Friday, February 29, 2008

Lunch Break

I'm on break for lunch. I have New England Flora this afternoon. I should be prepping for the presentation Nia and I have to make. I'm not...I'm totally unmotivated right now. It's cold out, really, really cold; I'm tired and it is supposed to snow....again. The snow faery in PA is in sooooo much trouble. I'm seriously not amused. (Just you wait Dryad...I'll get you and your Monster Cat too).

Class this morning was interesting. We're discussing the transition from middle childhood to early adolescence. Interesting for me since that is part of the age group I work with. Any trick that helps me understand my evil spawn...I mean my kids better is most welcome. What I'm really interested in is what happens when a developmental stage is either missed or someone is pushed through them too fast by things in their lives. Alot of my kids are in that place. So how do we help them so they'll be okay now and in the future? It's really interesting material. Unfortunately, I'm so tired I can't keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of seconds.

I can't wait for spring break. Only one more week to go...and three projects & papers. I'll just keep thinking of all the days I can stay in my pj's reading with a big cup of coffee. Almost as good as a sunny beach in the tropics. Okay, I'm so tired I'm delusional. At least I'm still cute.

Off to present on sumac and bayberry. Do I know how to party or what?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A lab, a snow day and other random thoughts

Okay, so it's after 10pm. I should go to bed so I can be bright, witty and on it for class tomorrow. Instead, I'm sitting up with a cup of tea writing this blog. Who needs to be witty anyways? I'll just wow them with my good looks.

Mainly I'm up writing because I'm not really tired. I had a snow day today, so I was home. I laid down for a minute to regroup before taking a shower and doing the ton and a half of homework I've got. That was the plan at 10am. I didn't plan to fall asleep. Four hours later....well you get the picture.

Jet was very good during my unexpected nap. It could be she was in her crate. For those of you who haven't met Jet in person, she is the Black Lab puppy my roomate and I adopted last August. When we got her, she was 9 months old and had no social skills (I won't go into the reasons why, I'll just get irritated). We've had her for 6 months now. She is much improved but she still has...issues, we'll say. We now have to crate her in the house because she ate too many holes in her chain link fence. We can't leave her running loose when we're not home. She has a little anxiety issue about that. The result is she'll eat something... a shoe, a wall, etc. She'd try for one of the cats, but she knows she'd loose that fight. She also has some strange fascination with snow. Sick but true, she likes to play in it almost as much as she likes to play in water.

Needless to say, everytime she went out today, it turned into a game of diving head first into the snow. She literally will swim in the stuff. She was in a very playful mood. These moods usually correspond with my attmepts to do homework. Nothing like trying to type a paper when you have a 60lb lab jumping on you because she wants you to throw her ball (Yes, we play ball in the house...what can I say, I was one of THOSE kids). Which of course explains why I'm up at this hour having just finished tonight's homework.

Luckily for her, she really is cute. She's just a little "special" as we like to say. She also snores...I can hear her all the way downstairs.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

They're at it again!

I think the computer pixies are up to their nonsense again. I had a really great post all set to go and then...poof! It was gone, lost into the ethers. I'm too tired to try to recreate it. All I can say is I'm tired of the pixies messing with the postings and I'm really tired of snow.

I've tried over the past couple of years to learn to like winter. It's not one of my favorite seasons, but I've worked out a certain appreciation for it. Except now, when spring is in the air and then there's another snow storm.

I've been starting to go a little stir crazy...early spring fever. It hits me every year about now. It comes from growing up on a farm. I can tell when it is lambing season by the warmth of the sunlight and a certain scent in the air that only comes this time of year. Once I have those signs, I'm ready for spring. Which means, the snow has got to go. Maybe if I ask nicely, the computer pixies can go with it. What do you think, do computer pixies like to ski?

Friday, February 22, 2008

Greetings from the NET

It is a snowy day. My afternoon class was cancelled. I'm trying to feel bad about that, really. Okay, I can't even fake it. I'm actually happy to not have class. I was not looking forward to tromping through the woods with it snowing. Sad but true.

With the afternoon off, I went out to lunch with Darlene. I really wanted a bacon cheeseburger, but it's Friday. So no meat for me. Then I ran errands with Dar. We have a fund-raiser tonight for the Teen Center, so rather than drive home and have to drive back, I decided to hang out here at the NET and visit with my kids.

The kids are funny. They all had to say hi and give me hugs. Once they knew I would be here for the rest of the afternoon, they all disappeared to do their own thing. All is well as long as they know I'm around for the rest of the day. Newport school system is on vacation next week,so no work outside of teaching. I'm going swimming with the kids Monday. I'll spend the rest of the week catching up on homework.

