the plan so it will work. It was worth staying up late last night just to get this all taken care of. The summer will also mean I have more free time in spots. Not all the spots connect, but that is okay. Give me too much free time or horror of horrors, a real vacation, I get weird ...in the bad way. Most of the time I'm just weird, in a cute and mildly obnoxious way. It comes from working with teens all these years. (That is my story and I am sticking to it)

I decided I need to do something to start building in some free time. People keeps telling me I need to get more rest. This is coming from people who haven't physically seen me looking like the undead so I'm guessing it's one of those cosmic signs. The ones that turn into 2x4's to the head, though in my case, I'm fairly sure the guardian angels go straight to the steel reinforced 4x4's. Hey,I can admit I'm stubborn. It's part of my charm. I'm working on being a little more open to the suggestions from beyond ( and occasional people). Nowadays, it only takes two or three hits to the head. See, progress.

On the note of progress and taking proper care of myself, I'm off to bed. I'm going to mass in the morning. Lots of my people needing prayers these days. With everything going on around me, let alone in my head, I need the grounding that I get at mass. I'm praying the sunlight and warmth continue. I think it will help alot of people feel better, including me.

Joys of Grad School

2008-04-14T23:17:00.002-04:00

It has been a crazy day. Got lots done this morning. Then I was off to get a massage...my body feels much better now. Then I flew (I'm pretty sure the car left the ground at least once) to the Teen Center with kiddos having meltdowns all over the place and then I rushed to Vermont to train foster parents on the joys of? Adolescents! I didn't see home again until 9:30 pm. I should be exhausted...wait, I am exhausted. So why am I up at this insane hour, especially since I have an 8:00am meeting. Because I'm crazy? Well, I am slightly more touched by the Divine than some, I'm trying to learn to just go with it. But that isn't the reason I am still awake at this hour. Oh no, it's far more twisted than that, it's all because of grad school.

Some people might think I was up this late doing homework since it is almost the end of the semester. Those of you who know me well know how funny that thought really is. No, I'm waiting until 12:01 am on April 15th to register for my summer courses. Normally I would just do it tomorrow morning.However, there are two classes that everyone I know is trying to get into, so I have to register as early as possible. Sadly, that is 12:01 in the morning. Who says folks in the registration office don't have a warped sense of humor obviously does not attend Antioch.

As a result, I'm typing away here. I've already packed my bag for my morning meeting and gathered together my materials for my Tuesday night class. (Be very afraid people) I have also put away all the clean dishes, emptied the dirty ones into the dishwasher, switched over my laundry and started another load. Times like this I scare myself. One of these days I might actually begin to think I'm an organized, responsible adult. Ackkkk! The horror of it.

Thank goodness for angels

2008-04-13T20:55:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in a few days. My schedule has been very full, as usual. In some ways it has been a blessing. I had class this weekend. It forced me to do some work. Most importantly, it got me outside both days. That combined with a concerted effort to get enough sleep and eat better, as well as a medication shift has greatly improved my mood.

A few other things have helped. I've had a few visitations from doves the past few days. Always a good sign. The other came via a little brown bird I know. In a chat we had during one of my not so hot days, she told me to pay attention to signs, especially at mass (I'm mainly Irish and Italian...what else would you expect?). Strangely enough I made it to mass this week, because my class schedule changed due to a shift in the weather report. And the message? Don't give up and stay on track. Simple and to the point.

Lucky for me, I have angels watching over me.

The Blahs

2008-04-08T22:36:00.003-04:00

I'm not even sure what to write. I'm here tonight mainly because I can't sleep. Not because of too much caffeine. I wish it was that. I haven't even finished the cup of team I made when I got home from work. My brain just won't slow down.

Instead it's a combination of feeling overwhelmed and numb, at the same time, if that makes any sense. I had hoped the sun and the warm weather would help to lift my mood some, get it out of the root cellar it seems to be hiding in. But no such luck. If anything, I feel worse because I can't really seem to enjoy it. I can cope so long as I'm doing something...something other than homework that is, which is adding to my anxiety and so on and so forth. Put it all together and I'm a mess...one with inhibited executive functioning.

The really crazy part...things should be fine, going according to plan. Except they aren't. Makes me wonder if I'm on the wrong plan...or the wrong timetable or something. All I know is I have to make some significant changes before this gets anymore out of control. I'm just not sure I trust myself to figure out what is the best thing for me right now. Following through on what is best for me...whole other issue.

Right now, some clear guidance and a little help would make a world of difference. Guess I'll have to wait for my guardian angel to get back from coffee break.

Brain in Rebellion

2008-04-06T22:42:00.003-04:00

I haven't written here for a few days. Some of the reason is I've been incredibly busy. The other reason...my brain has decided to raise its own little rebellion. Basically, my anxiety attacks are coming daily and the depression is back. I've tried to explain to the brain that this is not a convenient time to do this. I have professional responsibilities plus it is almost the end of the semester. My brains response? Another anxiety attack and not being able to spell simple words...like "the". Cute, huh?

I'm being very responsible and taking the necessary medications. My other tricks to help...not really working. It might have something with my language center being out to lunch at the moment. Simple conversations are challenging...I can't track them very well and words keep escaping me. I know what I want to say...the words just run away before I can speak. Not a good thing when I have presentations to give and papers to write.

So I'm falling back on some other tricks. I went to church, late mass, but I still made it. I did some painting this evening. I ate one healthy meal today and I decided to not do two of the things I wanted to do today. I hated it, but I know I've already pushed myself about as far as I can. I did discover something interesting about my language issues though. Apparently it doesn't apply to prayer. I spent part of a recent car ride trying to stay, okay not calm, I was way beyond that, but at least level enough to get where I needed to get. I recited the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Prayer to St. Micheal over and over again. Apparently they are in the subconscious deep enough that the anxiety can't touch them. Lucky for me, because God knows I wasn't capable of coming up with any of my own prayers at that point.

Of course, I should be in bed at this hour since sleep is one of those key elements to sanity. It would help if I was tired, but I'm not. So I will read in bed until either my alarm goes off or I fall asleep. And I'll say a prayer that this passes quickly. Here's hope, I only spelled one word wrong while writing this...okay I spelled alot of them wrong, I only missed fixing one on my own.

A little woohoo!

2008-04-01T23:34:00.003-04:00

I just arrived safely home from my Rolling Thunder chapter meeting. After two plus hours of driving through fog....lots and lots of heavy fog (let's just say someone is in trouble for that one), then torrential downpours, thunder and lightening and then surprise...more fog. (You know who you are...I expect chocolate).

Anyhoo...the little woohoo? I got my boot patch and my first cookie. Yay me! Of course, now I have to get a leather vest. I'd get a jacket, but it will be too hot to wear in DC for the RT events over Memorial Day.

I'm off to sleep (I hope). Up early again tomorrow. Is is July 2009 yet?

Clouds just won't clear out

2008-04-01T11:01:00.002-04:00

It's one of those days. Outside, it is grey. The sky, the fog, everything. Inside, my mood fits. I even inadvertently put on a grey sweater as I ran out to a morning meeting. Not a good sign. I wish the clouds would clear already, outside and especially in my head.

Of course the part that really sucks...I did this one to myself...again. I've been pushing myself like crazy for weeks. Add juggling events that came up spur of the moment, and it really goes downhill from there. The worst part, I still have two and a half weeks before my schedule opens up even a little. Actually, that is the second worst part, the real worst part, I'm having to fight with myself to not start adding other things in. And I'm not talking about fun things either. Ugh!

Oh well. In the meantime, I have to finish the laundry, take a shower, get ready for work, etc. Have to remember to gas the car too. I've managed to forget three times now. I do it again, I'll be stranded on my way to tonight's meeting. Maybe while I'm doing that I can get the cats to do my homework. They keep taking over my desk chair, seems only fair they do the homework sitting there.

Busy Sunday

2008-03-30T20:43:00.003-04:00

It is almost time to go to bed...according to Jet at least. I'm not terribly tired. Over the past two days I've slept about 26 hours. I guess I was more tired than I realized. As a result, I missed the Gold Star Mother Memorial dedication this morning. I did make it to the lecture on Agent Orange. It was an amazing presentation. I'll go into another time for all my Vietnam Vet readers. I made some great contacts for work on my paper, plus I hooked up with another RT member going to the funeral tomorrow, so now I don't have to do four hours of driving. Plus, I found another route to RT meetings in Epping, which will save a little time.

I got home around 6:00 with groceries and a larger watercolor pad. I made dinner and vegged on the couch. The roomie wouldn't let me have tea. She's holding me to cutting back on caffeine. Why did I tell her again? I also got to watch Jet kiss the dog on the TV screen. Really. Like I've said, she's touched. The roomie has decided to help work Jet (since she is a working dog breed) that she's going to get her a dog back pack so she can carry her own stuff on walks. Of course, she'll act all sad and pathetic, sort of like she is right now (it's bedtime in her reality).

The other good news, Noreen is in Saigon and there have been no new cirsis with the kiddos (knock wood). I'm off to bed so I'm rested for tomorrow.

Headless duckies and other highlights from today

2008-03-28T21:10:00.004-04:00

It snowed, just not quite how I wished. Not enough to cancel classes, darn it all. I think a certain snow faery had something to do with it. (Just you wait, I'm calling up mud as we speak). I made my way slowly and carefully to Keene, no 180's on Route 12 this time. I attended my first class. I think I remember some of it, too tired to really be sure. And then I turned just the wrong way and *pop* went my back. I tried to ignore it but moving rapidly became difficult and painful. Any other afternoon I would have toughed it out, but we had a quiz in the field scheduled....three hours hiking in snow and slush. I decided to not be tough. I emailed my professor and headed home to rest.