Danny just came into the doorway to play catch, Mackenzie, my youngest goddaughter is trying to steal her mother's soda and help me with my blog. Jackie is getting some help on her homework for a college course, Jared and Lars are singing together in the background. Even if I have to schmooze with potential funders tonight, I'm with my kids. Life is good.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Raggedy Musings

It is late. I just finished the last of the absolutlely necessary homework I had to do. Only two more days to go and I can spend the whole day Sunday (Thank heaven for 430 Mass on Saturday) curled up in bed with a cat, a cup of mocha, and a good book.

It has been a long and difficult week. There have been silver linings. No nightmares last night and no panic attacks today. I finally received the feedback I'd been waiting for from one of my professors. I attended a really fantastic training this weekend. I'm still writing. I've even started sketching out studies for the final art project that will be due in May. (Scary huh, a project where I'm not waiting until the last moment) And I've had a reminder of how many wonderful people I have in my life.

My friends have always been my support, my true family. I've been able to rely on that when I feel even MY Yankee stubbornness isn't going to get me through. For those of you with years of experience dealing with my stubborn-to-the-point -of -shear-stupidity tendencies (combine the Italian and Celt on my mother's side with my Dad's Yankee side, what else would anyone expect?), you know how bad it is for me to even admit that I can't will myself through something. Despite the nightmares of some of my worst fears that have plagued me this week, I'm not alone. I have people who watch my back, who remember to send simple gestures that brighten even the worst day, who will make sure I'm eating at least one healthy meal a day, etc.
And the circle of friends keeps growing. For all of this week, the good and even the not so good, I'm grateful.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Demons

I haven't written for a week. Lot of reasons. I've been crazy busy. Emphasis more on the crazy I think. Every year, for as long as I can remeber...maybe even longer, I get crazy (more than my usual) for the two weeks leading up to February 18th. I thought I was going to make it through relatively easy this year. Maybe, just maybe, this particular demon would just wave as it drove by. No such luck. It showed up with a new trick.

There were a couple of brief drivebys. Nothing I couldn't handle. And then the nightmares started. Some are the ones I've always had, of seeing Daddy, of knowing what was going to happen and not be able to stop it. But now there were new ones too. Whenever things have been really difficult over the past few years, I will inevitably have a dream about Daddy. In them, he's the age he would be if he'd lived. And he is whole in body and spirit. We're usually sitting on a set of front steps or fishing by a lake. (Actually, he's fishing, I'm just hanging out with him...fishing....ICK). But he's there when I need him. We talk though I don't often remember what he says. (My Uncle Alden would argue Daddy's telling to listen to him...I'm pretty sure Daddy gets a kick out of that) But in these nightmares, I've been to both of our places and he's not there. There isn't even the sense of his presence that I've always been able to feel. There's nothing. He really gone and he hasn't said goodbye.

To say I've got abandonment issues is to put it mildly. I've learned to deal with them...not always well, but that's a subject for another time. This however, has thrown me. I can look at the nightmares intellectually, see them for what they are. If only my mind could run the show, but I'm trying to live from my heart.

Unfortunately, my heart, it just hurts. I hurt the same way I did when I was four years old and my mother told me what had happened to Daddy. I was left alone to deal with the loss that day. That is still how I tend to deal with it. Not because I don't now have people to be there for me. There simply are no words. They were held in that day and I've never been able to get them to come out. I even stopped speaking to God. It would be years before we made peace.

Isn't it strange, how just when we know how to send our personal demons on their way, they find a new way to kick us in the gut? I've worked incredibly hard to get my life on an even keel. At this point, I'm more concerned with peace than with happiness (may seem twisted, but it's the truth). It seems I have even more hard work ahead of me. I'll work on it tomorow. And in the meantime, I'll light a candle and say a prayer for Daddy and another for all the families who have to go through this hell.

Monday, February 11, 2008

My Kids or Why I Have So Many Grey Hairs

Kids...yeesh! For a single, unattached woman with no children of my own, I have way too many grey hairs these days. By and large, the majority of my godchildren are a pure joy. Of course four of them are under the age of eleven, so the amount of trouble they can cause or get into is limited. The older three, well they are another matter. Though only one is having difficulties that I worry somewhat about.

It's the rest of "my kids" I worry about. This is where some people get confused. I don't have any kids of my own, it's true. Except I have a group of ten to fifteen kids (it fluctuates) that are mine. I saw alot of them today. And I do worry about them, alot. Not because they are bad kids, because they're not. They are actually really good kids. They are smart and more importantly, they have good hearts. They look out for each other like they were really family. So why do I worry?

Because this is not an easy world to be a teenager in. My kids have challenges facing them daily, and they don't always make the best decisions. Some of them have ended up way over their heads. Sometimes they forget they can ask for help, sometimes they don't have someone who is willing to help. Some of them, from what I hear, have lost their way out in the world.

Even though they are no longer "my responsibility", I still worry about them. Things have been hard for some of them lately. And they still long for an adult who will joke with them, laugh at their nonsense and threaten to kick them in the butts if they don't take care of themselves and each other, if they don't do well in school, etc. and to give them a hug when they've had a rough day.

So I have alot of grey hairs I might have put off for a few more years. If some of those grey hairs mean things are a little better for my kids, it's not such a high price to pay.

But I will ask, if you are so inclined, include my little gang of hooligans in your thoughts and prayers. They can use all the help they can get. You might even save me from a couple more grey hairs.

PS If you live in NH, we can always use more volunteers at the Teen Center. You haven't partied until you've chaperoned a dance. We have one Saturday night!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sleepy Sunday

It's Sunday night. I should be going to bed. I'm not. I slept through most of today. What was supposed to be a short nap break before tackling homework turned into a 5 hour nap. Oops. So I'm behind on my reading...nothing new there. Apparently I needed the rest. Though I could have done without the weird dreams...too weird to even attempt to go into here. At least I missed hours of Valentine's Day commercials floating over to my work area from the living room.

If I'm reminded there are only (enter appropriate number) of days left to get your Valentine's the perfect though expensive and generally unnecessary romantic gift, I'm going to scream! Not a good thing since it makes my dog look at me funny when I do that. Though, Jet spends alot of time looking at me funny. I thought I was passed crass commercialism once the dreaded Christmas shopping season was past. Part of that might be I tend to block Valentine's Day out on general priciple of being single and unattached. Oh well, only 4 more days, and there will be peace and quiet and the price of roses will go back down so I can afford to buy my own flowers.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Darn Computer Pixies

I had a new post all set to go. And then...nothing. It was gone. I suspect it has been grabbed by the pixies residing in my computer. It had been working fairly smoothly considering it is MY computer. I was hoping they had moved on to someone else's computer, but no. They were just on vacation. I guess they decided to grab the blog so they could catch up on the news they missed. Or they're using the text to do something else. So long as they don't rewrite any of my papers for school.

Of course now I'm wondering. Where do computer pixies GO on vacation? And does it have a warm, sunny beach, a pile of good books, appropriate scenery (I'll leave that to your imagination) and chocolate? If so, how do I get there?

In the meantime, if anyone would like a few pixies to live in their computer, please let me know. I'm happy to share.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Late Night, Lent and Other Random Thoughts

It is past 11:00 pm. I just finished, mostly, writing a paper on environmental art for class tomorrow. It had to be at least 1500 words. I finally gave up at around 1300. I can bullshit with the best of them, but I refuse to keep repeating myself for the sake of an arbitrary limit. It may come back to bite me, but oh well. Maybe some last minute inspiration will hit me. Maybe. Or maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow and I can take another crack at it. I can hope.

I spent my early morning at St. Pat's with Da. Ash Wednesday, had to get the ashes. At least this year I remembered not to wear a white shirt. The standard question from everyone has been what am I giving up for Lent. The past two years, it has been coffee. Kristi vetoed that one this year. Only fair since she has to live with me in the morning...not a pretty picture if I don't have coffee. Even more so now since I'm up late doing homework every night. She had another option, which I won't mention here. I told her it would be cheating to give up something I don't have in my life right now. There is always doing what I did in my rebellious teenage years. I'd give up being Catholic for Lent. One year I was sure it had stuck for good, that short of other people's ceremonies, I wouldn't ever step foot in church again. And it did stick...at least until four years ago when I woke up on Ash Wednesday with the overriding urge to go to Mass. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

So what have I given up for Lent. When Krisit asked me again tonight...after reminding I couldn't have the spaghetti because there was meat in it...I swear she was Catholic in another life...I stated I still had until midnight. Which is true...38 minutes and counting. But something Father Rick said this morning resonated with something I had been mulling over last night. I hadn't been able to settle on any one thing. Add that anxiety to being overtired from my normal February bout of insomnia and all that goes with it and I was in melt down mode. The funny thing about my meltdowns is they often help me clarify things in my head. (Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy to see them go away for ever) Darn tangents, scat... So, meltdown, clarification thanks to the meltdown and a reading from Beauty by John Donaghue (Great book)
and confirmation (oh look, a pun) from Father Rick, I've decided to give up being close hearted.

I've realized, espeicially after this past summer, that when I go into one of my dark spells, I shut down emotionally and pull back from everyone I love. I know where it comes from and why I do it. Not so quick on catching when I'm doing it right off...but hence why I'm focusing on it for Lent and why Sparrow has permission to thump me one when I start doing it. (Note: I said Sparrow, no one else...though someone else has been known to get away with it, but I don't think she can reach from Oregon :)) Of course, along with it is being willing to be vulnerable and have faith. Okay, one I can muster, the other I will be the first to admit I suck at. But why work on something I can already do well? No challenge in that.