Just as I started my car, I received a text message from one of my kids...who did have a snow day from school...humph. She'd just found the guy she's crazy about with another girl. She needed talk to her "Mom" so I took the long way home to see her. Very important, when your back hurts, sitting in a drafty, cold Dunkin Donuts is not advisable, but I digress. We talked. It's hard to explain to someone who has just had her heart broken that sometimes teenage guys are jerks (Sorry to all my male friends out there) and you can still love someone even after they've hurt you, etc, etc. I got to the importance of taking care of yourself, healthy boundaries, all that stuff. She finally went home to rest with a promise to text me if she needed to talk. Last I knew, she was hurting but with friends who are taking care of her. Note to self, get my phone plan changed to unlimited texts.

I finally got home. Jet was sleeping in her crate. I took a hot bath and laid down to rest. I was up again by the time the Roomie got home. I had had a phone call about the mother of another friend being ill so the candle was lit and the prayers said. (So far, doesn't seem to be as bad as we thought, but keep your fingers crossed) While I was vegging on the couch, Jet brought me her headless duckie.

Periodically, we bring Jet stuffies to play with. The latest was a little mallard duck toy for Easter.(Yes, the dog got Easter presents too!) Like all the other stuffies, Jet decapitated the poor thing. We have just noted the headless trend. It has been suggested to us that she rips off the head first so they don't stare at her while she chews on them. See how clever she is? She is very attached to her headless toys so we have to wait until she's not looking to dispatch them properly.

Other than that, not much going on. I have a ton of homework, I need some serious sleep before the events this weekend and I'm awaiting word Noreen has made it safely to Vietnam.

Mark this date on the calendar

2008-03-27T19:29:00.003-04:00

It is supposed to snow tonight! In special deference to my buddy Dryad I'm happy to welcome the snow. Really... Aren't I a good friend?

Okay, I'm actually hoping for the snow so I don't have to go to class tomorrow. I'm tired and I haven't studied for my New England Flora test. There are no brain cells capable of retaining Latin. I want to stay curled up in bed with a mug of tea and read a book. So the more snow the better.

Bet you NEVER thought you'd hear ME say that.

I knew I forgot something...

2008-03-27T12:56:00.002-04:00

Silly me, I forgot to put sleep down on the healthy lifestyle changes. Must have been the insomnia's doing. I only got about 2 hours of sleep last night. Normally not a problem except I'm working until 9:00pm tonight and then have to study for my New England Flora quiz. Whose brilliant idea was it again to make scientific names Latin? (Don't even start Sparrow....I'll give the kids pixie sticks and Mountain Dew, and a drum set, I mean it.) Ugh!

Another round

2008-03-26T22:40:00.004-04:00

It is almost 11:00pm. I should be tucked away in bed fast asleep. Yeah, right. Instead, my latest round of insomnia has kicked in to join the anxiety attacks I've been having. Trying to change my approach though.

First off, I'm starting to wean myself off of coffee. Scary for those of you who know I generally have a Dunkin Donuts cup attached on an almost constant basis. I'm not crazy enough to quit cold turkey...no one should have to suffer through me when I do. So only one cup today. I switched to water, tea and herb tea (No I have not been taken over by an alien) I even cut the amount of sugar in my regular tea.

I'm currently researching diet changes I can make, as well as supplements that might help level things out emotionally and physically. So back to the healthy eating thing. (Though I refuse to give up chocolate...it is one of the few vices I indulge in) And now that it is warmer out and my feet are improving, I can start walking. I really want to go right back to running but I have to balance out the endorphin rush with being able to walk. So moderation (No really, I haven't been taken over by aliens)

Of course, my work schedule, including school and volunteer stuff is still nuts. I'm laying some groundwork which will make both the schedule and me more sane...I hope. But here's the real kicker. Prepare to be amazed...or frightened, whatever.

I've promised myself that for every stressful thing I do, even if it is a good thing, necessary at the moment, etc. I'm going to do something, even a little thing I enjoy and that let's me focus on the good stuff in life. So here I am writing in my blog. I just finished the second of two watercolors I'm working on for school. (Yes I'm painting Mona!) I've got seed planted and I'm researching composting and square foot gardening. I've got part of the design for my business cards sketched out. I've got lots of little stuff that makes me happy. Okay cleaning my desk isn't one of them...I figure I'll just plan a dinner party so I have to clean it to use the dining room table...otherwise known as my disaster area. The best part, is I can refocus on anyone of them when the anxiety attacks start or the insomnia hits. Thinking happy thoughts doesn't help much but doing things that make me happy seems to be a workable plan. And my brain goes happily along with it. Trixy aren't I?

PS. If anyone would like paintings, I'm happy to oblige. I'll try to post pictures once my digital camera is charged and running.

Rolling Thunder Events

2008-03-25T16:18:00.003-04:00

This Sunday is going to be crazy. The dedication of the site for the Gold Star Mother memorial is in the morning. Then there is a related event at the Epping American Legion Hall for providing information about the impact of Agent Orange on Vietnam Vets. Crazy in and of itself. But there is one more event I have to attend after that.

Monday is the funeral services for the Army medic from New Hampshire. Rolling Thunder has requested as many members attend as possible to support the family as well as a request for any other Gold Star families to attend. Lucky me, I fall into both and I have a flexible work schedule. Normally I avoid funerals, especially military funerals like the plague. But I feel I am supposed to go to this one. I don't know why. Gotta love it when that happens.

At least I can go to mass on Saturday. And now I have to sign out...before Mackenzie loses my blog.

"Only the dead have seen the end of war"

2008-03-24T14:54:00.007-04:00

I spent all weekend trying to avoid the news. All last week, the news was reporting the approaching 4000 dead mark for the war in Iraq. Discussions about what significance reaching that number will have on the war effort, the peace movement, etc. Today, the news reports spoke of the 4000 number having been reached. The war still continues as do the arguments both for and against it. The only ones who are beyond it are the dead.

It is the living who have not seen the end to it. Those who are still serving in harms way. Those whose families eagerly await emails from loved ones even as they dread the one message no one wants to receive. Those who received that message, whose hearts carry love and pain in equal measure to their loss. Those who were injured in Iraq, still trying to battle their way back to some type of normal life, those that never will. Those who stand by helpless to heal their loved ones, body mind or soul. Those who have served, returned home and yet are forever changed.

All these have been touched by war, many have stood in the shadow of death. None are the same. Not even the dead. They are merely freed from this war. So today, I pray for the dead, but even more, I pray for the living. May they find the grace and peace they need to heal from the scourge of war. May we find better paths to follow than war.

Sometimes I hate the world

2008-03-19T21:47:00.002-04:00

It's late. I just got home from training foster parents. Of course, the video tape we were supposed to use went wonky....not my fault, it was never in my possession. So Jane and I improvised and used another of the videos. This one tells what it's like to be in foster care from the perspective of a young child who has been through many placements...something that isn't supposed to happen anymore, but sadly does. I try to prepare myself ahead of time when we're going to show it. It always gets to me...I can't help but remember all the families I worked with years ago. I wonder how those kids are doing now and pray they are safe and loved at the very least. I didn't really have time to prepare myself, but managed to get through it. And then the group discussed it, which lead to a conversation that broke my heart.

One of the children in care was just about to be adopted. This child has literally been through Hell. But something went wrong...again. So this little one will be moved again and we start over. I can't imagine suddenly saying I don't want a child that I had been caring for for months. I can't understand how anyone can do that. Of course, in my heart, I can't grasp why anyone would harm a child. I can understand what happens in some cases intellectually, but right now...I'm not in that place. Right now, I want to scream at the injustice of a world where this happens. My only solace is I know the people who will help this little one through it. They are all angels, I swear.

But right now, I hate the world where this is even an issue. So I will go to bed with a mug of tea and my book, and read, and cry, and pray. And tomorrow, I'll remind myself of what someone told me not long ago...that I wouldn't do what I do if it wasn't for the fact that I really did love the world.

Too Many Hours in the Day

2008-03-19T16:40:00.002-04:00

It is about 4:45 pm. I've got about ten minutes to regroup, grab the appropriate work bag and head back out the door. I left this morning at 6:15 am and have been going since. I'd love nothing more than to settle in on the couch with a mug of tea, a good book and the puppy. But alas, I have to go provide training for foster parents until 9:00 tonight.

There are definitely too many hours in the day, at least today. Of course, by the time I get home tonight, I'll be thinking there are too few hours left in the day to get anything more done. Truly sick and twisted I know, but it is how my mind works. Oh well, no rest for the wicked...and all that. Sigh.

St. Patrick's Day - The REAL Story

2008-03-18T21:49:00.002-04:00

If you read yesterday's blog, you know that my roommate went to the Pub while I was slaving away at work. She even brought back a Guinness glass to add insult to injury. Imagine my surprise when I checked my blog comments this afternoon.

It turns out she was really mugged while leaving the gym after work. Some terrible leprechaun forced the glass of Guinness on her. Of course, she had to drink it. Then she dusted herself off and hurried home to let our poor puppy out. I believe her, don't you?

Of course, that doesn't explain where the bright green Guinness sticker on the fridge. Or why a leprechaun would pick a nice Scottish/English girl to give Guinness too. Especially when there is a nice Irish girl around. Maybe the leprechaun is planning on bringing some Guinness home Friday night, especially since I'm pretty sure that some fairy drank all the beer in the house. Seems only fair right?