Apparently I'm looking for challenges this year. Today was officially my last day working at the vet office. With any luck, by mid-March, my feet will be okay enough to start running again. Keep your fingers crossed, especially since running is crucial to my mental stability (such as it is). I could ramble on, but I should try to get some sleep and I think I've timed it so I don't have to worry about having any of dreams I'd rather not have.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Happiness

I just hopped on to see if anyone had left any comments, etc. Imagine my very happy surprise to have a comment from Dryad.
For you that don't know, she is a very dear friend who lives far away. It is very sad. She is also the co-faerygodmother for 2 of my godchildren. I haven't seen or heard from her since Yule 2006.
Happily, she is alive. This is a good thing since
1: She is a sweetheart, very witty, shares my love of sparklies (jewelry, books, men, etc.) and bakes like an angel (though she likes snow...strange but I love her anyways)

and

2: SHE gets the godchildren from 14 on (No complaining, I could hand them off at 12). I feel this is only fair since I got them through colic, terrible twos (okay, they weren't that terrible) and sundry other adventures (it's REALLY not my fault!). What can I say, they are my godchildren and as such, well let's just say all of my godchildren have inherited little personality "quirks" from me(Like I said, not my fault). Heavens help them.

So before I go back to homework...okay, I'll be honest, it was a snow day, I haven't started my homework yet, here is a shout out to Dryad. I've missed you!

AN: This should be fair warning to all my other friends. Your turn in the blog is coming! (Though bribes of chocolate and/or flowers will be accepted to keep you anonymous...a girls gotta do something to get spoiled) HEE!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

February 4th

I was sitting, doing homework. I had to look at the calendar to check a due date. That's when I realized tomorrow is February 4th. To some people, it's just another day on the calendar. I wish, more than anything that was all it was to me. For me, it's the day, thirty eight years ago, that my life changed forever.

February 4, 1970, my father was leading a fire squad on patrol near the bridge at Lang Co, Thua Thien, Vietnam. While on that patrol, he triggered an enemy explosive device. That explosion, serverely injured him. He lost both legs, his left arm and likely his left eye. Despite the best efforts of the medical personnel aboard the USS. Repose, he also lost his life two weeks later, on February 18th.

Needless to say, the two weeks between the 4th and the 18th are my least favorite throughout the year. Add in Valentine's Day on the 14th, and I would be more than happy to erase February from my calendar completely. But instead, I have to live through it each year. I spend alot of time between trying to ignore it and mentally preparing myself to deal with the inevitable emotional fall out that will come. Usually, I make it about half way before it catches up to me. Unless, I have to look at a calendar, like today.

I've always wished I would get to a place in my life where I could see those dates on the calendar and not get a knot in my stomach. I've wished for that as often as I've wished that none of it had ever happened and that I could pick up the phone right now and call Daddy the way I call his brother. I know that is never going to happen. Doesn't mean I don't still wish it. So what do I wish for now?

Tonight, my wishes are really prayers. I pray that Daddy is at peace. And I pray for peace of mind and spirit for the others who served and sacrificed there, I know how elusive it has been for so many. I pray for the families of the sevicemen and women currently serving in harms way, especially the children. And I pray for my "Big Sister" Noreen, who is going back to Vietnam shortly. I pray for my godchildren, that they have the chance to grow up and know how wonderful their parents are.

And tonight, I'll say one prayer for myself...that I can sleep through the night and dream of the gifts Daddy left me, of life and not of death.

And one favor of all of you who read this, wear something red on Fridays in show of support of those serving and the families who wait at home. Trust me, those seemingly simple actions mean a great deal to those of whom we ask a great deal.

Peace be with you.

Greetings!....or why am I writing a blog?

So, why a blog. It is simple really. For those of you who know me, I am currently a full time graduate student at Antioch New England. In addition, I work part-time, sit on two non-profit boards, am a member of a third, plus have any number of faerygodchildren to keep tabs on. Basically, I'm horribly busy.

Last semester, I fell even more out of touch with my many fans, ie. my friends, assorted loved ones and my kiddos. During semester break, while reconnecting with people who suspected I was dead, kidnapped or had finally reall run off to a tropical island beach, I decided to create this blog so everyone can keep up with my comings and goings.

The other reason for this blog, I've been wanting to work on my writing forever, but never seem to make it a priority outside of what I do for work. So now I am, and I'm counting on you all to nag me when I'm not writing enough. See, two birds, one stone.

I'll als0 be posting links to some of the stuff I'm doing, so make sure to check them out.

Have to go feed Jet.

Everyone have a wonderful day!