St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T21:33:00.001-04:00

It's Monday night. I just got home. Unlike a certain roommate who will remain anonymous (you know who you are) I wasn't at the Pub enjoying St. Patrick's Day like a good Irish (okay, part Irish) girl should. I was at work, training potential foster parents for the State of Vermont.
Seems unfair to me. Especially since I got up early to go to a special mass.

St Patrick is the patron of the church I've attended off and on since I was a baby. Take that and it being the start of Holy Week....what can you do? I had to go anyways to light a candle and say a couple of prayers for some friends in need and for a couple of my kids. It seems alot of people I know are having some sort of serious difficulty in their life right now. Some have faith to fall back on, some don't at the moment. I figure lending some of mine can't hurt.

One special interlude this morning before mass involved my Dad and some of the older church ladies. It seems they meet regularly before daily mass to say the rosary together. Each of them takes a section, leading the prayers and asking for special intentions, such as safety in travel for a son, healing for a parishioner with cancer, etc. All of the prayers were for others. And they do it almost everyday. Just a quiet testament to faith and good will toward others.

I do things a little differently. I don't pray the rosary, not because I don't have one. I do, my mom brought it back from Ireland for me. I haven't prayed the complete rosary since I was a child. I haven't retaught myself all the prayers again. (I can just see Sister Marcel shaking her head at me. I got that alot during catechism) So in addition to lighting candles at church, I light novenas at home. While the novena candles burn, I send out prayer requests via email. Some come from me asking for prayers for someone I love. Some come via me as requests from others. The way I see it, so long as the heart is true, where the prayer is said or how it is sent doesn't matter as much. And the more hearts engaged, the better for all involved. Of course this might be part of my past issues with the Catholic church. (Don't tell Father Rick, he'd be shocked). Must be the rebel Irish blood.

Prayer must work though, I saw the true official sign of spring. Two motorcycles out for a ride! Woohoo!

Jet

2008-03-13T21:37:00.002-04:00

Jet has got to be one of the funniest (in both the ha ha and the just a little weird meanings of the word) dogs I've ever had. She is almost a year and a half years old. We've had her since August.
She came to us with very few manners and lots of issues. Now...well I'd say she's normal, but she's really not. I like to say she's a little more touched by God than other dogs.

For example, she insists on being with me in the kitchen while I cook. If the oven timer goes off and I don't get up right away...she'll run back and forth between the oven and me, wherever I happen to be. If it goes off twice, she is not above grabbing ahold of whatever is handy with her mouth. It might be a sweater, it might be a hand.

At this moment, she is pouting. She sleeps with my roommate in her room at night. Jet firmly believes her bedtime is 8:00pm. She will start pacing at 7:30 just so we'll notice her. At 8:00, she will sit and stare at Kristi in between pacing. This will continue until either a) Kristi takes her to bed or b) she proceeds to having a tantrum. Watching a dog beat up on her doggy pillow, her balls, etc. is pretty funny. Chasing the cats, not so much, the cats usually chase back. If that doesn't work, she pouts. She will lay down between my desk and Kristi's desks. And then, she sighs, quite loudly. From her prime vantage spot, she can do the whole sorrowful, woe is me eye roll at both of us. She's trying to guilt Kristi and trying to convince me to make Kristi go to bed. Guess that means I'm alpha?

Of course, during all of this, she could just lay down and sleep. Especially if I'm not sitting on "her" corner of the couch. But she won't. Sometimes she is just too smart for her own good. I don't know where she gets it from.

Random Bits

2008-03-12T21:01:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe I haven't posted in almost a week. There's not much going on. Let's see. I'm on break from school for two weeks. I picked up another class to teach...World History. I start teaching the bi-annual foster parent training next week, so lots to do to prep for that....come to think of it, I should probably get on that tomorrow. I've been doing my programs at the middle school and I just started doing a teen issues group at the Teen Center. It's great, I get paid to hang out with my kids!

What else? Hmmm.... Oh yeah, I've been doing firewood deliveries with Peter. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. Last Saturday, I had one of my godbabies for the day. We planted seeds. They are part of a surprise. I can't go into it here because it is a secret. If you want to know, you'll have to email me. (Except Sparrow, I can't even tell you then, sorry!) I also had a meeting about the Wall That Heals. Make sure to put July 3-6 in your calendars. That is when the Wall will be in Newport. I was supposed to talk about it at Rolling Thunder last week but I had to miss the meeting. Slight crisis with one of the kids...all is calm... I think.

Things were busier than I realized. This weekend I have to shop for a training, I have an all day workshop Saturday and I have to find something green in my wardrobe for Monday! Plus Friday night I'm helping out with a dinner at the Teen Center. Which reminds me, I have to make my hotel reservation for April vacation. A group of the kids have raised money to go to DC. I'm going down for a couple of days. I can't wait. I only wish I could spend the whole time with them. I have to be back for the art exhibit at school. I'll post more about that another time.

I think that is all the latest news. I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay...as of yesterday at least. I do have a couple of friends who are having some rough spots, please keep them in your prayers, whatever form they take. Jet is still a knucklehead. For those who have yet to meet her in person...you'll just have to take my word for it.

I'm off to bed. I have to be up to split wood in the morning. Woohoo! (I'm serious, I actually enjoy it....lots of fresh air)

Oh, before I forget, I not only saw my first robin of the spring...I saw a whole flock of them! Spring is here! Heehee!

Hugs to all!

And just to complicate things...

2008-03-06T22:19:00.002-05:00

As if I wasn't having a hard enough time deciding what to do, the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Fund announced a trip to Vietnam in August. I have been wanting to go to Vietnam for a long time, but something has always come up. And now, I have to decide if I want to go, and oh, that little question of how to pay for it (details, details).

It seems alot of this trip will be about Project Renew. This project focuses on finding and safely eliminating unexploded ordinance left from the war. It is hard to imagine people are still being wounded and dying, not to mention what it does to the environment.

I'm really interested in the project, both as a graduate student in environmental studies and the daughter of someone who lost his life to an explosive device. And my birthday is in August. Maybe this is the sign I've been looking for? Or I've just been reading too much Jung in preparation for my presentation tomorrow morning. And so, goodnight...I'm away to bed.

Betwixt and Between

2008-03-06T14:10:00.002-05:00

I hate this time of year. The ground is still covered with snow and ice. It's still cold enough to need a coat. Yet the sun is warmer and there are definite signs of spring. I guess I'm just impatient. I want winter to be over and spring to be here fully. I'm feeling impatient alot these days.

I'm trying to decide what to do about a practicum. Or where to do one. Do I stay close to home or go away for a couple of months? What do I do about work in the meantime. Do I stay where I'm needed or do I run screaming for the hills. I have elements in my life I love and enjoy and at the same time, it feels like nothing in my life quite fits. I don't know where to go from here. Like the seasons, I'm betwixt and between.

I have faith this is serving some kind of purpose, but it doesn't make it any easier here in the present moment. It would be nice to get a hint of what it is...sort of like seeing the first crocus peeping out of the snow letting you know your faith in spring has paid off.

Oh well, off to class.

Ash's Birthday Wish

2008-03-04T20:00:00.003-05:00

One of my girls turned 16 today! It's hard to believe. It was just yesterday she was an obnoxious 6th grader. I ran to the florist's to get her flowers. She has had a rough haul the past few years. Too much to even get into here. Let's just say, she is one of my special ones. Okay, all my kids are special in their own unique twisted ways. But there are only a few of them that call me Mom and mean it. Ash is one.

I gave her the flowers before she left school. Then I ran into at the Teen Center...she had called to make sure I was going to stop by to check on another of my kids who had been MIA. While I was hanging out with them (who needs to do homework...it's only 3 papers that are due), she told me what her birthday wish was. Her older brother is serving in Iraq. She wants him home. She knew it was just a wish, so we redid it, deciding instead to turn it into a prayer for his safe return. Her greatest fear, of course, is that her wish won't come true. It's one of mine too, but I didn't tell her that. I've been able to mentor her through alot of stuff...I pray to heaven I don't have to ever help any of my kids through that.

So tonight, I'll light a novena candle and Friday, I'll light another at mass. I'll add Brandon to my regular list of those I ask be watched over (Ash is already on it) and I'll pray for peace, so they can all come home safe to their loved ones.

Suffer for Sanity

2008-03-03T16:45:00.002-05:00

There's a great line in the song "Vincent" about having to suffer for sanity. It's a beautiful song in general, if a bit sad. But that particular line strikes a chord for me. It speaks the experience of trying to maintain normalcy - read sanity- when your own mind and body are taking you places that are anything but normal, let alone sane.

That has been what the past couple of years have been like for me. I was diagnosed officially two years ago with depression as well as an anxiety disorder. It is likely I've had them most of my life. For a long time I was better at living with it. Mainly because I totally ignored its presence in my life. Once I started college and realized things really weren't normal, I switched right into denial and all sorts of coping mechanisms that were anything but healthy. Some of you have known me that long...you know how crazy I really was. By sheer stubbornness, incredible support from my friends and just plain divine intervention, I made it through those times. Fairly battered and scarred, but alive. That is when I really started to deal with some of the issues in my life.

As a result, there are alot of people who are no longer welcome in my life. It came down to I could be the "good girl" I was raised to be or I could have some measure of sanity in my life. Some of it came out of a realization that I create enough chaos in my life without having input from anyone else. The really funny part of all of this? The more I have dealt with things and started to decide what I really want in my life...the crazier I have felt. The depression is bad enough, but the panic attacks? They really suck. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak. I'm better than I was, but I hate being out of control, especially of my own mind and body. And that is what the attacks do to me. The really, really funny part...it means I'm actually saner than I've ever been.

In this day and age, we have medicines to help with both issues. And after a great deal of soul searching, as well as a couple of well placed swats with 2X4's from the Universe, I have used them. I've also gone into counseling, returned to the faith of my childhood,, as well as to my art. The fight has been going on for two years now. We'll say the war has been a draw up until now.

I've reached a point where I realize this war may never be over. There are battles with myself I will have to fight at various points. I've had to accept this is something I can't fix by sheer force of will. My sanity is hard won some days, and I do suffer, that's the price of not giving into it. It may continue to be the price as I work to come out of the cocoon I've hidden in for the past two years, waiting for this to be fixed and go away. And, I've found that speaking about my experiences has helped some other people going through the same things...people who felt too afraid to tell anyone. That is how I felt for a long time too. I feel now that keeping it a secret only gives it strength over my day to day life. It has had too much already. I refuse to let it have any more than I have to.

Now my prayers are focused on finding a way to live my life knowing this particular demon can reappear to breath down my neck at any time. If I have to suffer through it to keep my sanity, then I want to make sure I also have created a life for myself that makes the fight worthwhile. So while I start to do that, I repeat to myself a simple prayer of protection: "St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle..." After all, who is going to mess with an archangel?

Lunch Break

2008-02-29T11:28:00.002-05:00

I'm on break for lunch. I have New England Flora this afternoon. I should be prepping for the presentation Nia and I have to make. I'm not...I'm totally unmotivated right now. It's cold out, really, really cold; I'm tired and it is supposed to snow....again. The snow faery in PA is in sooooo much trouble. I'm seriously not amused. (Just you wait Dryad...I'll get you and your Monster Cat too).

Class this morning was interesting. We're discussing the transition from middle childhood to early adolescence. Interesting for me since that is part of the age group I work with. Any trick that helps me understand my evil spawn...I mean my kids better is most welcome. What I'm really interested in is what happens when a developmental stage is either missed or someone is pushed through them too fast by things in their lives. Alot of my kids are in that place. So how do we help them so they'll be okay now and in the future? It's really interesting material. Unfortunately, I'm so tired I can't keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of seconds.

I can't wait for spring break. Only one more week to go...and three projects & papers. I'll just keep thinking of all the days I can stay in my pj's reading with a big cup of coffee. Almost as good as a sunny beach in the tropics. Okay, I'm so tired I'm delusional. At least I'm still cute.

Off to present on sumac and bayberry. Do I know how to party or what?

A lab, a snow day and other random thoughts

2008-02-27T22:17:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it's after 10pm. I should go to bed so I can be bright, witty and on it for class tomorrow. Instead, I'm sitting up with a cup of tea writing this blog. Who needs to be witty anyways? I'll just wow them with my good looks.

Mainly I'm up writing because I'm not really tired. I had a snow day today, so I was home. I laid down for a minute to regroup before taking a shower and doing the ton and a half of homework I've got. That was the plan at 10am. I didn't plan to fall asleep. Four hours later....well you get the picture.

Jet was very good during my unexpected nap. It could be she was in her crate. For those of you who haven't met Jet in person, she is the Black Lab puppy my roomate and I adopted last August. When we got her, she was 9 months old and had no social skills (I won't go into the reasons why, I'll just get irritated). We've had her for 6 months now. She is much improved but she still has...issues, we'll say. We now have to crate her in the house because she ate too many holes in her chain link fence. We can't leave her running loose when we're not home. She has a little anxiety issue about that. The result is she'll eat something... a shoe, a wall, etc. She'd try for one of the cats, but she knows she'd loose that fight. She also has some strange fascination with snow. Sick but true, she likes to play in it almost as much as she likes to play in water.

Needless to say, everytime she went out today, it turned into a game of diving head first into the snow. She literally will swim in the stuff. She was in a very playful mood. These moods usually correspond with my attmepts to do homework. Nothing like trying to type a paper when you have a 60lb lab jumping on you because she wants you to throw her ball (Yes, we play ball in the house...what can I say, I was one of THOSE kids). Which of course explains why I'm up at this hour having just finished tonight's homework.

Luckily for her, she really is cute. She's just a little "special" as we like to say. She also snores...I can hear her all the way downstairs.

They're at it again!

2008-02-26T20:47:00.002-05:00

I think the computer pixies are up to their nonsense again. I had a really great post all set to go and then...poof! It was gone, lost into the ethers. I'm too tired to try to recreate it. All I can say is I'm tired of the pixies messing with the postings and I'm really tired of snow.

I've tried over the past couple of years to learn to like winter. It's not one of my favorite seasons, but I've worked out a certain appreciation for it. Except now, when spring is in the air and then there's another snow storm.

I've been starting to go a little stir crazy...early spring fever. It hits me every year about now. It comes from growing up on a farm. I can tell when it is lambing season by the warmth of the sunlight and a certain scent in the air that only comes this time of year. Once I have those signs, I'm ready for spring. Which means, the snow has got to go. Maybe if I ask nicely, the computer pixies can go with it. What do you think, do computer pixies like to ski?

Greetings from the NET

2008-02-22T14:58:00.002-05:00

It is a snowy day. My afternoon class was cancelled. I'm trying to feel bad about that, really. Okay, I can't even fake it. I'm actually happy to not have class. I was not looking forward to tromping through the woods with it snowing. Sad but true.

With the afternoon off, I went out to lunch with Darlene. I really wanted a bacon cheeseburger, but it's Friday. So no meat for me. Then I ran errands with Dar. We have a fund-raiser tonight for the Teen Center, so rather than drive home and have to drive back, I decided to hang out here at the NET and visit with my kids.

The kids are funny. They all had to say hi and give me hugs. Once they knew I would be here for the rest of the afternoon, they all disappeared to do their own thing. All is well as long as they know I'm around for the rest of the day. Newport school system is on vacation next week,so no work outside of teaching. I'm going swimming with the kids Monday. I'll spend the rest of the week catching up on homework.

Danny just came into the doorway to play catch, Mackenzie, my youngest goddaughter is trying to steal her mother's soda and help me with my blog. Jackie is getting some help on her homework for a college course, Jared and Lars are singing together in the background. Even if I have to schmooze with potential funders tonight, I'm with my kids. Life is good.

Raggedy Musings

2008-02-21T22:18:00.003-05:00

It is late. I just finished the last of the absolutlely necessary homework I had to do. Only two more days to go and I can spend the whole day Sunday (Thank heaven for 430 Mass on Saturday) curled up in bed with a cat, a cup of mocha, and a good book.

It has been a long and difficult week. There have been silver linings. No nightmares last night and no panic attacks today. I finally received the feedback I'd been waiting for from one of my professors. I attended a really fantastic training this weekend. I'm still writing. I've even started sketching out studies for the final art project that will be due in May. (Scary huh, a project where I'm not waiting until the last moment) And I've had a reminder of how many wonderful people I have in my life.

My friends have always been my support, my true family. I've been able to rely on that when I feel even MY Yankee stubbornness isn't going to get me through. For those of you with years of experience dealing with my stubborn-to-the-point -of -shear-stupidity tendencies (combine the Italian and Celt on my mother's side with my Dad's Yankee side, what else would anyone expect?), you know how bad it is for me to even admit that I can't will myself through something. Despite the nightmares of some of my worst fears that have plagued me this week, I'm not alone. I have people who watch my back, who remember to send simple gestures that brighten even the worst day, who will make sure I'm eating at least one healthy meal a day, etc.
And the circle of friends keeps growing. For all of this week, the good and even the not so good, I'm grateful.

Demons

2008-02-18T15:47:00.004-05:00

I haven't written for a week. Lot of reasons. I've been crazy busy. Emphasis more on the crazy I think. Every year, for as long as I can remeber...maybe even longer, I get crazy (more than my usual) for the two weeks leading up to February 18th. I thought I was going to make it through relatively easy this year. Maybe, just maybe, this particular demon would just wave as it drove by. No such luck. It showed up with a new trick.

There were a couple of brief drivebys. Nothing I couldn't handle. And then the nightmares started. Some are the ones I've always had, of seeing Daddy, of knowing what was going to happen and not be able to stop it. But now there were new ones too. Whenever things have been really difficult over the past few years, I will inevitably have a dream about Daddy. In them, he's the age he would be if he'd lived. And he is whole in body and spirit. We're usually sitting on a set of front steps or fishing by a lake. (Actually, he's fishing, I'm just hanging out with him...fishing....ICK). But he's there when I need him. We talk though I don't often remember what he says. (My Uncle Alden would argue Daddy's telling to listen to him...I'm pretty sure Daddy gets a kick out of that) But in these nightmares, I've been to both of our places and he's not there. There isn't even the sense of his presence that I've always been able to feel. There's nothing. He really gone and he hasn't said goodbye.

To say I've got abandonment issues is to put it mildly. I've learned to deal with them...not always well, but that's a subject for another time. This however, has thrown me. I can look at the nightmares intellectually, see them for what they are. If only my mind could run the show, but I'm trying to live from my heart.

Unfortunately, my heart, it just hurts. I hurt the same way I did when I was four years old and my mother told me what had happened to Daddy. I was left alone to deal with the loss that day. That is still how I tend to deal with it. Not because I don't now have people to be there for me. There simply are no words. They were held in that day and I've never been able to get them to come out. I even stopped speaking to God. It would be years before we made peace.

Isn't it strange, how just when we know how to send our personal demons on their way, they find a new way to kick us in the gut? I've worked incredibly hard to get my life on an even keel. At this point, I'm more concerned with peace than with happiness (may seem twisted, but it's the truth). It seems I have even more hard work ahead of me. I'll work on it tomorow. And in the meantime, I'll light a candle and say a prayer for Daddy and another for all the families who have to go through this hell.